[waves]

i agreed to shaving off even more zoloft ... we may want to taper it right out if i am not frankly depressed, we haven't talked about that. but he wants me on depakote yesterday. he said "don't you REALIZE how effervescent you are???? what you need is a mood stabilizer, not an antidepressant!!!" boy i've never seen him get that vehement about meds. it really seemed something must have changed from last week.

i had been getting racing thoughts and another possible st, and told him that last week, but at that time he felt i was ok, other than good idea to shave off some zoloft - which we did.

this week, he says i am still lucid, and seemed surprised that i was like - reallYY? depakote? - he almost told me off in a way, because he says i am exceptionally self-aware. but maybe right now so much is going on it is hard for me to see the forest for the trees. there's SO many trees dang it! and i go through so many emotions i don't know what i am, honestly. my answer to his didn't i realize, was "yes - no - maybe - i don't know - it VARIES!" to which he said, "case in point!" LOL! i thought about it and last night i did realize i am experiencing *everything* very intensely even though i'm not having real weird stuff happen.

he got very stern at me about some things going on at work ... apparently i'm joking around too much - i'm getting lots done!!! other ppl joke. i don't know if he's overshooting coz he's not there or what, but for now i will take the meds and see. maybe retrospect will be more telling or something. or just lowering or removing the zoloft could be enough.... but maybe not fast enough.

past couple days i wore myself out physically bigtime. also had very very little sleep this week for a variety of reasons - mostly busy. and i am getting a bit sick. (tummy, throat/nose). so perhaps no suprise i guess that thursday and friday i was pretty "flat" the first half of the day... made me think... hey wait, no way i am hypo! also i felt very cold. but i think that confuses things more than anything else.

important is to keep job. so whatever, bring on the meds.

i have been frantic about Christmas. no time for cards, presents, etc... only doing one project for my parents and i don't know if i'll finish in time. today they each separately reassured me not to worry about Christmas. to write them a nice card, it's the thought that counts. that was kind of them.

i have had a lot more to do - including fixing some of my clothes to wear to work and helping my cousin and running around to sign contracts (yes! through June 30, for the moment! but still...)

~ waves ~ sorry for rambling a bit. i am tired and excited and lots of other intense things all together but still tired. bed time.

[bizi]

yes life is much more fun when we are hypo!!!!! it is just a slippery slope and quick jump to mania....yikes!
glad that your folks said to not worry about the holidays...listen to them.
hugs to you girl friend!
(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[waves]

yah i know it... and if i get manic or any form of delusional i WILL lose my job. (been there, done that, more than once.)

probably that is why he is slapping me on depakote so quick.

i had thought disturbances a few weeks back too, but that resolved... dunno if that played into his decision... i do have some Zyprexa just in case.

but i ad mit part of me is really reluctant to medicate this

i feel sooo ALIVE
oh the touch of satin and the taste of sangria

but everything is quick to turn to.... very reactive....
if i were a car nobody could drive me... my steering would be too sensitive hehe.

and rememebr when i was saying i'd flet dead for so long??? so ya know.....

[bizi]

zyprexa is not a bad idea...just saying....
IMO...sorry
love you
bizi

[bizi]

Dear waves,
I thought that hypo turned into a "mania diagnosis" when it reached a length of time say over a week,
(not sure what the dsm4 says)
not neccesarily delusional... which is mania with psychosis.
Been there done that...not good results...
sorry
bizi

[waves]

yup, that's the way it goes... DSM says 1 week of hypo and its called mania...

my first pdoc said though, that it's also a question of extent but DSM does not handle that aspect... i know what he means though.

you can have delusions and not be completely psychotic. delusional thinking is a psychotic st but often limited to a certain area... florid psychosis is complete detachment from reality. i am given zyprexa for thought disturbances, but not as a mood stabilizer - i cannot take it on a continuous basis. geodon is not prescribable here for bipolar.

my sense is that i am still mild (hypo), f anything. but i still notice two warning sx on and off. plus not just my pdoc had a cow, my parents have been telling me they have noticed this and that... sigh.

i started the depakote at 300mg for a couple nights it was not sedating so i took 500 tonight, will do 650 tomorrow or might even add a 150 now... target is 600 for now but i don't have that many 300's to do that so i'd take a 500 + 1/2 a 300 = 650mg = close enough. as long as i can still do arithmetic i am cool.

i may call doc about reducing zoloft more than we discussed. i am not keen on changing things on my own right now because apprently i am missing things. but he said i did not need an antidepressant now so, i am wondering... and i do know that racing thoughts will get in my way at work if they worsen. doc also thinks i have other fish to fry at work, or rather that i am frying fish that are not mine to fry... hehe

so something has to get shaken out...... ehhhhhhhh

FISH-FRY every one!!!! bring a fork, or a spork, or a skewer andddd......DIG IN!!!!


~ waves ~

[bizi]

I think you are right about discontinuing the zoloft completely.
At this time it is making the mania worse....are you tappering off of it or can you just stop it?????
it is hard to reel it in...that is why I think the zyprexa can help short term use. any way to take like 2.5mg of it?
I am sorry.
bizi

[Mari]

Dear Waves,
I am soooo happy that you see pdoc frequently.

Originally Posted by waves

as long as i can still do arithmetic i am cool.

'Good to hear about the Depakote.
You are very cool.

doc also thinks i have other fish to fry at work, or rather that i am frying fish that are not mine to fry... hehe

I think you can change two meds at a time.
You know both of them very well.

M.

[BlueMajo]

As Im feeling extremeley tired thanks to my meds.... I will just say this....

I LOVE to be hypo... Shame later on I fall into a very dark/deep hole...

[waves]

i was so reactive today i nearly tore my boss a new one.

not because he was mean or anything... because he shared something with another coworker, and not with me.... i know i know i know... sounds like a 2 year old... hey bizi i remember you saying something about two year olds ... but trust me this is even more complicated... this is why my pdoc is up in arms......... heck

but i mean i had to leave the office and i felt like punching a hole in the wall. ( i didn't try, but.... before that i could not hold my tongue i made remarks that were gosh i cannot tell if others would just see them as playful jabs or what, to me they were only "disguised" that way... i mean the playful part was just the extent to which i could control the impulse... ideally i should have said nothing.... i could not shut UP i could not just....... sht man, and then i got ****** about not having "due" attention, i see it sort of but still feel indignant...

went to bar... had a very heavy drink (figure 2 black russians in terms of qty). after that i was STILL xtremely hyper

and this in spite of the fact that i apparently AM getting sick/am sick ... throat hurts... my mom is sick.

ok so i pm'd my pdoc from the bar that i had nerves to high heaven and mood lability to match and intuition suggested a steeper reduction in Zoloft... i asked what about if i drop to 50mg (i was at 125, he wanted me to go to 100). he replied it sounded like a good idea.

one thing i am aware enough is of being sometimes oblivious in retrospect and sometimes simply flooded right now that i suspect it is best even if it seems silly to me, to bounce even the most "obvious" things off of pdoc, in terms of meds. i am used to self-managing and he is used to me self-managing but last session it was clear i was not all there.... i figure if i send him an sms saying "i think i should do X because Y" it is not so bothersome to him as a phonecall, and if i am offbase he can say no that is too impulsive. my concern is being too reactive - even impulsive - even about meds, because i am having problems with impulse control.

ok so, with pdoc's texted blessing, i am down to 50mg zoloft as of tonight, and i went up to 650mg of depakote.

bizi, i appreciate the concern but zyprexa is really not an option for me as a mood stabilizer unless psychotic symptoms present (frank delusions or thought disturbances - form or content). i see pdoc enough that if need be he will have me take it for a short time. he knows i hate to take it and that it is bad for me. but i had a terrible time when i was convinced that i was responsible for the fires all over the country (started them with my thoughts) ... often these things resolve spontaneously but this worsened over weeks, and pdoc went on vacation just after it started. i told him after that, that if i presented that way again, please make me take zyprexa because in such a case it would not occur to me that i was "off" and i would not think to take it as "needed." when things are real to you, you don't go thinking you need an antipsychotic. i felt guilty and responsible for mass destruction of ppl's livelihoods that time............... i felt like the wicked witch of the west... but i could not control my evil powers....

anyway. right now we are just trying not to screw up a job. so far i have not conjured up any way in which i am decimating parts of the population...

~ waves ~

ps bizi - zyprexa - i only have one sheet (7 pills) of 10's .... min could split into 5's and not advisable