well, i do not recount all the events here (too much), just general gist. but you are right i am not at the "last time" place.

going over the line is not detectable subjectively. the only time you are aware is when you go back and forth over it. which is still where i am. i see some improvement in terms of stepping back from it. based on experience i don't think my pdoc recognizes these things unless the delusions are bizarre. that or he isn't quick to medicate if they don't seem to cause distress. so i am the point person here. all this suggests to stay on Zyprexa. BUT:

i essentially "dieted" the past 3 days - experienced hunger, AGGRESSIVELY refused to snack between meals, had moderate meals. and gained lbs!!!! :eek::rolleyes::(:mad:

i think i might go down to 5mg, see how things go and then talk to pdoc about it. i do see him wednesday.

thanks for working these things out with me. i appreciate the observations and suggestions - very helpful.

~ waves ~

are you able to get seroquel there?
is z the only anti available to you?
some of that weight has to be water weight don't you think?
i don't know....
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hi Bizi

i've tried (and tried) Seroquel at different dosages and it is no good for me. my pdoc sustains it is not nearly as effective an AP as is Zyprexa in general i figure if it works for someone, fine, but it doesn't for me. Geodon did become available in the past 2 years, but it remains only and very strictly prescribable for schizophrenia.

no i don't think that much more than 1 or 2 of the pounds could be water weight. and i have now exceeded my past "ceiling" weight, with Zyprexa. i really cannot do this.

there are plenty other AP's, esp the older ones. i could try asking for loxapine which i've had before. it is considered paratypical if you delve (it came just before the atypicals). but i've only had it in baby doses. it may cause gain in larger doses.

i skipped all my meds last night. i felt grossed out by them indiscriminately. i know i can't do that, i have to make a decision tonight about the zyprexa, and the others i have to take regardless. but for one night i just took a break from the handful of pills.

~ waves ~

Waves,
'Sending you lots of hugs.
M.

I'm sorry about the weight gain Waves, especially since you were using willpower. :hug:

But I agree with Mari that you should wait to d/c the zyprexa until you get the go-ahead from pdoc.

Do you think that you are hypo now? I ask because you were very brave last night at the bar and you decided to take a night off from your pills?

it is sad for us...to have to question our sanity because we try something new or brave to put ourselves out there or like me with my face thing...looking back it seems rather obcessive now.
normal people try new things but they don't have to second guess themselves.
it sucks....
bizi

not hypo
 

Dear Mari

thank you dearly for the hugs. i need them. i need monster hugs the way my girth has grown i feel like a beach ball. gut has sense of fullness... awful. :eek::p:o i got that you heard my frustration with having to take all these pills all the time.

Dear Kay

Zyprexa was not given me for mood stabilization - i am on a hefty dose of depakote for that (which surely contributed to the initial gain coz we had to ramp that up real fast back in... i think, december?) Zyprexa was for specific sx which now seem to be remitting. i have had means to test the waters. if my mood still needs fixing, anyway, pdoc would not throw Zyprexa at it. it's a reserve drug.

Dear Bizi

yeah it sucks that we have to constantly be questioning our selves... :hug: it really can get to where we are hypervigilant and not natural... really sucks. but let me at least reassure you that singing, playing, performing are not new to me... just i haven't in a long time... matter of circumstance. being a fer'ner here, and depression and creative blocks the past years hasn't helped. so no not hypo, and not even wondering, not because of that, for sure! :)

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

One possibility
 

If, tomorrow and tuesday, i find i am not out of the woods with the 911 stuff, i might see if i can get a low dose of loxapine. i see pdoc wednesday.

i used to take 10 mg of loxapine (usual dose is 30-40mg) and that didn't pack pounds on. that was on top of my then-stabilizers which were lithium + carbamazepine. anyway, with all of that for several months, i gained a few pounds but always remained within normal range for me (had clothes that fit).

----------------------

i think zyprexa is one of the worst offenders in terms of gain, at least for me. Perhaps, folks who already "fight" an appetite that is stronger than their caloric needs can manage themselves better on Zyprexa than do i. I don't know.

I am used to being guided by my appetite, so, when it is of whack, say due to Zyprexa, it really messes me up. i can resist a little hunger but it feels weird to resist strong and persistent hunger pangs. Besides, my natural appetite varies quite a bit even from day to day, so i remain confused as to how much/little to eat.

I also wonder if being sedentary makes it worse. Zyprexa causes sugar that you eat to get shoveled out of your blood double quick too... if you are not active, the reverse process does not happen, body doesn't try to use it for kinetic energy... it goes straight into fat. Sugar low, and you get tired..... tired and FAT... and HUNGRY all over again!!!! :eek: ARGGGGHHH!!!!

~ waves ~

Waves

I hope you work it out.

Donna:grouphug:

Waves,
This loxapine could be a good idea. It's a better idea than taking Zyprexa . . . while fighting it. If you are comfortable with a med, you are more likely to take it and try to work with it (w/ regarding to dosing times and such).

How long will it take the Loxapine to kick in? I don't feel like looking that up. If if will take two weeks, what will you do in the meantime?
I think that you are very close to not needing the Zyprexa / Loxapine. It is good that you are being cautious.

. . . I am not making any sense .... this is not a good time for me to post.

'just thought I would offer some support for your week.

M.