Oh ~waves~ how really awful!

I know how it feels to have no privileges. I work at a library, & on 1 system the volunteers can do more than I can. I've been there 10 yrs & have a PhD, but my job is only part-time. Their equivalent of a consult. Just shows how stupid (right, childish) they are, to waste your ability. ((((HUGS)))). I wish it didn't hurt so, but I know it does.

I can also imagine being at that company party. Been there. Hated it. Now that I'm on a mood stabilizer that works really well, I don't cry quite so much. <grin> But I wish I could have been there for you, because I know what those empty crowds are like. Thing is, there ARE people in this world who would enjoy hanging out with you! We do, here--right?!

& Bobby has a good idea there: Maybe there IS one nice person in that heap of jerks. Maybe someone who would be totally relieved to find another soul who doesn't fit in with the idiots.

Hope that migraine goes away soon.

In any case, please remember we're coming by here with ears to listen & arms to (((((((HUG HUG HUG)))))) so keep coming back.

(((thanks everyone)))

Bizi i did get the access thing fixed - the specific thing i needed though. he said it was an error/goof that i did not have access to that area. but i do not think he gave me admin privs to the entire machine. i was frustrated about the whole thing by then and didn't ask i'll check in the morning but one can work without admin privs ... it's just.... well i've have always, ALWAYS, as staff OR consultant, seen developers have admin rights to their own dang machine, on principle. in fact often we have admin rights to a few other machines too.

that sucks Jude, that they had a principle thing with consultants/PT vs hire?FT in terms of giving privs. and after 10 years of loyal service! here i don't *think* it's because i'm a consultant but i'm not sure. for instance, it looks like others have named ids while i don't .... hmmm. i know they were just joking but seemed like the kinda jokes with a seed of truth... perhaps they had bad experiences with consultants. one thing i was told was "they don't last long." encouraging. anyway, this is peculiar, because where i have worked before, here, i did not encounter such differences - did not know who was consultant unless ppl got on the subject explicitly.

bobby yeah a couple of them act like two year olds. just think they are all married with children. a couple of them, including the most teasy one, can be social and fun, but also noisy and/or annoying. a couple of others seem like almost too serious. the systems guy is the one i somehow feel most comfortable with. even though i bugged the crap out of him the first day locking myself out Lrolleyes:

someone from marketing came to introduce herself to me, since we will be on the same project. the ONLY information she chose to give me, besides her name, was that she's told she's a pest, but that she doesn't mean to be, it's just how her mom made her. (reminded me of Jessica Rabbit's "i'm just drawn that way.") well. that encounter was LESS than reassuring. great pleased to meet you, pest. i don't feel any pressure now.... nooooo.....

well having complained bunches i'd like to share something cool and very unusual about our building. we have indoor lighting. and will have to use it in winter. or maybe on overcast days. but our main source of light are three big skylights with controllable closure panels so you can get slightly more or slightly less. i think that's cool. not that lighting uses a lot of energy but it does use some. (i'm sure the stupid A/C uses more, but i hope to goodness it doesn't break, either, i would not find out what that office is like with NO AC at all!



~ waves ~

thanks for the update/check in.
you sound good!
bizi

Sounds like you've got a handle on a bit of it, not bad for now, eh? Seems like a step or 2 in the direction of progress.
Yea!
You make me happy, yes you do. In so many ways UR doin' it right. I'm making my little efforts too, you spur me on, a step at a time.

thank you both for being here (((Jude & Bizi))) and trying to encourage me. i am afraid today i am not sure how much courage i can conjure up.

i do not feel good.

Dear Bizi

i did not go back to work yet after the teasing and the social and what not. the "update" was just more info in general. did you read the today section? i am perplexed that you say i sound good after i said i just wanted to curl up and die.

Dear Jude

i am glad this is encouraging to you somehow.... i'm out "sick" again today. i had a nasty headache i can't identify. thought it was a sinus headache i my sleep area got filled with cigarette smoke... woke up and opened more windows to try and get rid of it, at the risk of letting more in (none of us smoke).... i get headaches from it. but docs have said that as long as sinuses are clear it is more likely a migraine variant. well whatever the heck it was got a little better by the time i could have left and arrived at work late.

the real reason i didn't go i think is resistance. fear. i don't want to go back there. because after i was dressed i went back into the bathroom and cried. i called in sick, took a lorazepam and slept more. i know if it felt comfortable going to work, though, i dould have got the headache under control. other than cleaning the air, i didn't try.

~ waves ~ not feeling good, nor like i'm handling anything, nor do i want to... except maybe more and more meds.......

I am sorry that I read thru your post too quickly.
I am sorry taht you don't feel good and that you are having migraine issues. I hope that resolves quickly.
I wish you felt better.
just one foot in front of the other fall down 7 times get up 8. day at a time, all cliches but of value.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[/QUOTE] i am glad this is encouraging to you somehow.... [/QUOTE]

It is--you are--encouraging to me because in the short time I've been here I've seen you get knocked down (sometimes out, like now) by stuff, even to the point where you want to just quit, just "curl up & die"--but what I see is you retreating, recovering, reviewing, & gleaning at least one new bit of useable data from the latest disaster. That's what's called perseverance, & I guess I admire it a whole lot. I keep trying to make it a habit.

[/QUOTE] ~ waves ~ not feeling good, nor like i'm handling anything, nor do i want to... except maybe more and more [/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, ~waves~, for thinking you were doing better than you are. Thanks for being willing to tell me again. I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with that headache; sleeping in cigarette smoke would be awful.

I'm so glad you got your access level fixed. Too bad about the pest but those skylight closure panels sound nifty. I'm glad your thoughts aren't only on the horrors at work. Hope the sleep & meds tackle some of the bad stuff for you so the load seems less overwhelming.

Waves,

Is part of the problem that as consultant you are not feeling that you are being treated as a colleague or as one of the team? They sound clique-ish. Or worse, they sound down right inhospitable . . not even following basic norms of politeness.

I'm sorry to hear that these people are causing you to cry.
I wish things were better.


Did your headache let up?

M.

hi no my headache is back i did not take anything with dinner to see... and 'ere she blows. so now i just shoveled some chicken down with 600mg ibuprofen for the night. i hope in the morning i will be ok. i will eat something and take a morning dose regardless of pain i think and take the stuff to work.

the anxiety is about feeling ridiculous. this is big for me. it is easy for me to end up feeling ridiculous. you cannot retrain all the scenarios there are too many. i want to retrain at the point of awareness, and anxiety. the point where i WON'T go to that place, WILL NOT, no way, no how, and freak out cry. the point where i take the lorazepam, but it isn't enough.

i tried to get pdoc to tackle it with me today, but he was more interested in the specific social interactions to do with the teasing about the jacket, which in this instance contributed to my overall discomfort. i understand the behavioral aspects i can use to help reduce their teasing, which will in the long run make me feel better.... BUT

doc, i need a short run additive to lorazepam to get me to work daily.

the consultant bit was a means of cutting me 'out' of the group... like saying she's not "really" one of us... i was appalled as i know it isn't always like that and perhaps others don't draw this line, but it still upseet me to have it pulled out, right after a dig at consultants... when i inquired the dig was they "don't last long" ... it has different and not very nice implications when you think about it. plus it is not other ppls business to disclose what type of contract i ahve with the company... sheesh he probably shouldn't have known but... who'd figure ... anyway.

~ waves ~

I hope you feel better in the morning.((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) ))))))))))))))
bizi