Hi,

Tdoc and I had a phone session. I needed to talk about confusing feelings about work buddy and our work colleague who died. I cried. . . took some notes. She helped explain things.

M

I am so glad that she helped explain things for you.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Sounds like a productive session. i am glad she was able to help.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Hi,


Saw girlfriend and talked. 'Called sis and talked for a while. Agitated and sad.
Almost ready to talk to work buddy -- almost feel like I might to come right out and say something to him like this: "I hope that I have helped your healing with colleague's passing as much as you helped with mine."
OR
I hope that I have not hindered your healing process.

=-=-=

Tdoc says realationship between work buddy and me will evolve --- that we will get out of this situation we have now that was forged in trauma and evolve onto something different and better (more "normal" as sis said). . . . also that entirely new close relationships will open up for me.

=-=-=-

I would trade everything I have and everyone I know for colleague to be alive and happy again.

I wish that work buddy and I had not gone through those brutal 18 months almost alone together at work while we shared colleague's fight for his life with him.
=-=-=-


M

meds for tonight
 

I hate the brain fog. It's going to make me nuts very soon.

Tuesday night I took:

2.25 Klonopin (usually dose is 2.5)
Less than one half capsule of Gabapentin (maybe somewhere around 100 mgs.

M

Dear Mari

i hope you feel less foggy "tomorrow" (wednesday) with the downsized med doses, and still manage to sleep.

i am so sorry for what you and work buddy went through. :hug::hug::hug: i believe your sister is right though, and that all this will evolve.

i do not see an imminent need for a direct exchange between you and work buddy about your common loss and reciprocal roles in healing. imho you know the reality of these things, and he knows it, and you each know the other knows it. perhaps considering this verbal exchange, and even formulating different words for it, made it more concrete in your mind... brought the feelings into thought, or something like that. if there needs to be a verbal exchange about it between you, it will probably happen spontaneously when the time is right.

it is sunny and clear here this morning. i'm sending you sunny and clear vibes from my local weather, for you to wake up to. ;)

~ waves ~

Hi Waves,

Yes, I don't know why tdoc suggested that. It was near the end of the session. I have to pretend she didn't say something that doesn't make sense. Maybe she was just making stuff up and talking smack as the kids say.

Last summer was my hardest summer I have ever worked. He and I did a huge amount of work that required we be in almost minute to minute contact. It was so exhausting emotionally and physically. At the end of the projects, the big big boss un-did what we did.
The summer ended sooo unfruitfully. We got no satisfaction, only exhaustion . .. and a kind of weariness with each other.
Work buddy's mother died a few weeks ago due to illness.

Today, I feel hung over. I had four hours of sleep.
On the way to work I often listen to a cd for breathing and positive healing thoughts.:eek:

M

I had not realized it was 18 months. That is a long time.
I am sorry you lost your colleague.
It sounds so painful for you.
Things will evolve for your work buddy.
Do the tapes help with your anxiety?
bizi

Bizi,
Thanks
The cd does help tremendously. I sometimes wake up with anxiety and chest pains. The cd calms me before I get to work.

I've been in a funk I think. .. .

M

(((((HUGS)))))
love to you
bizi