Hey... I just finished my phD project presentation in front of the "whole" institute I work in and it was horrible and pathetic... Im so dissapointed and desilutioned...

Im going to try to put this crappy story in a short post so you dont get bored...
So basically, Im working with 5 different types of nervous system tumors, 3 of them respond to my treatment, 2 dont... The 2 that dont respond seem to have more than one "receptor"... I need of course to make lot of more work to find out what is that "other receptor" and characterize it... But I was like super excited thinking I could separate my patients in 2 groups, the ones with 1 receptor, and the ones with 2 etc... and give them different treatments etc... I was also super excited to listen to the phDs opions about my work as in october I have my exam coming, etc... and guess what...

the public was very poor, the auditorium was probably 50% empty and the main public were students... like me or even younger... just 4 phDs and one of them was my boss...

I didnt get a single question related to my work or experiments... I only got attacks from the students... if I said green, one started saying blue, and the other one red... According to them all my experiments are nonsense and precisly the things I still need to do are the important ones...

Then, if I was explaining something, they would interrup me and they kept asking again and again the same thing I had just said seconds before...

I started to feel stupid and at one point I had to tell them that I had just said precisly what they were asking...

So, in this institution, only the molecular experiments count... no matter what you find, your results, the importance they might have in the clinic... just the amount of experiments you do and the money you spend (waste) doing them...

The phDs were probably falling asleep... at the end, the students were fighting among them trying to prove who were more "intelligent" when to be honest they just show how ignorant and rude they all are...

The worst part was that at the end, my boss told me that I have to be more "zen" and dont show symptoms of desesperation... Ok, seriously, I was not desperated at all, but I felt I had to defend my work, my project... I have been investing my time, my life in this crap for the last 2 years of my life plus the research I did before and I have to just close my mouth and accept all their attacks ?? Sorry, Im not Jesus...

She admitted they were rude and stuff but she didnt like my position either it seems...

In resume, I feel abandoned, like nobody is rooting for me or supporting me or my findings...

I hate this place... I was about to scream "There are children out there dying of cancer and you want me to waste 3 years characterizing this stupid **** ?? who cares what is it and how is it ?? If we can help people with this, forget about the molecular aspect of this crap" Argh...

Science you son of a b*** and your pathetic sons...

Sorry friends, Im just... blah.

*speechless*

My dearest, beloved, scientist-I-wanted-2-B BlueMajo,

First off, how I wish I could have been there for your presentation. In fact, had I known, had it registered with me & my own life not been so impossibly screwed up at the moment, I would have been there--5th row center!

I have to jump down in your post & admit that 1ce again (even in your despair) your insight bowled me over & had me . Here's why:
Sweetie, that's the very definition of "student." Well, you probably weren't like that--but most students are. Gosh awful!! Of course they tore into you. Just like puppies when a dog from mom's older brood visits. It's just that that's all they know how to do now.

The other PhDs? There's simply nothing more arrogant than a young PhD. Arrogance is primarily what they have going for them--that, & a degree (if they're lucky, actually worth the paper it's printed on).

The high road of academia is a narrow, rocky one. Hinds feet in high places. Don't worry about ANY of those "others." Keep your sites on your goal, take care of your needs, & value those little children with cancer, fighting for their lives.

You are at a point now in your developing career when you are going to need to grow feet on all your wonderful ideals. Give those ideals a solid base, so you can go from talking the talk (student) to walking the walk (scientist).

You are your science's champion, BlueMajo. These other people around you here are just around you here. No more no less. They don't carry value in your world. Those precious little children do. THEY have great value.

I always found Science itself a grand Patron, Mentor, Lover. Some if it's reps, however... The profs, scientists, politicians, business execs

In retrospect, had I to do it again, I wouldn't abandon it as I did. Zen? Perhaps for the inner game. For the outer mask, I recommend to you La Gioconda. The Mona Lisa.

Dear Majo,

My web browser acted up. I had to do computer stuff to post to you.
Now I have to run. I will be back later.

You did great. Science is slow. It is slow for the reasons that you post about. You can't rush Her.


As long as your mentor is happy enough with you and you have moved on to the next step you are doing great.
Remember to thank your mentor for her advice. Tell her you will do what she has suggested about being zen. (I don't care if you ever want to be zen or not.) Make her feel good about your progress.

You survived a big step.

M

you sound more frustrated and exasperated with everything (and with good reason) than desperate. her perception was off but... she still managed to see that you were distressed even though she did not characterize this distress correctly (maybe i didn't either, but no matter). and perceptions aren't reality.

Admitting the audience was rude etc is a big deal. She did not attack you. i feel her advice was supportive even if you don't buy into that stuff. wrong or right, she suggested something that she thought would help you cope better in future.
the law is similar. trials and such. but the right for a fair trial is to try to ensure, as much as possible, that good people are kept out of jail and bad people go in. at least that is the principle.

science and medicine is the same. empirical data is fine but where it fails, "designing" a drug via molecular studies doesn't seem like such a weird idea. and yes, it means characterizing those "other" receptors at molecular level of course... you probably even said this and those students probably didn't "get it"... to figure out what possible molecules or radicals for which they might have highest affinity.

i may be saying this in worse terms than those students and if i am offending you by saying more of their crap, i do apologize.

but what came to mind was a subclass (i'd have to look up the name, i've forgotten ) of neuroleptics, where it was noted that those with shorter carbon chains connecting a particular radical were significantly more effective.... properties of this nature, for instance, be useful too on your "unresponsive receptors" but do require studies at molecular level.
i am really sorry the experience was so negative for you. it took a lot of energy and you sound sort of deflated. unappreciated. i appreciate you. even if what some of what the students kepts saying was true
-- it was not useful if already part of your pres and
-- it was apparently done in a rude way

they hit a huge nerve, since this presentation is about your whole life investment and future really.

so in the end what you went through is akin to stage performance with the audience throwing rotten melons at you. pretty stinky.

i am very very sorry about how things went.
i hope the next one is much, much better.

sending big hugs

~ waves ~

Blu, you put so much into your work and did an excellant job, even your Prof/boss did not coment on the work. It sounds like her thought you were more prepared to respond to your research, then the attack modes operendi of the student audiance.

Don't forget their mentality is that to make their own projects look better, then attack the aggressive presenters research. Just think what possible quality these students can put into a project they are so busy picking apart someone elses.

You did great! I am so proud of you, what challanging research you are doing. Far beyond anything I would take on.

YOU ROCK!!!!! I wish I was there to interject the points you made from their lack of ability to comprehend exactly what you were saying.
Hey, it is finally over. That is a good thing

Yeah, basically, with my hippie mood, it was a big, huge, gigantic mistake to choose science as a profession... If what I want is to "help" people, I could have been a psychologist... or whatever....

What a waste of time to study why red things are red and if red really exists while red things keep "killing" people which is what in my opinion maters...

Oh well.

oh ...I am so sorry that you were not supported very well. It sounds like a dreadful situation.
I have to go but will post more later.
((((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Dear Majo

sorry if i offended you. i guess i was trying to see/explain from my point of view why what happened could have happened, aside from the rudeness.

i don't think you're in the wrong profession, necessarily - but that is for you to decide. i think at this stage you could still switch to med school, if that is something you think is more up your alley - it is more practical, less theoretical, less times involved, less philosophy "why red things exist"

again i am sorry if i hurt your feelings.

~ waves ~

I am sorry you are feeling like that Blue Majo. I can understand how bad it feels when you have feelings of abandonment with regard to the career and people who you think should be supporting you, just not even paying any attention, to the important thing, the research, well I dunno. I don't know what to think. Hope you feel better soon. I know I don't get on as much as I used to be able to, but I had to comment. Hang in there Blue....

Dear Majo,

Lots and lots of hugs.
You were expecting support and instead you feel that you got clobbered / hit.
It would take me a little while to recover from an event like this. Go do things that revive you: sleep, walk, get back to the lab, or take a day off from the lab, . . . whatever works for you.

You can recover. The fact that your boss is advancing you in the program through these steps shows that she believes in you and your work.


Your boss should have sent you to some other presentations before you did one of your own. You would have known what to expect.

None of what was happening was about you or your experiments. It was about other people and part of a process.

Research needs to be presented and shared (written and orally and otherwise). You did that. You can practice answering stupid questions because you will get more of them in the future. You can learn to answer a question without directly answering all of it. You can use words that show you are listening and still in control of the room.


Majo, If you want to be a psychologist, switch now or later. You would be good at that. . . . . but you know that the work is totally different and requires a different skill set.
From your description of what happened Monday, I can see that you did a good job. The problem is that you can't see that you are doing a good job.

M