thanks guys.

i started working on the calendar yesterday before my mood crashed.

i guess now i am in survival mode again. i think i missed a couple of doses of Zoloft too close together. heck. i have to be careful.

i saw pdoc tuesday - he wants me to stick with it (still 50mg) for a while longer even if trend to feeling a bit better. dang it's like two days off it and i'm in a disaster zone, even not two consecutive days apparently.

heck. my sleep is all screwed up - like i am totally out of it in the day time, and tomorrow i have 2 heart tests, one at 9, and one at noon. three hour gap during which i have to try not to fall asleep...... sheez.

we have to leave home at 7.30 which is the least of my problems - i wake up at 5 spontaneously. my problem is staying awake after 7.30! it takes lots and lots of coffee. maybe they can set me up with a caffeine IV drip in the hospital waiting area... ya think?

today i will try to avoid sleeping in the afternoon at all cost, see if i can get more sleep at night, and correct things in one night.

feeling horrible does not help the tendency to collapse into sleep. oh that and i need a shower, wash my hair... omg.... omg...

~ waves ~
p.s. yes by clear of migraines i meant i shouldn't have any for at least two weeks... less now.

I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I know you feel over whelmed at times. Try to take one moment at a time. I had wondered how you did yesterday for Thanksgiving. The holidays can be so stressfull. I hope you found a few moments of peace, to put your feet up and just relax. You are in my thoughts. ginnie

good luck tomorrow. it sounds oh so stressful. I had heart tests two years ago and thought i flunked my stress test...i could only last on the tread mill a short time. i passed. i had to take the nuclear test over once because of some reason. I just feel they aren't going to find anything but a good working heart!
Love
bobby

Dear waves I hate to say this but maybe you should avoid the caffeine tomorrow, it can affect your heart rate and even maybe interfere with the results. This is a stressful day for you and you can do this...your mom is going with you right. She will be a distraction for you to help pass the time.
Sorry for the long wait between exams...waiting is so hard....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Try using the de-caffeinated, and telling yourself it has caffeine in it.

I used to do this. It works to a degree if you just don't tell yourself it
doesn't have any.

Thats what I do.

Donna

Hi

i appreciate the concerned suggestions but i don't function without caffeine. i do sometimes have decaf coffee though, so occasionally, i screw up which jar i use, and have decaf instead of caf or viceversa.

Donna, when i have decaf by accident the placebo effect fails epically... i find myself disoriented and wondering why coffee didn't work... i figured it out once when i put back the jars in the wrong order... that time i knew what happened.

i am having caffeinated coffee right now, wearing the halter. they specifically told me to do everything i would normally do and take everything i would normally take. the only thing they asked about was if i was already on any heart meds. i have to write my activities and any meds in the diary. i am going to include # mg of caffeine in there when i have it because i don't have the same kind of coffee ppl drink here.

if anything is causing problems, it is the zoloft, not the caffeine. and if so, that is what the tests should show - whether or not i am safe on this med. i do not expect them to find anything wrong. if it is all just harmless aches and pains i can keep taking the zoloft. this is all a PITA but in any case i was supposed to do a stress test before being able to exercise safely ... so at least that test serves a genuine purpose.

btw, i am not really worried about having heart problems. my main source of stress in this whole thing is keeping track of the appointments and going to these tests and dealing with the clinics doctors clerks and crowded waiting rooms etc. all that collateral stuff is really really really really really really hard right now. the exams themselves are in and out really. the echo was with a male cardio but he was really professional i didn't feel uncomfortable at all also i was fascinated by all the heart sounds which were being played out loud...

i don't believe i have heart problems. i believe the zoloft has started causing symptoms that can look heart-related, so exclusion was necessary if we are going to be "sensible" about things. and as such, i was very very very p.o'd off by my mdoc's attitude, and even my pdoc first arguing the anxiety angle... it is not anxiety! and i have now proven that! but i kinda knew it already and they were blowing me off, causing me to feel like some hypochondriac. you get on the web, land everywhere, ike AHA site, or Mayo clinic, it's like, if you have chest pain you should go to the emergency room to rule out heart issues... and here i am getting all but laughed at? it's like ok, i know i am depressed and don't care if i die, but geeez... you guys are docs, and you don't care either... bet it would be a different story if i weren't a head case though, hmmmm.

Zoloft commonly (1 in 10 pts) causes harmless chest pain. Infrequenly (1 in 100 pts) it also can cause precordial pain which is what i had this time. Rarely (1/1000 pts) - it can cause heart attack. i found it only recently in the flippin' warnings! maybe they just added it. anyway, doctors are supposed to protect us not blow us off.

personally i've had days so low i felt like, fine, i hope it is screwing up my heart so i can have a heart attack and die at least it will all be over because i certainly wouldn't be able to do myself in... ha! end of depression. the problem is sometimes you have heart attacks and don't die and end up with chronic heart failure and a horrible life and even more horrible drawn out death, not a quick pop off in your sleep.

there i hope that was morbid enough. sorry i am having "one of my turns" i suppose....

anyway. likelyhood is, the Zoloft has just started having different side effects on me than it did when i was younger and they are harmless. all tests done so far were good (EKG and this morning's echodoppler). which means probably i can continue taking it, and after i lose the 15 lbs i lost and regained, i can start exercising again to lose the rest. who knows when that will be....

contingent on good results on stress test and those of this 22 hour EKG of course.

~ waves ~

You are doing every thing correctly following their orders and keeping a diary is a PITA but at least you can document the amount of caffeine you are having. I commend you for keeping up with everything. I am sorry that your feeling this emotional about all of this, soon it will be over right the testings and such.
I am sorry this is causing so much anxiety for you. At least you can check these tests off your things to do list. and maybe you might have the go ahead to exercise.I knew the monitor was going to be a PITA, I did that many years ago and had all of the same tests that you had and they found irregular beats that ended up being stress. The irregular beats just went away.
I hope your chest pains go away.
love you
bizi

Dear Waves,

Yes. I hear this. You have been explaining this for a while. Now it is laid out in one post.
I will be happy for you when the tests are over. Even though you expect to to be fine, the trial of the massive inconvenience is a great deal because you have to go through each step. Also, when I went through these tests in summer 2009 and then more again in fall 2010, I found it difficult to focus on my heart in a way that I normally do not. The focus on yet another part of my body --- and a key part at that -- was disconcerting. It wasn't like I wasn't already anxious! My anxiety level was through the roof during that time. The heart tests did not help much with mood -- what with having to think about my own mortality. And never mind dealing with the clerks at the desks and on the phone and the paperwork and the co-pays and the lab results coming in the mail. I admit to being a little freaked out with a whole new set of patients. I'm used to seeing neuro and depression patients in the waiting room and my pdoc's office because he does neuro stuff, but to enter the a new place of sharing the world with heart patients was difficult.

Often, I wanted to pinch the heads off the office people.
Usually the techs were very good. I was thankful about that at least. And the mdocs were good too.

I don't know if you felt what I did --- that the focus on the heart --- even a very healthy heart was disturbing. I think I took until a year later to recover from that last round of tests. I recognize that as I write this out.

Maybe for you it is different. Maybe these "trials" can be life affirming for you. Maybe you can see them as a way to learn about your body in a way that you don't normally do until you show up on someone's radar and then in a cardio's office.

Thank goodness that you are getting the tests done and can learn that you are fine to take the Zoloft and to exercise whenever you want.



You have done great with the tests. This is huge. When you complete these, you can go onto the next steps toward letting the Zoloft help you get better.

M

=-=
I am going to come back later to delete the dates.

I believe you are going for that test soon. I wasn't sure of the date. I am thinking of you too, and that you can get them over with and not be upset anymore. I hope the zoloft can work for you. I am OK with it so far. No side effects, no more jitteryness. I will be thinking of you while you undergo all these heart tests. I know it isn't fun, and I pray they treat you kindly and with the greatest of care and compassion. ginnie

Thanks Mari and Ginnie for the encouragement.

for me it was different. i felt disturbed by both my doctors' indifference to ruling out heart problems, when every source i could find seemed to indicate that should be done. what i found disturbing was their unwillingness to focus on the heart, just to rule it out. furthermore i found it insufferable that they tried to sell me on the anxiety despite my insistence that i had no feelings of anxiety or other anxious sx, and the type of pain was different (both times) than what happens to me with anxiety.

my mom is hyper and stresses me out but she had to come for a couple of reasons. i watched the way to get there carefully today. monday i have to return the halter (before 8 am "preferably" GRRRRRR!) so i figure i'll do that on my own. i won't be missing an appointment even if i screw up a bit getting there. having gone once by myself i'll be able to go for the stress test appointment on my own.

i am worried about clothes for the stress test. the instructions only say to bring shoes but it is freakin cold now - 30's in the morning. i do not want to end up with sweaty pants outdoors afterwards so i'm figuring i'll bring a full change of clothes just in case. i've never done one of these before. i don't know if/how much i will sweat.



~ waves ~