Dear Bobby,

Yes. Keep hanging in there.

I appreciate hearing your about your Thanksgiving meal.


M

Hi Bobby

i am glad you guys went out for Thanksgiving, and it was nice of you to be modest about ordering.

How have you been doing?

i am starting to totally stress over ... the next holiday. not really thinking in terms of gifts but it is stress with or without ... major perpetual flesheating guilt if i don't, decision and indecision and social anxiety and crowds if i do. for now i am deferring while i work on my recurrent gift - a homemade calendar which has become sort of a tradition. that is a fulltime job for now anyway. but at least it is one i do sitting up in bed.

love and (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

thank you Waves
i don't know how i am doing. still waking up very depressed and then it eases. last night had a hard time sleeping. got about two hours. i am trying to worry less. trying to convince myself that everything is for the best and that helps me with control issues. that problem that i mentioned to you seems to have cleared up. I have been using flaxseed ground up and homeopathic nux vomica. that is a big relief if it continues.
pudge helps me with my mood because when i get up and make coffee pudge races in the kitchen and i have to pet her. she is such an adorable kitty cat.
she is so independent yet so lovable.
I only gained two pounds rather than three pounds but will try to lose them.
they sometimes have free good bread or muffins at the senior center donated by a great store when they are a day or two old. I will resist.
you are going from one stress to another. holidays can be the pits. i bet the calendar will be really creative. will it be a work of love? or a work of frustration? i don't think you know how to give yourself permission to give yourself a break and really care for yourself. it is really hard to care for yourself. i wish i could give you some advice on how to but i don't have a clue
love
bobby
ps i finally discovered R.E.M. now that they are breaking up. I have been listening to this a lot http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-k3mG6CBE9I&feature=fvsr i really love it

R.E.M is a great band, glad that you discovered them! A simple joy to experience them, thanks goodness for you tube!
bizi

Dear Bobby,

I am happy that pudge takes good care of you.

I am not doing one darn thing for the holidays. Oh I will have to give cards with a little money for the two secretaries at work. Sometimes I get around to sending my god mother a Christmas card by New Year's.

I am more stressed by Dec, Jan, and Feb weather. I want everything to always and everytime be the same. Mid July works for me. We have heat and rain. Then more the next day. Everyone knows what to expect.

I think not getting much sleep makes me even more sensitive than I am already.


You are doing great with your food plan and with going to the center. REM has lots of stuff we can listen to on youtube. I love the internet.

You are good Bobby. The people you touch feel better because of you.

M

i don't know what is wrong with me. for the last few days i have been feeling so empty and depressed. it is awful. i don't know how to pull out of it. my closest friend has a real problem and i was listening to it last night. that sunk me lower but i told her to keep talking. it is a very scary problem over which she has no control. another friend called but the call kept breaking up. she was upset because her brother bought her a notebook or tablet but got her an email. she was upset about the email. maybe it was good that the phone kept breaking up. i told her she could always get another email. i was really bad. I ordered a lot of licorice from vitacost. i guess the licorice was for my feelings of emptiness but i really be unhappy when i gain weight. i am also tired of drinking chicken soup at night but i don't know what else to have.
I keep on thinking of death. I don't know what has triggered these empty feelings.
the hurricane season is over right? that should be a relief. how much vacation will you get for christmas? I hope a lot. this time can you just do nothing.
last night i listen to a lot of r.e.m. on youtube mix.
i forced myself to listen.
bobby

Dear Bobby, I am sorry that you have been thinking of death lately. Do you think about killing yourself or just what it would be like to be dead. Does this happen alot for you? Maybe a call to see Dr. M would be in order, I forget , do you have a therapist?
I hate to think you are suffering.
love bizi

I have a therapist and I can't call Dr.M. I think of death as a release from all my fears which overwhelm me but I am afraid to kill myself because I think it is a sin and i believe there is no exit. I am also afraid of death.
on sunday i called my friend and left a message on her machine. she didn't call me back so yesterday i was really worried so i wrote her a brief message asking if she was busy and told her i was worried. she called me within the hour. that colored my life so much. i can't take things in stride. i blame it on my bipolar and my generalized anxiety disorder. for a long time i have had no energy which might be the result of my depression. it is a rotten way to live.
i didn't go to the senior center so far this week. i hope to go today to sign up for the xmas party. i have to get there early because today and tomorrow they are only allowing 70 people to sign up each day.
I lost a couple of pounds that i had gained. I have a couple of more to lose. that also depressed me. I felt i was accomplishing something when i was losing weight and then when i started gaining weight i felt so awful and out of control.
On the positive side, i enjoyed the class I take on the phone. The fellow said we all have angels and God is always with us and helping us but there is evil and we have to stand up to it. I become very alert when I have the class and seem very interested and alive. My universe has gotten very tiny.
bobby

you are so thoughtful and giving
fondly
bobby