Thanks Steve.

i feel incredibly fragile today. like i am made of glass... vulnerable to being dropped/shattered. not real anxious (only mildly), but like if i try to do anything i am going to disintegrate or something. i might need to do something small, just to prove to myself, it is not true. maybe that would help.

then i might watch Poirot (nice, safe, clean whodunit, based on Agatha Christie mysteries), if i can concentrate on it. my concentration has been off as of last night. i couldn't even concentrate on stupid games.

My father cooked me lunch. he would have made it for himself but he hates to eat alone. and it was a dish i enjoy. so it was very nice.

i hope you are feeling better also. the holiday stuff is putting pressure on me, but also the fact i was supposed to be ready for a class in January. and i'm just so not. i am disappointed in myself, and afraid of being out of work a long time again, and that i will end up destitute and homeless.

i read the Bible passages you indicated to me. they were helpful in part... i will explain the "in part"... separately, another time. anyway, thank you, again, for that too.

~ waves ~

is there anyway you could escape through sleep. you have been going through such a very rough time and it is rough just living in the apartment so you have no peace. what exactly are you planning on doing in january? Is it making you more anxious or is it giving you a little ray of hope. You need a little ray of hope. something to cling to now. you sound as if you are just suffering so much and it is unbearable. I haven't written because i was afraid i couldn't write anything positive. Now at least i hope you can find a little ray of hope. maybe even the yoga can do something. the holidays always intensify everything. last night i was trying to make peace with death. no luck.
love you
bobby

Dear Bobby

knowing i am "supposed" to make the class puts pressure on me, and the date getting closer and closer has increased my anxiety, along with the other things - the news/political/economic situation/holiday mayhem. at this point i have to write off the class. i told my parents about it last night and nearly ended up in another meltdown.

my parents make comments if i sleep too much especially if during the day. i can't get across to them to leave me be on that. my mom picks on things like me eating too much cheese. funny how these attacks happened after a few days that i got cheese-phobic (so didn't eat any) after the big argument with her. i think my cheese cravings are nutrient based. i don't eat it with bread. i have trouble with mag citrate because of the residual acidity of the solution. cheese/milk have lots of magnesium in correct proportion with calcium. i also try to eat lots of deep greens (chlorophyll has magnesium). i may need to integrate some zinc because i am not using the pills that have it any more.

sleep is no escape anyway. i go to sleep knowing i will wake up to more of the same. often i dream about moving and not being able to get all my stuff out in time etc etc... i mostly dream about moving between countries, so it's really complicated too.

it's ok to post if you want even if you don't have anything positive to say. it's ok not to post if you don't feel up to it also. don't worry. and your presence doesn't escape me with your "thanks" on the posts. making peace with death... not easy. so many aspects to that. sigh. often i wish i would die in my sleep but i feel guilty just for wishing that.

i feel bad about the holidays because i don't have the energy to celebrate it. i wanted to get a couple bottles of rose wine but i mentioned it to my parents and they picked them up instead. i wish i had not said anything now. it was one of the few things i could have done, and now i can't even do that.

love

~ waves ~

try to catch yourself when you start beating yourself up if you can. i am sorry you can't use sleep as an escape. it sounds like another source of anxiety. i had a bizarre idea and don't know if it would help. go out and buy a tiny plant and start nurturing it. focus just on the plant and nothing else and pour your love into the plant. make sure the plant is a blossoming plant. even violets.
i wonder if some kind of transformation could happen.
is that a wacho idea? where can you find that ray of hope?
love
bobby

The plant idea is a good one. You used to have one I remember.
Yes the yoga class would be good for you. Was the class that you referred to about education course work? YOu are in such a fragile state of mind, this does sound....can't even put a word to it.
sounds awful.
Be careful with yourself. Don't push yourself too hard.
Maybe you can get out side and take deep breaths, are you guys still airing out the apartment?
sending some calming thoughts your way.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Bizi

i don't like to leave the house.

We air out the apartment every day. the heating sometimes bothers me so since it is not freezing cold yet during the day i sometimes leave the windows open and a vent on for an hour or so. changes the air out really well. sometimes i do it more than once.

i still have a plant, my Zamioculcas. but i think she is dying slowly. my mom says it is a natural cycle and that they don't live forever. i guess i always thought the plants that don't die every year (annuals) or 2 could live forever? sigh. i think it is because of its conditions.... i can't provide good enough lighting for it in this apartment. also it's pot has got too small and mom blows her top when i talk about another transplant... i don't know what is worse, silently watching the plant suffer or trying again to get mom to help me transplant (i've tried and failed a few times already). sigh. the house is *FILLED* with her plants and she keeps buying more. i need to transplant the only one i have, which she gave me, and she freaks out.

i hope my dad really does come through with a local yoga class.

~ waves ~

just my thought...that yes you sounded like you were disappointed about the class that you would not be able to attend....maybe that is what bobby thought...i don't know...
love to you
bizi
p.s. We are not her..........

yes. but i am wondering, what, in my post made you think i was beating myself up?

my mother beats me up about eating too much cheese. not me.
my mother/father teases me about sleeping in the daytime. not me. i don't care when i sleep and i prefer sleeping in the daytime. i hate being hassled about it. i feel a bit badly because of being in their living room but not too badly because it's not like they tiptoe around me too much either...

was it the wine? that i can't buy them the wine as a present??? that wasn't my fault!!! i didn't want them to get it!!! i am disappointed and upset!!! that is not beating myself up.

now, if it was something else, i would like to know, what.

sorry, but this is a really big trigger for me now, even though it has nothing to do with you.

someone beat the crap out of me ... about what? about beating myself up! when i wasn't! and even after i told them i was not, they turned deaf ears to it, and insisted. like my denying it was of no consequence, their "judgement" was trump or something.... UGH. but even that wasn't enough, they proceeded to twist the thing around to make like i was using their words to do "beat myself up" and it was ALL very very nasty.

this wasn't too long ago, so still now when anyone starts on the "you are beating yourself up" it brings back all that twisted crap, and the confabulations that went before the incident.

we have always watched over each other here in that way, and say that to each other sometimes, reciprocally. except now, i've gone over the top hypersensitive about it. i suppose i'll recover but i haven't yet.

anyway, if you spotted something specific, please tell me what it was. i trust you. i would like the chance to see it if i didn't spot it, at least determine for myself if i was truly beating myself up or not. one thing i can think of now, is the class... i did beat myself up a lot as the deadline approached and i felt i couldn't make it. i have to let it go now coz i won't make it. i don't feel relieved yet though. almost like i am clinging to the hope of a miracle. (or mania??? )

actually that is not bizarre at all. i have been thinking of getting myself another african violet. the last two died not too far apart from each other and i mourned them so long, i just didn't want another one. sometimes they are ill when you buy them (you don't know if it's the roots) and they don't last... i couldn't handle one dying on me. but i will take the chance now. thanks for reminding me.
it is not wacko at all. thank you.

love you too.

~ waves ~ sorry for the mid-post rant

Hi Waves I understand what you are saying. I feel so many of the same feelings. Fear,false guilt,and fear of total failure are a hard combination. Strange dreams are difficult to shake off. BF

Waves

((((HUGS))))

I would promise to never use the statement. But I hate to say then it
would happen. Because I have a issue of my own called memory loss.

And I forget things like that.

So please if I make the statement, ignore it. Or ask me. Because it
means nothing more than it states. And I am not trying to cause you
anxiety. I just don't have any memory.

So just so you know. If I make the mistake and say it. Its because I
forgot.

Donna

Ps. Love ya.