Dear Bizi

i don't like to leave the house.

We air out the apartment every day. the heating sometimes bothers me so since it is not freezing cold yet during the day i sometimes leave the windows open and a vent on for an hour or so. changes the air out really well. sometimes i do it more than once.

i still have a plant, my Zamioculcas. but i think she is dying slowly. my mom says it is a natural cycle and that they don't live forever. i guess i always thought the plants that don't die every year (annuals) or 2 could live forever? sigh. i think it is because of its conditions.... i can't provide good enough lighting for it in this apartment. also it's pot has got too small and mom blows her top when i talk about another transplant... i don't know what is worse, silently watching the plant suffer or trying again to get mom to help me transplant (i've tried and failed a few times already). sigh. the house is *FILLED* with her plants and she keeps buying more. i need to transplant the only one i have, which she gave me, and she freaks out.

i hope my dad really does come through with a local yoga class.

~ waves ~

just my thought...that yes you sounded like you were disappointed about the class that you would not be able to attend....maybe that is what bobby thought...i don't know...
love to you
bizi
p.s. We are not her..........

i know Bizi. you guys listen to me and do not judge me.

but it's like that phrase sets me off now. hopefully it will just wear off again. that's partly why i asked if Bobby saw something specific, what it was. so i could judge for myself. that part was just dialog. but i felt the need to say that i am overly sensitive to this right now.

what might help me overcome this is if folks specify what it is you see me being hard on myself about. then i can say, ahh, yes, that is true, or oh, oh, no my feelings are different. whether i post about it or not. but if i am not seeing things, it will be more helpful anyway, if someone points them out for me to at least evaluate. i know you guys do not judge. when i am in a better place perhaps the general statement will be ok again. i will prolly still ask if confused.

we always did this in the past. but now it's like i have a sunburn, and having someone pat me on the back when i have a sunburn. the patting person didn't burn me, but the act of patting still hurts because it "activates" the burning sensation.

i will heal. please be patient with me and my sunburn?

i really was beating myself up about the class... that was the source of pressure. not about the wine. i feel disappointed about that.

thanks Bizi for all your support

~ waves ~

i thought because of the wine. i am sorry.
love
bobby

Waves,

I heard lots of concern / disappointment about the class.


(. . jumping in here . . . have to jump back out . . . trying to be somewhat helpful.)

I do also hear maybe depression. Is that true? If you are depressed than we can hear general disappointment about your situation and capabilities. OMG. Are we hearing anxiety too. Both? I am soooooo sorry you are going through these feelings.


(We are all trying to communicate with words.)

It would be easier to communicate by hugs or maybe not even hugs. When I am in bad places in my head, I want someone to sit with me. If that helps you that pretend that we are taking turns sitting with you --- and leaving when you want us to go.
We are available for sitting.
We are available for hugs.
We can come over with any kind and quantity of cheese you want.


The most beauitful thing anyone ever did for me was my cousin. She came over one time for a few days. I asked her to sing a song for me. She did.

I gift you song if that helps you.

I have to run out the door.. . . . will check back when I can.


Mari



Mari

Waves,

We can take a break / hiatus from that term / expression for a while.

We can easily do that for you.

M

thanks (((everyone)))

bobby no need to apologize, you did nothing wrong and you had no way of knowing i'd go loopy. i am sorry if i caused you discomfort because of putting the whole explanation in response to your post.



~ waves ~

WHEN WILL IT END?????

ok. if you are insect phobic, or are grossed out easily... DO NOT read the rest of this post. seriously!!!!

i was finishing my drink after dinner. i saw a crumb of bread in it. i had split croutons for soup so i though that a bit had got into it.

on the last sip something got between my front teeth and i had little legs wriggling against my tongue! i spat and screamed.

scared the heck out of my mom who promptly told me off! i told her my nervous system was not built to accept insects walking around in my mouth, and neither was hers, and she would have screamed too. she shut up.

i am not kidding. and i was not hallucinating. i left my mother examining the thing. she pronounced it to be a flying ant, and wondered how/why we are getting flying ants this time of year.

then the thought occurred to me thank goodness i didn't swallow it it would have wriggled in my stomach till it drowned and i would not have known what it was (or maybe... and EEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!)

i keep having repeat-feeligns of the wriggling on my tongue... i can't shake it. anxiety is building. i already have weight on my chest and feel exhausted.

I mean.......... WHAT NEXT????????

i am going to watch Castle now. i hope it distracts me enough.

i can't believe this. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!

~ waves ~

Waves,

Yes. That was a nasty surprise.
I hope Castle helped.
'Sending you good vibes.



Mari

Waves,

We are ok. We are concerned about you. Keep letting us know what is up.

M