my neice is going to be 30 this year. She has lived with my mother since she was 14 and we rescued her from her awful mother. (another story) her mom and social services boyfriend dumped her into a mental hospital and kept receiving her child support, and food stamps. We drove 1000 miles to go to this hospital, and talked them into releasing her into our care after seeing her and finding her in bad shape. She cleaned up well, she was quite shaken from all she had been thru, and hid in her room for a long time. I got her to come out for meals eventually after promising her no one would judge her on how much she ate, or disturb her while she was eating. It was like coaching an abused animal back into life.

years went by. I got her a GED which they converted to a high school diploma because that was federal law. if she graduated within six months of her class she was entitled to the diploma, not just the GED. Took another year to talk her into community college. She did well as long as it was no more than 3 classes per week. Then she hit a depression and I couldnt get her to go no matter what the bribe, chat, chatter, or incentive. She went back to living in her room. I got her to go back 2 years later and she completed 2 classes before she crashed again and has sworn off any school of any kind.

Fast forward a bit more. She will be 30 this year. She says she wants to work, but wont look up jobs or go to an interview. She says she wants to drive, but she panics behind the wheel to the extent that its unsafe for her to continue, then she feels like a failure and back to her room. She is 350 pounds. She eats 2 or 3 large pizza's in one sitting. She comfort eats, and is never full. She has asthma and blames the steroids in the inhaler for the weight. She refuses to walk to the mailbox to get the mail, let alone walk around the block to see the neighborhood, watch the birds, or just get out. She drinks soda like its going out of style. She throws her dirty plates, cans, and clothes where ever she wants. She demanded a "therapy cat" but refuses to clean the box. Frequently the water dish is dry. She shows no compassion towards this animal who is drinking out of the toilet and locked in her room with her 24 hours a day. She showers about once every two weeks only because she is forced.

My problem is she has been living with my mom, and as he years have passed I have tried to explain to her that the roles are shifting. its not want, its a NEED. I NEED her to drive. my mother is unsafe driving, and is going to wreck. I promise they wont renew her license as she is confused now and easily lost. I NEED her to help around the house. I am not picking on her, the housing authority does monthly inspections and if the house is not clean they will be evicted. She agreed to ONE cat as per the lease, but on the last inspection they found 3 and all were in bad shape. They removed all but the one on the lease and of course, back to her bedroom she went. She sits on the internet 20 hours a day. She has no social circle other than the computer. She never leaves the house unless forced.

I am to the point that I am going to have to step in. not only for her, but for my moms safety as well. She has been getting quite aggressive with my mom. Verbally and now she is starting to push on her. she says she is helping her to the bathroom, but she is aggressive with it. Before you say call social services, I have already done that. They called and gave my mother advanced warning that they were coming. She paid to have the house cleaned. She praised my niece and told them how helpful she is. She is terrified of being forced into a nursing home. My mother just had a huge back operation, and is more helpless than ever. She is eating from a can because she cant stand up long enough to cook, or they order out which they simply cant afford.

My niece isnt just being lazy. There is something wrong with her. She cant make decisions. She cant figure out how to do things for herself. she is frequently depressed and then all of a sudden she gets these huge bursts of energy and wants to go to school or learn to drive or will start throwing out all of her furniture wanting new stuff. She has ZERO income and my mother pays for her internet (she refuses to cut it off) and she got a payment after her sister died but she used it to buy my niece a new computer, so my mother isnt helping.

Can I save this girl? should I try? am I stuck and I should just back up, leave them alone and watch it unfold? Since social services gets lied to when they show up, and no one sees her EVER unless she is forced what can I do?

Any advice or help is appreciated. im going to get a call some day soon that one of them is either carted off or dead.

hi dejibo,
Wow that is a lot to think about. welcome to our forums, I see that you have been a member for a long time.
Unless she admits to having problems she won't change. It is up to your mother to set limits etc.She is enabling her bad behavior.
YOu can't have her commited unless there is immediate danger. I would suggest counsilling for your mom and her of course. She sounds really selffish. Iam sorry for your family...any men in the family to help?
bizi

how old is your mother? I wonder if she belongs in a nursing home. Are you worried she might get hurt? Your niece sounds as if she is suffering more than bipolar. she sounds as if she needs a half way house. she doesn't sound as if she has been socialized. I feel badly for you and admire you for not stepping away
bobby

bobby you are right!

Hi,

She could be bipolar but it hard to see from here because she has other things going on as well. At this point she could have some traits of Personality Disorders. Wikipedia has a list http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder
These are often hard to treat with medication.

There could be some type of ADHD going on -- people with that sometimes appear lazy to outsiders because they cannot manage well. She certainly seems depressed. How long do those huge bursts of energy last? A few days? A few weeks? Months?

The niece probably qualifies for disability but that would require her to cooperate with authorities.
By protecting her for a decade and a half, the grandmother has harmed her.


The roads are safer without the niece driving. At any rate, she needs lots of progress before she can drive and she is not interested in change.

Because of the state and federal civil rights laws enacted in the 1960s and 1070s, neither one of them can be forced into medical treatment unless certain conditions are met. For most states, the person has to be a danger to self or others. Ask a social worker or someone who knows if there is a third condition in your state --- has to do with the person being able to take care of themselves.

If the granddaughter is violent, call the police immediately. They can take her to a hospital to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. Maybe call the police at their non emergency phone number during the day and ask them how they handle mental health phone calls. Maybe they have some ideas for you.
What is the condition of the home? Maybe it is in violation of city codes and you could get the city involved.

Maybe you can get some talk therapy for yourself so that you can handle the stress of this situation of whatever the fall out will be. As you point out, somethings are going to happen anyway --- whether those two want change or not. In the meantime, you can stay healthy for yourself.

M

I can think of two things that might help.

First because of your mothers age. At least I'm hoping she is old enough
to be considered in the category of Department of Aging.
As far as I know each state has one.

I would get ahold of this agency and find out what kind of help they
can give her. I would also just inquire about this. Especially with
the back surgery. She should qualify.


Next with the niece, I would apply for SSI, She definately should
qualify. This will give her some income of her own. But she should
need a rep payee. Period, do not let them make her responsible
for the money. I would also suggest that you be this person, instead
of your mother. I would suggest you do this because of your mothers
age. And the fact she can walk all over her.

This would make it possible for you to pay your mother, rent for her.
Help with the utilities, and pay the cable bill.

Explain to them both, that if its listed that she pays rent, she gets
more money. So they want this to happen. Otherwise she might
get like 200 less.

You and they don't have to pay as much as you say. Just have to do
it on paper. Then also she will pay for at least part of the food she
eats.

You will also, teach her how to cash a check each week. THis will
be what she is allowed to spend each week.

Donna

PS. If there is extra money, she can be allowed extra, but it takes time.

Next

Each state has a Vocational Rehabilation Department. I would get ahold
of this agency. If she continues to want to work. THey can help you
with her wanting to work. They will help her find a job, and usually they
shadow the person on the job.


Also I would suggest, you get ahold of the Department of development
disabilities. Its possible that she might also, fall under their waivers.


I would look into all state help.


There are advocacy groups in all states. That can help you. Look for yours.

Also NAMI, is a place that can help.

Donna

TY for the advice. I DO think she is bi-polar, but I think there are more things going on than that. Her mother is/was a drunk/drug addict and so was her daddy when she was conceived.

My mom is 75, but had polio growing up, and is quite disabled. She is in post polio syndrome now and really is quite defenseless. She cant stand long enough to shower, cook a meal, or make a bed. She scoots in a chair. Her power chair was torn up by my lovely sister and now it doesnt work, so my mother counts on scooting herself from one spot to another, and REFUSES to report that the chair was ruined by another. She in my humble opinion is right on the line of needing a nursing home, but I believe her life would be dramatically improved by allowing my niece to be admitted to the hospital where she can get care.

my niece REFUSES to accept benefits or apply for them. She states she doesnt want to be a "burden on society" yet she feels no shame to share my mothers $900 per month check. She eats enough for two full grown men, and hides in her room. She was supposed to be helping to cook, clean, and do my mothers errands or needs.

She fights for 5 hours to avoid 5 mins worth of work. There will be 5 dishes in the sink, and she will argue, fuss, fight, excuse her way thru the day till you have to SCREAM her into the dish water. She hides dishes in the bathroom, under her bed, under the couch or anyplace she can to avoid having to clean them. I suggested to my mom that they use paper and avoid the fight, but my mom refuses and said she cant afford the extra expense.

She thinks its ok to go 2 weeks without cleaning the cat box. (this was when there were 3 cats!) She doesnt ever think to fill the water bowl, or food bowl unless prompted hard to do so. For years many did things for her, instead of having to face the arguement that ensues once you engage her.

I believe my mother for her own safety and sanity needs to remove her from the home. she burns thru the money, the food, keeps the place a sloppy mess, and yells and is getting aggressive with my mom.

My mom has thus far refused to force her into help. She said one day she is either going to drop dead and someone else can deal with the girl, or someone will admit her to a nursing home and she will be forced to move by the housing authority as she is listed as "caretaker" under the terms of the lease, not as grandchild. She pay NO rent, no utilities, no food, no dental, no transportation, no monthly feminine supplies, no laundry expenses (she doesnt even do her own) and so on.

its a double edge sword. I HAVE called Social services. They gave her a two week notice they were coming. She paid to have the house cleaned and bragged on what a great grandchild she has. She denied all charges. I had a psych MD visit her during her last visit and went so far as to tell them she DOES have a grandchild at home, but she wont help her. They called the girl in and forced her to show them she knows how to change her back brace.

As you have figured out I am not close. They are in NC, I live in NH. I am not around the corner, and have been told that its "none of my business" stay out of it. Well, my mother is being abused. I think that is my business! my niece slips further and further away each year. That IS my business!

IF and thats a big if my mother decides to end this, how would she get this unmotivated girl some help? I advised her to go to the ER and speak to them about her. DONT let her represent herself as she will lie. Tell them the truth and that she CANNOT come back to your house when they are done. Hopefully social services will put her in a half way house. My mom has told me several times she is at that point.

is there anything I can do to motivate this girl? I love her so much and it crushes my heart to see them both suffer.

First, your mother would not be able to take her to the ER, and have
her admitted in most states. I'm not sure about the one she is in.

But I would find out what would happen. Next please look into
that.


In Indiana, there is no way to admit someone against their will, unless
they are suicidal.

Would your mother consider going into a assistive living facility?

Donna

Hi,

You need to talk to an MD, Social Worker, or lawyer not associated with Social Services.


Your mother deserves better but as long as she refuses to ask for help for herself she makes it difficult. Does your mother have an MD that she would talk to?


Your mother can call Social Services herself and tell them the truth.

You cannot motivate the niece unless you have the cooperation of your mother. You CAN motivate your mother. Keep talking to her.

M