Glad that you are liking the new church. they have wonderful programs for the kids........thank you for sharing what you are dealing with emotionally. This must be so hard to accept...your dreams are trying to comfort you but don't sound like they are.
thinking of you today.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Butterfly

Please make contact again with him. I think part of the problem you
had at the funeral, was that your in-laws were with you too.

I remember how stressful it was at your house. And his just commenting
about the clothes reminded you of her. And how she would look.

I think you can go with some food. That you know they would like. And
I bet you remember some of the things her daughter really enjoyed. In
snack foods. That you could take over, for her. You could also start
taking the daughter for a day. As a friend day.

I also agree, go out for a coffee, or a coke and coffee night. You don't
have to be drinking coffee, you can drink something else. Even go
for a sandwich sometimes.

Its something that would be good for you.

Donna

I think I will tell the lady from church that yes, I'll go for coffee with her after the bustle of the holidays are over. I haven't even started wrapping presents yet.

Twice since her dad's funeral, my friend's husband and I have talked about me going over to their house. Once he messaged me saying that his daughter was asking to see me. I said just tell me when, I'll be there. He never wrote me back. Then he posted about the election, etc. and we talked about mundane things. Then again he said maybe one Saturday you could come over. I said sounds good, this Saturday? let me know what Saturday works for you. He comments on my posts, etc. but I'm still waiting to hear which Saturday he wants me to go. It's confusing.

I would show up with food but I don't want to force myself into their lives. He seems very fragile to me. He knows I am here whenever he's ready. I think he is going through a lot and changes his mind often about what he wants and needs.

wise words Mari

Butterfly
I think you should show up this Saturday, with some christmas goodies.
And also to see the daughter. And talk to him a little.

Then just set up another day to come and see them again.


I don't think he will set up a day to start this. I think he is wanting
you to set the beginning.

Donna

Thank you Donna. I'm going to give that some thought. This is all just so awkward. And hard.

hugs to you dear butterfly.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Butterfly It sounds like he's playing it by ear,and that he's in allot of pain. BF

Butterfly,

Normal rules of etiquette do not apply for people like him in mourning. You are expected to be pushier than you normally would be

Next time, message him and tell him what day and time you are stopping by with some cooked food:

-->> I am stopping by your house between 2:00 and 4:00 tomorrow when I am done with my errands. I am bringing some chicken and some side dishes from the grocery deli. 'Look forward to seeing you.



See, you are being sensible here. That only works in normal circumstances.
He has too much going on in his head. He could benefit from the company of a friend who is making decisions for him. Announce to him what time you are showing up with food.
He can message back with a better time if he wants.

You are right that he is not clear on his wants and needs. Make that easier for him.

M

This stuff about decision making applies to people in moderate to profound depression, as well as people in mourning. it is helpful to make decisions about times etc for them, and to gently provide company and support on your own initiative. they mostly will not ask for help otherwise.

MOREOVER:
when you are there, it may be a bit uncomfortable. people who feel bad may have trouble talking, especially at first, and they may feel inadequate. don't make this about yourself. It isn't because they don't want you there. It is about them, and the immense pain they are in. What you can do to help is to try to be a comforting presence to them in the way that is most natural to your relationship.

A few people respond to being "cheered up" but often that is not the case nor appropriate. so if you try it and it fails... try to be more gentle, and low key. put yourself in listening and hearing mode. Be a rock your friend can lean on.

you might hold the person's hand, hug them, or rub their arm lightly.
you might prepare a small snack, or make tea or coffee.
you might sit in silence with them.

-------------------------------
TIME:

i might plan to stay for about a half hour. this is what i consider a margin for you to gauge your friend's response.

Case ZERO: (very unlikely but) if when you get there you are told bluntly it isn't a good time... don't insist and do not make it about you. i would not apologize since that can have the paradoxical effect of bringing up their own feelings of inadequacy. That would lead to their feeling guilty for causing you to feel bad about reaching out. Here I'd simply tell them you understand and that you will gladly come around at another time. It is nice if you leave them with a little gift, food, or a card.

if you go and in the first half hour your friend seems to feel progressively worse or progressively tired... don't linger. Even your short visit will have shown that you care. It will mean something to them, even if they cannot show it. Let them know you were glad to see them, and tell them things will get better. Tell them you would like to come again if it is ok.

If they start to perk up a little, you might extend your stay... how long depends on how long you'd normally spend with that person and how well you know them, etc. It is hard to give a maximum time limit you will have to play by ear. When you leave, still make sure they know you were happy to see them.

---------------------------

i base this on my own experience with depression. when it starts to get a certain way, i cannot reach out - i need people to reach out to me. i can't make plans. afraid to let people down. if they reach out to me i am grateful. if it happens when i *really* need to be alone i might tell them, but this would be an exceptional case. Sometimes even if one is in crisis, provided the other person doesn't hitail it at the sight of a tear, company is comforting, even if it would never be sought out. It has been immensely helpful when someone has affirmed their own wish to see me, and their compassion, as well as willingness to come by again.

what has happened to me is for friends to be aware of my depression and not wanted to "bother me" until i let them know it was ok They said i could call whenever, but i couldn't. Between the inability to reach out/decide things/make plans, part of a depressed state, the result was i grew more and more isolated...

take initiatives for grieving and depressed friends.
be the strong one for them.