What he means by cleaning out her closet is that he wants me to pick a few items out for their daughter, as keepsakes and for when she's older. He wants me to take whatever I want. Then he wants me to do something with the rest, give away to others or Goodwill. I It's like at times, this is what he wants. So he contacts me. Then he changes his mind and decides no, he prefers seeing her stuff hanging in the closet. Then he changes it back and wants it gone so he contacts me.

The reason I am leery to push is because what if I do initiate getting the ball rolling on this because I perceive it's a need for him, then I do this for him and then a week later or something he's upset because he regrets it. I mean I already feel like I would be betraying my friend by agreeing to do this, but he says he can't do it and I do want to help her husband. But once I do this, it's gone forever. I won't be able to get her stuff back. That's why I need him to be 100% sure. I couldn't handle the guilt if he blamed me for rushing him into this, even though at times it's what he wants me to do. I don't know anybody on the suicide support forum. Do any of you know, is there a time frame, let's say a year? How long is it appropriate to clean out someone's closet? I want to reach out, but this is what is holding me back.

And because ya'll are like my talk therapy group I have to say this for my own well-being. She & I used to do everything together. I was there when the realtor showed them the house. It needed some updating. I helped her pick out paint colors, light fixtures for her bedroom and master bath. I hung the shelves right next to her bed and bought her the porcelain antique decorations that are on them. She shot herself in her bed. I have not been to her house since then and that is where her closet is and the whole thing just hurts like hell. I hope I don't sound selfish. Her husband and daughter found her and poor things had to see all that, which I cannot even imagine how you go on after that. And I know that's the last thing my friend would have ever wanted to happen. If she had thought this through she would have figured out a way to spare her daughter from the sight of it. Her daughter was her world and the reason she hadn't done this sooner. That's how I'm sure that I'm sure that it was an impulse decision. Sometimes a person is just tired of hurting and can't take it another second. She is a great person, I wish it were all different.

Butterfly,

Probably it is best that you did not go over there for a long while. I forgot about the "where" of what she did.

I deeply apologize.

Mari

Butterfly This is so sad. Bizi's mother is Alffe on the SOS forum. She comes down to this forum sometimes,and we sometimes go up there. Alffe may be able to help with recommendations. BF

I don't think that he is ready to do this and it may take a while before he is,I'm am sorry that he is hurting so bad,no you do not sound selfish it is very hard to walk into a place with all the good and the bad mimories of someone that you loved

No apologies, Mari. Y'all have helped me so much.

As close as her and I were, I consider him a friend, but he & I were never close. She and I mostly did stuff together while our husbands were at work or on a week night while her husband stayed out with his guy friends. Now that she is gone, I feel unsure of my place in their family dynamic.

And I know once I go in that closet I'm going to remember oh we bought this pink outfit for her to wear to her baby shower and I had to run last minute and pick it up from the lady who did the alterations, oh this is the red trench coat she wore to that picnic we went to, etc. I just know it is going to be a vault of memories. I am willing to do anything I can to help, but before I put myself through this, I need to know for sure her husband will be okay after I leave and it's all done. I'll keep y'all posted.

Butterfly,

A very close work friend that I have known for 25 years passed away twenty one months ago. Hubby and I did some things with his widow and their adolescent son. For a long time, we initiated contact to meet for lunch every three or four months. A few weeks ago, she initiated contact. She sent a text asking if hubby could tutor her son. I sensed early on that she felt that contact with hubby (even just for lunch or shopping at Marshalls) was healthy for her son. Her son and hubby have some similar quirks.
When my friend passed, he left a ton of books in his office (and even two small books cases he brought from home) and we needed the space eventually but not right away.

About four months after he passed, a work buddy, hubby, and I helped her load books and two paintings from the office into a van she rented.
At four months she was ready to deal with books and so were we. But I recognize that books are not the same as clothes that you bought together with your best friend.

I was never close to the wife -- and she is hard to get close to anyway. But feel a little bit of responsibility for helping the son.


I cannot really understand what you are dealing with but I do have a great deal of sympathy.

You can check with your new pastor's wife about suggestions about the timing issue when you meet her.

Mari

Dear Butterfly,

sorry about my generalistic post on grieving and depression. I had not gone back in the thread far enough to know the circumstances of her death.

I agree about not taking initiative to clear out your friend's closet. Their place might also not be a good place to be for you. I totally agree you have to take care of you first.

I am starting two threads for you - one here, and one in the SOS forum so you can receive better support.



~ waves ~

Dear Mari

I'm glad you liked the quote from the Little Prince. I decided to make it my sig with part of the surrounding text/context. i've often used sigs from the little prince in the past. Anothe favorite was "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly - what is essential is invisible to the eye." I believe this is spoken by the Fox that the Little Prince befriends. I collect The Little Prince first editions in every language legible to me. The original French is well translated but there are some subtleties lost on occasion... that is to be expected.

i believe going to the ER was the right thing to do esp. with family history. Kinda wish you hadn't told the doc you were better but at least by then you'd done a bunch of tests that were clear. if it happens again though, stress or not, i would still go back to the ER in your case. I am also considering the fact that you are on a medication which affects cardiocirculatory function... even if that's not the reason it has been given you. i loved that the ER doc called you... did you perchance ever call him back?

Wondering now how you are doing with the gabapentin. Spotted a very frustrated post after several nights at 400mg and feeling stoned. i need to go to sleep (to pretend i've been sleeping) before my parents awaken. so i am not going to hunt for the post - actually i did try but i must have missed it this time around.

I also have that half doubt of ... what if the pregabalin works better for you than the gabapentin... if you can stick out 400 till you no longer feel stoned, i wonder about swtiching to the pregabalin at that point.

i am going to try to fidn out some equivalence for you tomorrow. right now i must go. i've been off because i've had migraines the past three days - triptans worked on the pain but either the med or the migraine put me on my butt felt like a trainwreck and was passed out a lot.

talk to you again tomorrow. hope you are hanging in there.

~ waves ~

Butterfly This is so very sad. I've thrown away some things like yearbooks,and military school uniforms,trying to put the past behind me. I wish that I hadn't done that. I wish that I had my yearbooks back.

In this situation,it's impossible to know what to do about the cloths right now.
I'm so sorry. BF

Waves,
I took two nights of Gabapentin at 450 approx. I want to get to 600 quickly to see if I get relief of nerve pain. (Pdoc said if if helps it will help at between 400-600.)

I have benefited at smaller doses from lessoned anxiety and depression.
I have been on the four hundred (or four hundred plus) for 9 nights. I need longer to see an effect.

Lyrica will not be available in generic until 2018.

M