Butterfly,

I live 15 miles from the real beach. (30 mins drive.)

I get to go about three or four times a year.

Hubby and I have a deal that he takes me on my birthday in the summer and then during our Christmas break -- I go twice a year with him. We go after the sun has gone down and watch the moon and stars and the lights from the ships. We usually stay from 1 1/2 to 2 hours and then come home. Last Dec was cold-ish and windy. It was fun.

I can get my girlfriend to go to the boardwalk about twice a year. We go very late afternoon (still light out) and walk. Then get a bite to eat.


M

Oh how nice! My best friend used to love the beach. She's with the Lord now. We'd go to Florida several times a year, her parents had a condo there. I remember the sign they had by the back door it said "If you're lucky enough to be at the beach, you're lucky enough." ha! She would lay out and tan, but I best enjoy the beach at night. I am fair skinned and burn easily so I don't enjoy the beach much during the day. But I LOVE the beach at night. Oh the sound of the waves and the moist breeze. And the stars are bright over the water just like you described. Love it! Hope you get to enjoy it soon. :Heart:

I love the beach best at night also. One time my arms got sun burnt before I found a room.

I like the salt in the air,the sea breeze,the sea gulls,the Piers,the sand,the sound of the waves,the stars,the moon,the board walk,and etc.,etc.etc. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Butterfly,

I am happy that you have good memories of being at the beach with your friend. Lots of hugs.

M

butterfly, I too am sorry about your friend. Too young to go.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Me too Butterfly.

Hopefully one day you can return to the beach and remember the times.

Donna:hug::grouphug:

Completely stoned on Gabapentin 400
 

Hi,

I am soooooooooo freeeeeekking messed up. I feel stoned or SOMETHING after three nights of Gabapentin at four hundred (400) mgs.

What mess I go through every time I try to raise the dose. What was I thinking!@!!!!!!!?


. . may the universe help me because I have an 11:00 meeting tomorrow/ Tuesday. Good luck with that. It is a small meeting and I have to be there and those jerks will be paying attention after I helped orchestrare the ""NO" vote last week on the same pile of garbage they "revised"" for us to vote on again tomorrow.

(Yeah, I am aware that I am not making sense but it helps to write it.)

M

Hi
 

hello Mari,as long as it helps you to write what deferince do it makes sense,I hope you get your meds. straighted out:hug::hug:have a grate night:hug:

sorry
 

Dear butterfly I'm sorry to hear about your friend:hug::hug:

Butterfly I'm sorry that you lost your friend also. BF:(:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you! She committed suicide February 6th of this year. I'm happy for her that her battle with depression and addiction are over, but I miss her. I am looking forward to giving her a great big hug in heaven and hearing her laugh again. She had a great laugh and could always make me laugh, no matter what.

Though I still can't believe it's real at times. :Heart:

I hope you make it to your meeting tomorrow! And that you are able to decrease back down if that's what you need. :Heart:

dear butterfly, This will be a hard christmas with out your best friend. I am sorry for you.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm sorry about this to...But you have us Butterfly. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hi Mari That's both scary,and aggravating when you have a difficult time in synchronizing a medicine to be helpful,and not harmful. I hope that you figure out what dose is best for you. I hope that Tuesday goes well for you. BF:hug::hug::hug:

not high enough
 

This is the same problem I have had with other medications -- The dose I take does not help. When I raise the dose, the side affects are difficult. I am sticking at the 400 until I no longer feel stoned. My goal is to get to 600 so I can evaluate if the med is helping for nerve pain and anxiety.

M

Cannot go to bed.
 

I am afraid to go to bed more than I usually am. I do not know what is happening.

I want to avoid dealing with the bed. Maybe it is too much trouble to brush teeth, wash a little, put on bed clothes, check this, check that, write notes to myself about what I have to do tomorrow.
. . find ANY WAY I can to distract my self and find something to do other than go to bed.


I am sooo totally losing it. I am not o.k.


M

Mari It sounds like fear,and obsessive mental activities combined. Checking things can go hay wire in the mind.

My ocd was getting worse when I checked things in my wallet,then it exploded into other obsessions about all kinds of things. I would think about something,and it would become a large problem in my mind,and distort in my mind.

I have a digital recording device with 18 worries/burdens recorded in it. I actually have 2 of these recording devices. If it's something that needs to be taken care of very soon,I write out a note,and tape it to the computer monitor.

Mari.:( The things we go through.:(:hug::grouphug::hug: Good luck at this meeting.:smileypray: Whatever happens,you will get through this. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I think you are experiencing the end of semester anxiety, trying to finish up, get things done, ...just my thoughts. sorry that you are not well. I wish you would take yourself or go with a girl friend to the beach.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

scard
 

I am really sorry that you are having so much truble with your meds,and I hope that you start feeling better soon,with out sleep you don't funchion well or think stright.I really hope that things start going better for you:hug::hug:

Dear Butterfly,

That was such a short time ago and she was such a big part of your life.


Did you go back to your hair dresser's church again. Did you like it?

M

Butterfly Yes. That is a major loss. I'm so sorry that you lost your friend,and it wasn't long ago. I'm sending Hugs. BF:hug::hug::hug:

The ER mdoc had called the next morning
 

Hi,

Today, I found a voice message on the answering machine from the ER doc last week. He had called at 10:45 in the morning to ask if I was alright.

M

that was sweet of him.
:)
bizi

I keep having this recurring dream and she's there and she's telling me that it was all a big misunderstanding and that she's not really dead. And I'm so relieved. Then I wake up and I'm so upset that it was just a dream. I have asked God to not let me dream this anymore, but I still am. At least 5 times now. Most recently this week. I'm not going to lie, this is hard. I thought as time passed it would get easier, but I find it is getting harder. It's like all sinking in that her number will never show up on my caller ID again. Her car's never going to pull up into my driveway again. I've known these things since the funeral but living the reality of it is hard. :Bawling:

At her dad's funeral end of October, her husband asked me if I would go over and go through her closet. He said he didn't know what to do with all her clothes and that he thought she would want me to have it. He said ya'll are the same size. I just froze. He said I'm sorry do you think that's morbid? I said no, oh my God no, it's just that... and then I couldn't stop crying. I love her husband and feel so bad for him. I try to talk to him, but seeing him reminds me of her and I mostly cry instead of talk and I feel bad about it b/c I can tell it makes him uncomfortable. At the funeral home we were talking, after talking about the closet, about their daughter how she was doing in school, and I started crying again. And he just abruptly stopped talking and said I have to go ya'll, I have to go get a bottle of water, and then he hugged me and walked away. It felt weird. I felt so bad. I still feel bad when I think about it. I think he had to get away from me because I kept crying. He is the thinist I've ever seen him and I'm not an expert but I think he's still in shock. He's doing the best he can going to work and caring for their daughter (3rd grade). He has no time for much else. I don't know where I was going with this... this was the week my in-laws were here... thanks for listening...

Mari we have been back to that Baptist church several times and are really enjoying it. We only didn't go last Sunday because we had colds. The Sunday before that Mr. Butterfly went with the children and I stayed home. That's how I know my husband really likes it there, otherwise he would have just stayed home with me. I was actually surprised that he went.

One of the associate pastors and his wife have been extra friendly to us. They even sent me a friend request on facebook. Their children's ages are about the same as ours. She sent me a fb message saying "do you drink coffee? maybe one night our husbands could watch the children and we could go have coffee? I'd love to get to know you better. If you ever need anything, let us know." She seems really nice. Of course in the past I realize I have been a bad judge of character, so I probably should be more cautious, but for now I am going with that she's nice, until proven otherwise. :Heart:

Mari - Were you able to make it to your meeting this morning? I'm sorry you're not okay. I hope you are not afraid of going to bed tonight. May it be as welcoming arms, no anxiety. I wish little fairies could come while I am on the computer and brush my teeth and put my P.J's on, and my face cream. I, too, don't enjoy the whole bedtime routine. :Heart:

And I am so grateful, you'll never know!!!!:grouphug: Lately I feel very ALONE. Even though my children are with me 24 hours a day. So I go on facebook, I guess for some interaction with people. So I'll post something. And when only 1 or 2 people "like" my post, it's like it just validates that I have no one in this world, no one who cares about what's going on in my life. Just typing this sounds so high schoolish, yet I feel this way. I don't want to cancel my account because it is the only way that I can keep in touch with some of the people in my life. I see my new pdoc in 2 1/2 weeks and I think I'd be to embarrassed to talk about this. Doc, I think I'm suffering from facebook rejection. Kidding aside, I think I am mildly depressed. :Heart:

Wow, a caring doctor, what a blessing :Heart:

A deceased person in your life is like a tremendous void left behind. I'm so sorry. I'm sure there is shock,and trauma about her death. I'm so sorry. You will get through this. Try not to figure this out. It will be painful,and you probably won't ever know why.

I'm so glad that you found a good church. The person that you are talking about sounds nice. It hurts,but try to trust the person when you have known the person for a while. The person may be a genuinely nice/friendly/helpful/loving person. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hi, Butterfly,

Yeah. Over time the pain is different, not necessarily better . . . at least for a while. And new feelings can crop up. I think there is no rhyme or reason to how this works except that sometimes it can come in waves . . . it lessons for a little while and then comes back. Then comes back eventually with less intensity and less often.
Then certain things will trigger the memories. Eventually those become good moments maybe.

Some families do this with clothes. It made sense to him but not to you and that is o.k. You could still contact him to ask him if he has the clothes. You might want a few pieces of hers to remember her by. Or you could take a few pieces to help him feel better about things. It might be a way for him to honor her memory.


Can't you drop him off some food that you either buy on the way or cook at home? Or maybe he does not feel like eating and if you invited him and their child, it would be good for the both of them. If you can handle seeing him, it might be good for him and for you.

This is very good news.


In box her a "Yes" about the coffee. That is wonderful. You do not have to become close friends with her. Maybe you will become coffee friends.
The more people you meet, the more likely one of them is to connect you with someone who becomes a close friend.

Mari

Glad that you are liking the new church. they have wonderful programs for the kids........thank you for sharing what you are dealing with emotionally. This must be so hard to accept...your dreams are trying to comfort you but don't sound like they are.
thinking of you today.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

:hug:Butterfly

Please make contact again with him. I think part of the problem you
had at the funeral, was that your in-laws were with you too.

I remember how stressful it was at your house. And his just commenting
about the clothes reminded you of her. And how she would look.

I think you can go with some food. That you know they would like. And
I bet you remember some of the things her daughter really enjoyed. In
snack foods. That you could take over, for her. You could also start
taking the daughter for a day. As a friend day.

I also agree, go out for a coffee, or a coke and coffee night. You don't
have to be drinking coffee, you can drink something else. Even go
for a sandwich sometimes.

Its something that would be good for you.

Donna:grouphug:

I think I will tell the lady from church that yes, I'll go for coffee with her after the bustle of the holidays are over. I haven't even started wrapping presents yet.:eek:

Twice since her dad's funeral, my friend's husband and I have talked about me going over to their house. Once he messaged me saying that his daughter was asking to see me. I said just tell me when, I'll be there. He never wrote me back. Then he posted about the election, etc. and we talked about mundane things. Then again he said maybe one Saturday you could come over. I said sounds good, this Saturday? let me know what Saturday works for you. He comments on my posts, etc. but I'm still waiting to hear which Saturday he wants me to go. It's confusing.

I would show up with food but I don't want to force myself into their lives. He seems very fragile to me. He knows I am here whenever he's ready. I think he is going through a lot and changes his mind often about what he wants and needs. :Heart:

wise words Mari :Heart:

Butterfly
I think you should show up this Saturday, with some christmas goodies.
And also to see the daughter. And talk to him a little.

Then just set up another day to come and see them again.


I don't think he will set up a day to start this. I think he is wanting
you to set the beginning.

Donna:hug::grouphug:

Thank you Donna. I'm going to give that some thought. This is all just so awkward. And hard. :Heart:

hugs to you dear butterfly.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi:hug:

Butterfly It sounds like he's playing it by ear,and that he's in allot of pain.:( BF :hug::hug::hug:

Butterfly,

Normal rules of etiquette do not apply for people like him in mourning. You are expected to be pushier than you normally would be

Next time, message him and tell him what day and time you are stopping by with some cooked food:

-->> I am stopping by your house between 2:00 and 4:00 tomorrow when I am done with my errands. I am bringing some chicken and some side dishes from the grocery deli. 'Look forward to seeing you.



See, you are being sensible here. That only works in normal circumstances.
He has too much going on in his head. He could benefit from the company of a friend who is making decisions for him. Announce to him what time you are showing up with food.
He can message back with a better time if he wants.

You are right that he is not clear on his wants and needs. Make that easier for him.

M

This stuff about decision making applies to people in moderate to profound depression, as well as people in mourning. it is helpful to make decisions about times etc for them, and to gently provide company and support on your own initiative. they mostly will not ask for help otherwise.

MOREOVER:
when you are there, it may be a bit uncomfortable. people who feel bad may have trouble talking, especially at first, and they may feel inadequate. don't make this about yourself. It isn't because they don't want you there. It is about them, and the immense pain they are in. What you can do to help is to try to be a comforting presence to them in the way that is most natural to your relationship.

A few people respond to being "cheered up" but often that is not the case nor appropriate. so if you try it and it fails... try to be more gentle, and low key. put yourself in listening and hearing mode. Be a rock your friend can lean on.

you might hold the person's hand, hug them, or rub their arm lightly.
you might prepare a small snack, or make tea or coffee.
you might sit in silence with them.

-------------------------------
TIME:

i might plan to stay for about a half hour. this is what i consider a margin for you to gauge your friend's response.

Case ZERO: (very unlikely but) if when you get there you are told bluntly it isn't a good time... don't insist and do not make it about you. i would not apologize since that can have the paradoxical effect of bringing up their own feelings of inadequacy. That would lead to their feeling guilty for causing you to feel bad about reaching out. Here I'd simply tell them you understand and that you will gladly come around at another time. It is nice if you leave them with a little gift, food, or a card.

if you go and in the first half hour your friend seems to feel progressively worse or progressively tired... don't linger. Even your short visit will have shown that you care. It will mean something to them, even if they cannot show it. Let them know you were glad to see them, and tell them things will get better. Tell them you would like to come again if it is ok.

If they start to perk up a little, you might extend your stay... how long depends on how long you'd normally spend with that person and how well you know them, etc. It is hard to give a maximum time limit you will have to play by ear. When you leave, still make sure they know you were happy to see them.

---------------------------

i base this on my own experience with depression. when it starts to get a certain way, i cannot reach out - i need people to reach out to me. i can't make plans. afraid to let people down. if they reach out to me i am grateful. if it happens when i *really* need to be alone i might tell them, but this would be an exceptional case. Sometimes even if one is in crisis, provided the other person doesn't hitail it at the sight of a tear, company is comforting, even if it would never be sought out. It has been immensely helpful when someone has affirmed their own wish to see me, and their compassion, as well as willingness to come by again.

what has happened to me is for friends to be aware of my depression and not wanted to "bother me" until i let them know it was ok They said i could call whenever, but i couldn't. Between the inability to reach out/decide things/make plans, part of a depressed state, the result was i grew more and more isolated...

take initiatives for grieving and depressed friends.
be the strong one for them.