Some of you may remember the consultant that got me into the finance institution with loopy boss (who it turns out valued my work quite a bit), followed by another short stint of work from which i had to withdraw after vacation.

well that consultant called me in february to see if i were feeling better and perhaps available - told him i was going into teaching and felt that i could not handle the stress of development positions.

yesterday he called me again. another job offer, mixed responsibilities. technical support type area, they want someone who is english mother tongue to act as a facilitator in conference calls. other work involves relaying responses to/from techs, some reporting for superiors, and some excel work. like i said mixed bag. low pay but every now and then a week off (full time day-wise, but not by #days/year).

well. bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, especially in this economy. unemployment rate is ridiculously high. i can't bet on schools hiring because people aren't spending... there may not be a lot of demand right now, and it would all be part time, might have to juggle several schools, different location for each course... etc.

but this consultant fears that the person he has in place now might "not last" and so he's trying to push me on availability. i'm trying to push back but meanwhile...

my anxiety has shot up. today i realized i am just completely petrified of having to move into full time work within few weeks. if the other guys stays his time (till Jan) i have an adjustment period, but right now i feel water at my throat rising..........



i am trying to reassure myself... they can't kill me... worst can happen is i'll have to leave... etc.... i think my biggest fear is getting ill again and stuck out of work again...

~ waves ~ incredulous!

Waves

You can do it. I know you can.

Its just something that you need to think about.

Donna

no wonder you were having anxiety!
gosh it sounds like alot full time etc.
sounds like you did good at calming yourself down, what ever works!
bizi

I was scared also before this job that I got years ago. I got all of the encouragement that I could get,and went in. After about six months into the job I got terrible anxieties,and I had to quit. I moved back in with my parents for about 6 months. Then I went back to my apartment. After about another 6 months,I went back there,and asked for my job back. I went back,and worked there for 13 more years. BF

Dear Waves,

Are you telling him that you will think about it and trying to stall him on a decision? Is that my understanding?

Maybe you are more stable med-wise than you were before you started the last one.
Is the travel better than the last one or about the same?

Regarding your biggest fear: you can quit faster than you did the last time. You are more aware now of your needs.

Will you have a degree of flexibility about migraines? I am concerned about that.

Try not to factor the economy into your decision making. That is external. Go by what is happening with you these days.

Anyway, if you are in a healthy spot you will know in your heart and mind what is right for you (when we are not healthy, it is hard to take a reading). Sometimes, a few more days of letting yourself "feel" if this is right, gives you enough time to get to the right answer of what works for you.

M

Thanks Donna.

I appreciate the vote of confidence. The work does sound like something I can do. He also specified it was a low stress position in a non-competitive group. I think it's that I don't feel ready to jump into any full time so soon / in a couple weeks. Totally not prepared for that, yet, i sort of believe in when opportunity calls.... can't reconcile the two here.

I do have to think and feel this out carefully. Today no anxiety "attacks" just an overall pervasive sense of abject terror. Not a good sign.



~ waves ~

yes Bizi.
This feels premature... and perhaps something else i can't put my finger on yet.

I was actually amazed that the self-calming worked with that bad attack.

The second time i went for the pill, because i figured once it was under control it would hold it down a while without putting me out. but i tell ya, i take 2.5's of lorazepam, ok, and my depakote augments the plasma level a good bit by inhibiting its metabolism.... so it's like i take maybe 3.0 or more. but i could have used at least another half wafer! i mean it was that baaaaad!!! and i haven't even been having anxiety at all!!!!

i went from 0 to off the scale due to one job offer.

~ waves ~

Dear Steve
I am wondering if this is the job where you got all the bad treatment? In my past jobs where I've gotten sick it has either been depression with really high anxiety, or mania tending on mixed and either way the longest i lasted was a year. i went through some cycling at one place while not medicated but the environment and presures were such that i could not perform much for a spell and then perform at 300% a normal person's expected rate... without micromanagement it worked out.

one thing is i am indeed terrified of gettng sick again whcih is what happened last time.


~ waves ~

Dear Mari

I should have. I don't know what i was thinking... I basically told him it sounded good but I have to wait on some medical results to commit. So i do have an out but I am still wondering how I lost the habit of always popping the "Ok thank you, I need to think about it and will let you know" phrase. sheez!

yes, i am more stable. Last time i had been depressed and was already showing mixed features, i was drinking unmoderately (symptom). Then i had a switch to mania which was mixed at at times.
about same - perhaps 10 mins longer due to walking.

quitting is not easier said than done - i basically eat a month of work without pay and **** off the consultant.

absolutely not. the whole premise of returning to work is that i am now on medication that can cover me most of the time and fix me when i have a breakthroug migraine.

we have a expenses. i can't stay unemployed all the time. not taking an available job might mean not being able to get a job when i am well enough to get one ... that is a fear. double edged sword though isn't it.

i am hoping the time it takes to do the labs will help clear things up. either this abject fear will abate or it will not. i know my heart is not in this. i did ask myself if i thought i could find a way to PUT my heart into it, using a different perspective, assuming i decide i can actually cope. that i don't know yet. i can't even cope with thinking about it so far. it brings to mind jobs in corp environments, walking through those grim hallways, feeling oppressed. that is where my heart not being in it comes in.

we shall see. thanks to the labs, i do have some time even though i did not negotiate it correctly.

thanks Mari for all the good reminders.



~ waves ~

Hi Waves. Yes. It was the job where I had received bad treatment. I started out in fear,then ended the job in anger. I was very agitated when I left that job. I did get stronger during this job,and confident in my work ethic,but got very angry during the process. I'm trying to forgive everyone,and the people who tried to make me upset on purpose. BF