EVERYONE

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful support here. i know i am late replying ... i felt really embarrassed by the whole incident. Even after i saw my therapist, who also said i was not being infantile but that dad was being insensitive.

He feels my parents have a limited capacity for empathy. I have thought that about each of them at different times, but they are quite distinct. I believe my mother is capable of empathy, and actually has a great deal of it, but unfortunately she has overwhelming difficulty expressing it, or even expressing positive feelings. she even has trouble accepting compliments.

My dad on the other hand can seem like a an incredible sweetheart, really charming, magnanimous, and indeed a saint at times. Then, at other times (say, if you cross him, challenge something, or ... not sure of all the logic here) he can get really nasty. I've seen him get mean with my mom too. I think it doesn't seem as bad to her, because she grew up with much worse, and in that day it was commonplace.

I used to think it was just when he drank, but now i know that it is not, since he doesn't really drink any more (thank goodness). He actually seems to have a real Jekyll/Hyde dealy going on. Most often we see the Jekyll. However, it seems the Hyde is always there, always lurking - and it is indeed hydeous forgive the pun. I don't think he is a bad person, but despite the fact that he yells less and seems more convivial than my mother, and more often, i believe he is damaged in a way that makes him more hurtful than my mother, and even potentially dangerous, if "only" to my psyche.

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I want to come back to answer some of your specific posts... a few of you made some very acute comments, that were - and will be - very helpful to me.

For now, i just want to say, that mom actually helped me out here with this situation.

the following day there was a ruccus between them over dad's meds and finding a box of stuff he does not usually take. my mom had a possible explanation (leftover) but he kept insisting someone had made a mistake... he always needs someone to blame... yadayada... and i order his meds most of the time... erhemm. as it was, i had ordered some minutes earlier, because he was out. so i go into his room and lay a high-on-my-horse statement including the words "infantile, kindergarten, incompetent" (referring to self), said meds were ordered and told him he was welcome to do the pick up, verification of med scripted, verification of exemption, purchase, and verification of package handed to him, himself... later, tomorrow, or next week... yes i was mad.

ok mom... well when she came into the living room i blew gaskets about his and my conversation the day before which she had not heard about. her reaction was very goodnatured. for one, she brought me her sockies to show me they were not deformed, and assured me no harm would come to them. she acknowledged seeing that i was upset when i first saw him wearing them but she thought it would be ok because it was only a temporary thing. then without further ado, she found some jars, and broke out some of the goodies i had bought, and set them out where we have the fruit. she tried to give me an explanation why they weren't opened. in any case she didn't trivialize my feelings or my case or anything. she just did some things to show that what i did mattered after all, which i thought was really nice. this is her way of being empathetic. she is not someone who gives hugs, says i'm sorry, or i love you. but it was clear she "heard" me, and responded with reassuring actions.

after that, i felt better. however i am still at odds with my dad. i got a bit obsessed ... which is a problem i have, i know. but i also keep thinking back
to the huge altercation he and i had in september... i am starting to realize some things about my dad that i had not before.

again, thank you all so much. i am so grateful for all of you. you all keep me afloat when i give up swimming.

~ waves ~ who has got rid of today's migraine and, hoping it won't return, is off to watch Poirot! (oh cool! they have the English audio this time! YIPPEE! )

It sounds like your mother really came thru for you. I am glad for you.
sorry that your dad is questioning the medications etc. yes he can do all of that on his own....which is a big job keeping up with every thing. glad to hear that your m,igrain is gone, for now. hope it stays gone.
hugs to you today.
bizi
(((((HUGS)))))

Dear Bizi

on dad's meds... it was'nt specifically about me, but i was potentially involved just by virtue of the fact that i most often order his meds, and definitely ordered the last lot.

we try to do things for him in his areas of difficulty. he doesn't like going to the doctor, or dealing on the phone. plus, it is cold out now and he has emphysema - we try to keep him out of the cold as he reacts to the tiniest draft. he wasn't trying to blame me specifically, however, he was trying to find someone, ANYONE, to blame. he completely rejected my mom's suggestion that perhaps it was an unused box from last year when he was prescribed that medication - a perfectly reasonable POSSIBILITY.

He rejected it without reason, persisting in blame-seeking: possible error by pharmacist, doctor, me, or mom, in writing, dispensing, requesting, checking script, or checking med. i can only guess it might be a reaction to his not realizing he was clean out of his proper med. perhaps felt out of control and this was a way to feel in control - by slamming others. i don't pretend to understand all the things that cause him to strike out. but ultimately not realizing he was out was his own responsibility... even if the other box was somehow obtained by error, he, himself, should/could read what his med boxes say when we hand them to him! When mom said this he just kept on his previous line... as though she'd never said it!

His arguments were not only ridiculous but futile. Consider that raging is what he was busy doing when the doctors 1-hour window for calling in scripts started... i called it in as i'd not heard the mention of myself yet or i would not have!!!

Here is an unrelated example: he decided the reason the handle on the washing machine keeps breaking is because my mom turns it too fast. we (mom and i) believe that nowadays they make lower-quality replacements. the original one lasted 10 years and she hasn't changed her way of interacting with the washing machine! since we replaced that one, they last tops 6 months!!! We've been through 3 and the third is showing signs of coming apart!!!!! but he is immovable when he goes into blame mode.... this is just one of the aspects of his Mr. Hyde.

My doc says it will get worse with his aging.

thanks for your support sweetie. (((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Like bizi said, I am happy that your mom's actions are revealing what's in her heart - that she is remorseful about the way things were done even if she can't/won't verbalize it.

As for your Dad, his issues sound like his issues. At first I thought they were directed towar you but it seems they are directed like a shotgun blast at many people in his life, which unfortunately includes you. As for him blaming everyone else for big things (like him needing his meds) to nit nanny things (like the washing machine handle) he sounds much like a small child. My small children rarely take responsibility for their own actions and usually always say it was the fault or caused by someone else. We have to tell them sometimes don't play the blame game. Did you do this? If so, say yes Mommy. I don't know. Is this some sort of his aging process/dimentia coming on or has he always been this way (I'm talking about the unreasonableness and blaming)?

Dear Butterfly,

thanks for your thoughts.

it's always been this way, but my pdoc says these behaviors worsen with the aging processs.

also in the past when he drank heavily he could get real nasty, or simply his self-righteous behavior would come out.

for instance, i remember as a young teen or teen staying up (he had a night job) till he came home and he'd start up a philosophical discussion... always intrigued me. except ultimately it would lead to my being upset - he would start it with a question, there would be an amicable discussion but in the end, he would have a position on the subject and no matter what mine was, i was wrong, and he was right... it wasn't a question of point of view. i got clued in because my mom would wake up sometimes he'd try to talk to her, she'd say you've been drinking and go back to sleep - refusing to engage. i was too young to know what i was getting into and Mister charming Jekyll would hook me in...

he doesn't own anything. i think it's something a bit bigger than just not growing up or being childish, but i'm not ready to say it (maybe i'm not ready to believe it). in any case, the cause of it would have to do with (his) being devalued as a child, which i do know occurred. if it's the kind of thing i suspect, people who are like this do not change, since they never recognize a problem within themselves.

~ waves ~

Hi,

Hubby and I are working on the blame stuff. Work Buddy and I have as well.
Hubby tries to figure out what happened. It is partly due to a compulsion (or OCD) but also he wants to make sure that he is not blamed.
It seems something he learned from his father and from his paternal grandmother --- make sure that you do not get blamed for something by blaming the other person first. It appears that they spent their whole lives blaming or avoiding blame.
I am also certain that hubby was beaten as a child. He spent much of his childhood working to avoid blame.

If there is no person to blame, Hubby can blame the machine and say it is does not work. He has to find fault. It almost seems to be his way of seeing the world. But he is getting much better now.
When something in the kitchen would smash to the floor, he instinctively, blamed me on the other side of the house because I put it in the wrong place or something.
I tell him, it is never anyone's fault. Things break. Things crash to the floor. And so on.
They just "are."

I noticed that Work Buddy has been training himself (perhaps for years). When something goes wrong, he says, "It is nobody's fault." Duh. It is never anybody's fault. It just "is." And we move on. We clean up the problem if we can. If not, we let it go and carry on.

M

Love it!