Thank you all so much for your support

this is an ugly situation. it hurts that it has come to this. i feel stupid for not getting out while the getting was good... i knew there was a major boundary issue and crossing these boundaries most often ends up on a bad road.

this whole thing just has me really upset - my brain is hits redline the second i start thinking/talking about it again.... was just talking to my mom... now i need distraction, sedation, etc, somehow... could become an obsession so esily

i want to take something don't really want to go the benzo route

btw i also had another thought don't know why i never though of it earlier, but there ARE other options besides those i mentioned will say what another time gotta get out of my head right now regarding pdoc choices i mean.

~ waves ~

I am glad that you have other options right now, post when ever you are up to it.
Find some peace today.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Waves

Just like with my health, all that matters is that you are okay.

Donna

Thanks so much Donna. I appreciate your posting to me here. I am keeping you in my thoughts you know. And I really appreciate your outlook.

I saw that you are considering a double mastectomy... wow.. that is brave but I also appreciate the reasons you have. I wonder what the surgeon will have to say. Physically, the result might be easier on you - not sure bout the healing process/pain. Because I think it will affect use of your arm. He may suggest if you want that, that it be done one at a time. I guess it also depends the extent of the one surgery.

I hope you had a good day today, Donna.

~ waves ~

Lithium is one of my least favorite meds but I sure know it flattens and so that s why I asked for it.

I think i'm going to be going back to the state center, if they accept me. I am a mess now, but was also not good the last time I went. Started out depressed but had lots going on so if I can just approach it like that pdoc is going to help me with my meds it might be ok. and better for her and for me.

she isn't the counselor and for that i hope they reassign the psych they did last time whom i never met but she sounded warm on the phone.

---------------------------
I first started seeing my current pdoc not privately (that was because I moved) but through a clinic that has a convention with the state - it's kinda like accepting your HMO insurance except the patient costs are not paid by insurance but by the state medical system. i have an exemption for bipolar care so i can go to any such clinic - say at nearby city. there are not a lot that have psychiatric care, and the state does not have a lot of coverage for counseling, but still. I realized, these are still additional options besides the actual state center itself. and duh, that i didn't think of this before. and duh that my pdoc didn't think of it either and sat their on a high horse saying, you only come here because you don't have any choice but to see me. well, i realized, there ARE other choices out there to be sought and tried.

i really felt put down - and that he was claiming the whole situation was basically useless. i've thought about leaving before umpteen times. i've stayed because i saw other advantages, not least being the value of having a long relationship. but now i really think it's come to the end of the line.

my gut Bizi, my gut is wanting to puke over this (and other things). I "oughtn't" trust my gut, according to my little rules, because i am emotionally overwrought which makes it not a good time to change things yet the pull is so strong... I think I will go with the flow on this one... even if there is some bipolar in the flow.

A good friend used to say, "Just because i'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me."

rephrase i may be crazy doesn't make me stupid... or wrong.... or imperceptive! (actually this kind of crazy can make one even more perceptive than usual )

~ waves ~ but you can bet I will tell him flat out i have no reason to do it sneakily. I will just make sure things are set up, so I am covered.

I found my old logs from when I took carbamazepine (and a bunch of other stuff). I was taking 600-800mg bid of CBZ and 600mg bid of Lithium. WOW! - 1200mg a day total! I did have side effects at this dosage - they are noted on the charts. This was the second time I took it, and the titration was also rapid (3 days).

This time I started at 300mg (two 150mg doses). I had planned to increase to by 150mg every 2 days, but looking at my old treatment plan, I feel safe increasing by 150mg every day.

I've decided on a target dose of 900mg/day split in 2 doses, (450mg bid).
Then I will do my first round of labs and levels.

=================
Should I experience side effects during the titration, I shall back off a step and await the first round of labs as well as feedback from a new pdoc.

I don't know if the state center will accept me but my intention is to try there first. That pdoc may have been pushy but she at least did seem vested in the med aspect of her profession... which is a large part of her role.

=================
I've considered upping my Depakote too, but will leave it alone. I feel that had my pdoc been on the ball he would have suggested upping my Depakote. Indeed, when I asked him what he could give me, he said, "Nothing." It was I who asked for lithium. Then he agreed to it.
Seems absurd!

I am vascillating wildly between feeling sorry for, guilty about, and furious at my current pdoc.

~ waves ~

Waves,

It is o.k. to temporarily embrace all of those feelings.
Some will drop out and you will be left with one feeling that helps you.

Med info: Keep tracking what is happening. That spread sheet info is helping you now.

M

Hi Mari

I am not currently charting. it could be useful in future, like those old charts are now... i know.

that was always one of the "larger" purposes in charting.

i'll see if i can get myself started up charting again. but staying with it is easier than starting it, especially when feeling so all over the place, much as keeping a job when under duress is still easier than job-hunting. different thought process and different emotions and different energies involved.

starting job is a bigger "hurdle" than the chart. i will try for the chart. it is good advice.

how is your evening tonight?

~ waves ~

Thank you BiziI really appreciate your understanding and support!

This is hard.

~ waves ~

I am sorry that this is hard. You are a very strong woman and I know that you can do this gracefully.
I have every faith in you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi