[bizi]

thinking of you today.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Dmom3005]

I've been catching up on the thread. Sending some hugs.

Donna

[waves]

I hope you have been able to rest, relax and enjoy the weekend, Mari, and that you are feeling much better.

Check in when you are up to it...

(((hugs)))

waves

[bizi]

here is hoping that you don't have to go in early today.
bizi

[Mari]

I stared the Lamital at 25 on July 17.
I was on it for two weeks.

Since went to 50 mgs Lamictal.
It will be three weeks of 50 mgs Lamictal when I see pdoc on Tuesday/ August 20.

THREE WEEKS!
This is a long taper. I think he was supposed to give me more pills and some actual instructions the last time I saw him.


Did I tell you I am depressed?
M

[Mari]

Bizi, Donna, and Waves,

Thanks for the kind words and hugs.

I am having a hard time but making it.
Depressed, tired, and overwhelmed but not anxious tonight.


For the past few days I have been thinking a lot about my work friend who passed away. Certain times of the year I think about him.
I realized tonight to the degree that I am ANGRY at a couple of people who I dislike and never want to see again because they were not supportive of me both leading up to his death or afterwards.

I could try to get over that because I can get over most things, but I am holding onto it --- that there was a lot of pain watching him try to live as he was dying, dealing with his death, dealing with his students who lost a teacher two thirds of the way into the term, dealing with his wife and kid (and finally packing them up to move across the country).
His daily struggle to come to work even when he lost considerable weight, had primary responsibility for his son because the wife had inflexible work hours and commuted farther, and helped me up to the very end by being my friend and letting me be his friend.

Except for Work Buddy, those people were not there for me as I dealt with any of that. For them, my friend's struggle never existed and my pain afterwards did not happen.
AND for Work Buddy and me, our jobs became almost impossibly hard for the next two years.
We felt that we were all by ourselves.
The two of us are still recovering from that time period too.

(I think I am venting. . . . )

Mari

[waves]

Originally Posted by Mari

I stared the Lamital at 25 on July 17.
.
It will be three weeks of 50 mgs Lamictal when I see pdoc on Tuesday/ August 20.
.
I think he was supposed to give me more pills and some actual instructions the last time I saw him.

I am sorry the Lamictal and the new pdoc are a struggle for you. Wish meds were easier. My understanding is you have enough pills (with script renewal) but the instructions on the pill bottle applied to the initial "plan". He should have reviewed the new plan with you when you last saw him. Part of the point of seeing you is to make sure you are safe, and the other part, as I see it, is to confirm or update the medication plan. Because plans can and do change.

==============
I do think that going slowly is the best thing for you, fwiw, to avoid overwhelming s/e's.

My sensitivity to Zoloft has increased over the years. At one time, I could start it, stop it, and make large dose adjustments to it, without significant s/e's. In recent years, however, I've had more and more s/e's when starting it.

What has most helped me keep titration s/e's to a minimum:

1) making smaller dosage increases.
2) taking more time between dosage increases.

The drawback, of course, is that it takes a good bit longer to reach a therapeutic dose, but getting there later still beats having to give up the drug before you know if it can help.

I wish you strength as you continue this journey.

waves who needs try to get out now. I will be back later (maybe sooner, if I don't get out).

[waves]

Originally Posted by Mari

Depressed, tired, and overwhelmed but not anxious tonight.

Depressed and tired sucks , but the not anxious part is good, and promising.

For the past few days I have been thinking a lot about my work friend who passed away. Certain times of the year I think about him.

The loss of your friend happened over a period of time and you may have several anniversaries: times that correspond to different events associated with his passing.

I realized tonight to the degree that I am ANGRY at a couple of people who I dislike and never want to see again
.
those people were not there for me as I dealt with any of that. For them, my friend's struggle never existed and my pain afterwards did not happen.

How horribly invalidating. I am sorry you had these people around you at such a difficult time, and I understand never wanting to see them again.

I could try to get over that because I can get over most things, but I am holding onto it --- that there was a lot of pain watching him try to live as he was dying

Yes. The anger and those people is all rolled up into the pain of losing your friend, and I think holding onto the pain, for now, is a part of honoring your friend's memory somehow. I also think it honors your feelings for him and about him.

I hear your love and admiration for him in your suffering. At some point in the future you might feel the pain less, but still be able to feel the love and admiration. Right now, they seem inextricably bound. I believe that is natural, but I am sorry that you are hurting.

for Work Buddy and me, our jobs became almost impossibly hard for the next two years.
We felt that we were all by ourselves.
The two of us are still recovering from that time period too.

Yes. This was a huge ordeal affecting so many parts of your life. Recovering is going to take time, but some has already happened. Trust that more will happen, gradually.

Here is a beary big hug for you :



waves

[bizi]

I am glad that you have your work buddy to talk to. Do you have these kinds of conversations with him?
bizi

[Mari]

Bizi and Waves,


Those two people quit work and moved on with their lives while my work friend was still alive. They sort of left the three of us -- work friend, Work Buddy, and me. I felt abandoned then and now. Anyway, those two people have popped back into my life a couple of times and I do not want anything to do with them. . . . whether that is irrational or not.

A few days ago, Work Buddy spoke about a poem he had written about our friend and posted on his blog a few months ago (and that I had seen of course). I commented on how the two of us have VERY different memories of what kind of person our friend was.
Then the two of us talked a little bit about the structure of the poem and moved on to something else.

I wish my tdoc could have helped me more during that time. She stunk as a tdoc.

M