i think it was a huge transition from spending time with your friends in the US and then coming back. that could be very depressing. i wish i could do something to make you feel better. you handled yourself well in the us which shows that you are competent and have good nonvirtual friends. that is so positive.
love you
bobby

Thank you, Bobby.

I do have good non-virtual friends. It was amazing to see that the "connection" with each of them was stilll there. Well, all but one, and maybe it was there, but tainted by bigger things.

There was a lot of hard stuff. A lot. And I really didn't process things much while I was there. I did some... and I did have some down days there, but there was a lot of socializing even just at home, and then later the kids. So I did have to take time alone, merely to regroup from all the human contact. And maybe I didn't quite regroup entirely.

I also slept with one eye open, and with the lights on, for 5 weeks straight, because of the bug situation. That's nights I actually slept. That is a lot of vigilance.

I guess many things about the trip, both good and bad, were ultimately exhausting. Maybe it was not such a good call to stay 5 weeks. I guess I OD'd. LOL. It sure didn't feel like an OD though. I cried a couple times just thinking about having to come back here. And that was not about my friends at all. The place feels more natural to me.

I don't know if all these things should be able to overwhelm me, or if one should feel this bad. Maybe when you add it all up... it's quite plausible. That's what I want to ask my therapist. We will see. Maybe I will feel better by then.

waves

Waves

Sending you some hugs.

Donna

Thank you, so much, Donna. Hugely appreciated. Or should I say huggly appreciated.

backatcha.

waves

Having a cold seems to be grounding me. Moodwise, I feel slightly better, but then the pressure is off to do anything at all because I am "sick".

It also seems to help my parents relate to me... they feel sorry for me now because I am "sick". I feel miserable, but I actually feel better now with my stupid cold and food limits than I did Christmas eve and all of Christmas Day, what with the panic attack, the reprise of stomach trouble, and pressure to eat socially and be nice.

=============

I am not eating enough. Hopefully that will improve a bit. I am having fewer symptoms and sometimes no symptoms now, when I eat, which is encouraging. However I still get full after a very small amount of food, so I end up having about 4 "meals" a day that together barely add up to one dinner's worth of food.

I've lost 8 lbs in the 4 weeks I've been back. I am a bit concerned about the weight loss. I don't need to worry about being underweight yet, but another month of this and I will have to like, get protein powder and drink sugar water and stuff. Anyway cross that bridge. For now I still have a bit I can let go. I need my cold gone though so I can get about a bit more. Right now, I am underactive and really afraid of burning muscle. Need to burn fat reserves, not my muscles, if burn I must.

Burn out the day
Burn out the night
Can't see no reason to put up a fight

-- BOC/Burnin' for you

waves

Got hungry. Having a banana. This will probably be my last "meal" today, unless I stay up until 11 or something. The bananas are overripe. I hope someone else gets to the other two because I don't see them making it till my next fruit-meal. Maybe I will make frozen banana dessert for everyone.

Today's "meals":

4 pm ..... small slice of Christmas bread
7 pm ..... ~1/2 portion boiled salmon, piece of raw fennel
11 pm ... ~1/2 carrot, dry-sauteed, slice of cheddar w/ bread
6 am ..... banana (just now)

That's more or less what I've been having daily, in terms of food types and quantity. Need more veggies, but calories more important for now.

Cold adds:

--- lots of tea with made with decocted ginger water and honey.
--- The cheddar is not ideal but I have to finish it. There is just one more slice. After that it will be the yogurts' turn, as they expire on the 5th.

=====================

Sudafed is fantastic!
However did I manage this long without it. I wonder if the compounding pharmacy can/will make me some.

waves

Waves,

By my VERY rough calculations, you ate 350 calories.
(Christmas bread, 1/2 portion boiled salmon, piece of raw fennel, 1/2 carrot, dry-sauteed, slice of cheddar w/ bread, banana)

So a pattern is emerging.

I am a little curious about what you consider a "day" because for me a "day" has to do with the time I wake up (the real wake up and not the naps) and when I go to sleep.
When people have concerns about a toddler (and I guess it works for adults), they have little foods handy so that the toddler/adult can pick them up and eat them with out much thought throughout the day.
So keeping prepared snacks or meals in snack sizes out or easily available can work.
Protein-type snackie things in this case would be good.

You seem to be on top of it. Another month of 8 pounds down would be with-stand-able you say and that seems right to me because you want to go by how you feel. There are already a lot of feelings right now to make sense of/ deal with/ cry over/ fix/ . . . . This can simmer on the back burner while it is watched but not tended.

M

Wow, I was thinking maybe 600-800. Don't forget the tea will add about 150 calories from sugar. The Christmas Bread is caloric -- the dough is made with egg and butter.

Right, exactly it. Currently, my "day" starts at 3-4 pm (that's "morning" ) and ends at bed time around 9-10 am... it mostly tends to push forward. Sometimes it seems like my circadian rhythm is like 25 hours.

When I start waking up at the parents' dinner time, I usually try to wrap around/stay awake through the day. Invariably I fail and my sleep pattern disintegrates: I go all over the map with arbitrary napping.

Regardless of sleep habits, for food/calorie purposes, I will always break time up into discrete 24-hour periods and call that a "day".

Most of the things I eat are in fact pre-prepped. Either they are left overs (the turkey roast that I was having in sandwich, or the salmon) or I prep them ahead of time. Yesterday I cooked an apple. Tomorrow I think I will make a julienne zucchini/carrot salad and either eat the cheddar with it or yogurt. There is also cooked ham and prosciutto. I try to have a bit of everything and go heavy on the protein if I can. Proteic things are harder, so I often combine them.

Withstandable but I hope not to go there. Another 8 pounds this fast would simply be too fast, even if it wouldn't make me underweight.

The appetite will theoretically start to increase as my stomach settles down. If it doesn't happen very soon, I seriously will try protein powder. (Blechhh! Fake food!) I wonder if they sell krill for humans. And I will talk to the doctor.

(BTW, good news... I got hungry again and had the nearly-half portion of salmon that was left. So add another what, another 100 calories? It was maybe 2 oz.

Agghhhh. Dad is up. Morning tea-time and blood pressure taking!

Yeah. Some really heavy stuff on the brain. That is really what I have the January appointment for. I saw him once already but talked about my friend mostly, and the difficulties with that. But that is background too, for some realizations I had. I wrote notes, too as it was important.... to do with confidence, self-esteem... and the basis perhaps for my lack of direction and motivation. Big, crucial stuff. So he will evaluate my "depression" too, in view of recent events as well as these daunting personal epiphanies. And we'll see.

For the stomach, yes, it's mostly an observing for now, although there is some tending in terms of preparing or thinking out possible foods to have. But mostly it will be an exercise in patience, I think, as rushing will only set me back.

waves

You know, I was also wondering how much these stomach/reflux symptoms are agrravated by anxiety.

A couple of things happened. Christmas Eve I had the panic attack. I also hadn't slept and never eat much when I am unslept. We had a light dinner, but I "felt" the meal.

The next day I woke up with a cold and took 1000 mg vitamin C soluble fizzy drink.

Now. I wonder. Maybe the panic messed me up. Or. Maybe that vitamin C really did a number. But bear in mind, I had been having a glass of wine here and there, on prior days, without any problem. I'd not expect the vitamin C do do any worse than wine! But... a possibility.

The other is that the panic threw me off kilter -- I know it messed up my breathing badly. I have read that anxiety aggravates reflux sx considerably because of the impact on the diaphragm. So I wonder. I don't really feel terribly anxious any more but I'm still biting my fingers badly so there's an undercurrent.

Oh god that salmon is seriously swimming around in there now. OOoops.

waves

p.s. Dad is now left to finish both the rose and the red coz I can't touch it!