Yesterday was my grandson's 13 th birthday.

donna :hug::grouphug:

Happy belated birthday to him Donna! :Birthday:

Today I struggled.
I made it 50 days alcohol free and wavered tonight.
Earlier in the day I thought I could drink tonight...it is saturday and I don't have to work tomorrow nor worry about the crappy sleep that I would get if I drank.....I pondered this several times thru out the day. I kept thinking was this logical? and would think about something else.
WE had a good thia chicken and steamed calflower for dinner, it was good.
Then got ready to go to the concert. piano, violin and cello and viola.
Before the concert hubby wanted to stop and get a new beer.
It was testing fate that I walked in causally with my hubby into the liquor store. I walked around noticing all of the different kinds....wine on sale $3.99 a bottle! oh look, Dramboui $41 dollars...my favorite sipping drink..Oh there is twisted tea lemonade...I bet that is good. oh there is a russian imperial stout...oh maybe I could just drink one big bottle and be satisfied with that.
nope I wanted to get drunk......
Then I thought about my commitments...
100 day challenge with Belle
my spark people buddies
it is lent though I am not religious.
SMART recovery folks....
My bipolar family....
to my dieting friends
and myself.
I calmly walked out of the store empty handed.
I did not tell jeff of my struggle, it is an internal struggle that he knows nothing about.
It is my struggle.
I spoke with my sister yesterday and told her that I had made it 50 days. and she said I am sorry. Then she said oh...am I supposed to say great job! and I said yes.
I tried to tell her how much I had been drinking ( black outs, throw ups, crying in public, the lying, how I would drink a case of 8% drinks in 3 days), she thought it was good that I could stop at 4.....and she doesn't get it. So I need to stop talking about it to her. She is my twin and I love her and she wants me to be happy. I resent the fact that I can't handle alcohol anymore. It is just easier not drinking then trying to moderate then be drunk every other night because I can't stop.
Any way.
Tonight, after the concert, there was a party, we were invited to go...
One of the performers asked if we were going...
I told her no that I was dieting and not drinking, she said well that would make it kind of boring then and seemed to understand the dieting part.
That is the excuse I give for denying my wants and pleasures of food...my clients offer me chocolates and cake, I tell them that I am dieting. They understand. My girl friend today after our walk in the park asked if I wanted chocolate ice cream...I said no. I think she was just being polite because she was eating it, not that she was trying to derail my dieting efforts. I would have eaten the entire container...that is why I don't buy ice cream or other deserts except for dark chocolate kisses that we keep in the freezer and have a couple every night if we want. Like alcohol it is easiest to not keep any in the house.
So I made it to 51 days.
whew!
Thanks to everyone of you who support me in this endeavor.
I am worthy of this struggle.
bizi

:hug: You're great bizi.

Bizi,

This is a very thoughtful post. Come back and read it in the future to remind
yourself of the work you are accomplishing.

You are absolutely worthy! :):):)

My guess is that you are going to get over the resentment.
Keep giving yourself time.
These are new habits that you are developing. Remember that learning
new habits takes time and patience -- kind of like developing new muscles.

Mari

mari, thank you for your thoughtful post to me.
bizi

Well I have a cough of sorts and then an eye head ache that is still there this morning but not as bad. I took an allegra last night at 1130 and went to sleep around midnight then awake at 2;30 then got up at 4am, and am on my 3rd cup of coffee. The paper just arrived so will read that. I need to take a shower so have some things to do. my alarm is to go off at 8 am. Hope jeff is up before then, would hate to wake him up. Have been on line for 2 hours reading face book and email and forums.
bizi

are you a little manic? your stopping drinking could have changed the way you are responding to your drugs?
take care
bobby

HI all.

I am not a happy camper today. My van's window wont go up. And I was
supposed to take Will to town this afternoon. But I can't get anything to
stay on the Window so I can go. So I cancelled all I had planned.

I just wish once things wouldn't go bad.

I have to figure something out though. I can't have the wind the next
two days as I travel to Indy for our meetings.

Ugh, donna :hug::grouphug:

Donna,

The stinks about the wind and about having to travel in it without the car in the condition you need.


I hope you figure something out so that you can do what you need.

Mari

Mari

Thankfully my husband is getting my car ready. Yah, I've been wanting to
drive it anyway. I'm to leave it sitting during the winter because of the
salt and things.

But my van's window wont raise for him either. So the door will have
to be taken apart. I was going to even be happy with something over
the door.
But like taking my car better.

donna :hug::grouphug:

I think it is the allegra.
we will see I am going to take it again tonight.
Before when I was drinking in excess that was effecting my medications, I think I was getting manic while drinking so much.
bobbi, thank you for saying something...
that means a lot to me.
every one please feel free to say something to me if you feel that I am acting manic. I won't be offended.
bizi

i was so afraid to post that. thank you. how did it go today?
bobby

WE went to our friends house for corn beef and cabbage and strawberries for dinner, it was delicious she had cooked the corn beef in the crock pot.
At dinner my coughing increased so I took mucinex D instead of the allegra at bed time.
I was able to sleep thru the night but in the other bedroom in case I woke up coughing, did not want to disturb jeff. He is a light sleeper and my coughing is like a barking, I believe I have bronchitis which I have never had before.
I have eye movement pain, meaning if I look straight ahead there is no pain but if I move them side to side ...pain!
WE have new insurance now so every thing is out of pocket...so will wait this one out before running to see the walk in clinic.
thanks for asking
bizi

I had that once.
That can be serious. Do you have walk in clinics at drugs stores like we do here?

M

I took mucinex today and did not cough at all.
Can't believe what a difference today has been.
thank goodness!
I will take some more tonight.
We have walk in clinics all over here.
hope you are well mari!
bizi
I just coughed for the first time today!
Day 55 today, walked on tred mill 60 min at 3.5 mph.
trying to take it easy still not 100% well. also did some abdominal work too.

I am happy to hear that you feel better.

Keep up with your sleep.

Mari

slept well last night running behind schedule...need to get moving was supposed to get up earlier and take a shower...did not happen.
oh well
bizi make it a great day!

Hi, Bizi,

I hope that your day is going well.

I am happy to hear that you had a good sleep.

M

thanks mari,
I still have this eye pain when I look side to side.
advil doesn't help.
bizi

Could be more sinus's than bronchitus.

Hoping it gets better for you.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Really was a fun interesting two days with my co-workers.
Just wish we could work in more time to talk. But that is
the way it has to be. Cram in all you can get done in the
short time.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

hugs to Bizi
 

hope u feel better soon:hug:

awesome, glad to hear

ah
friday
came home from a spark fundraiser hubby was involved with.
My sister is vacationing overseas and has been sharing her wonderful pictures. It takes some time to look at them!@
Thanks anne for your encouragement.
How are you?
I am feeling better.
still some eye pain but not as bad.
only cough in frequently now. not taking muscinex for now.
Jeff is performing tomorrow at 4pm with a soprano, he is playing a solo piece as well.
and then at 630 we are going to the symphony, friends are giving us tickets, they play in the orchestra.
I hope to go to the gym before his concert.
bizi

Bizi,

It is so cooool that you have music in your life.
'Glad to hear that your cold is going away.
Good luck getting to the gym.

M

So very fortunate to have a musician in the family!
bizi

We went out for dinner for our 34th anniversary.

But the steaks at Applebee's weren't as good as usual.

And they don't make very good salads anymore. But
I like the other kind better is lots of the problem.

But we had a good time, and even a hot fudge sundae each.

donna :hug::grouphug:

happy 34th wedding anniversary donna!
bizi
our favorite steak house is texas road house.

Anxiety was really high tonight at the symphony....very restless, could not sit still. I kept stretching and shifting positions, chewing the insides of my cheeks....good thing it was a short concert.
UGH!
Came home and hubby promptly lost his keys~heavy sigh...
looked and looked for them he took a spare and went out for a beer with friends then came home. I had looked for them while he was gone for a bit.
When he came home he looked some more around the house and finally found them.....
they were in the trash can outside!
glad he found them!
mindfulness....
he needs to work on that.
bizi

Keys have a way of getting lost most anywhere. BF:hug::hug::hug:

That is a weird symptom. I hope that you have a full recovery soon.
Hang in there. :hug::hug::hug:

Mari

thank goodness the eye pain is gone! but the coughing has gained momentum. I woke last night to a coughing fit that I could not catch my breath. so at 4 got up and took a mucinex and slept in the other bed room.
When ever I start to laugh I start to cough.
A friend of mine is going to help me rake and yard work and paper work today.
yeah I will offer to pay her, she could use the money.
bizi

Bizi I've been coughing also. We are heading into the tree pollen season. I've been coughing all Winter. I don't know what to expect this Spring. I heard on the news that this is going to be a bad allergy season. That's what they said last year. :confused: BF:hug::hug::hug:

took a 20 minute walk around the neighborhood, helped rake some leaves this afternoon.
Our yard waste pick up service have not been around the neighborhood for 3 weeks. The grass is dieing!
Wonder what is the problem???
Our neighbors have called several different offices to complain.
Tuesday is the day they are supposed to come....I am not holding my breath.
There is so much yard work to do.
It is overwhelming! http://assets3.sparkpeople.com/asset...ticons/e40.gif
Grateful for my friend who helped me today!
wonder what the week will bring?
I will go to the gym tomorrow, have not been since wednesday...I am still coughing so am taking it easy.
bizi

weighed 147.5 this am and today is day 60 for being alcohol free.
bizi

Bizi,

I hope that the yard wast stuff gets sorted out.

Congrats on 60 dyas! :heartthrob:
And Congrats also on your 147.5 pounds! :heartthrob:

Mari

thank you mari!
I could have never lost the weight had I still been drinking still.
Went to the gym last night. (Walked an hour, 3.5 miles) julie was there she has been going often. (She wants to lose weight and get into better shape she is getting married with in 6-12 months). So proud of her. She even talked her boy friend into joining. But he is weird. Did not want to give his bank account to them to automatically with draw the $10.80 a month from his account so she set it up for her account and he will pay her. He also quit college after his junior year because he felt like he could learn more on his own. He now bartends at the bar where Julie manages.
She wants to talk about nutrition...so we are meeting up next wednesday at 7 at a local coffee shop. Can I really look her into her face and tell her that we are supposed to eat 11 servings of fruits and vegggies a day? I only eat about 5 or six. Which I think is doing pretty good!
bizi

Bizi

You can always tell her what your supposed to eat. But also that for you it doesn't work. So when you eat 5 or 6 you are happy.
When it comes to her boyfriend, I personally understand the not wanting
to give information. My husband usually wont let a company do that. So
I've always had to be careful which groups I give my own information.

And lots of the time, i'd give mine and he gave me back the money.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Bizi,

That 11 looked too high so I researched:
It depends on your overall calories for the day.

The latest dietary guidelines call for five to thirteen servings of fruits and vegetables a day (2½ to 6½ cups per day), depending on one’s caloric intake. (1) For a person who needs 2,000 calories a day to maintain weight and health, this translates into nine servings, or 4½ cups per day (2 cups of fruit and 2½ cups of vegetables).

The Harvard School of Medicine has a good healthy eating plate that you can show her:
http://cdn1.sph.harvard.edu/wp-conte...HEPApr2013.jpg


http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritio...-eating-plate/
Most of these types of recommendations have people eating a lot of grains and carbs.
That is stupid. Most Americans are eating too many.
I rarely eat grains. I do eat lots of carbs in the beans, lentils, chic peas that I eat.

M