[waves]

I found myself in Wikipedia.

Third Culture Kid

Third culture kid (TCK) [later also Third culture individual - TCI] is a term used to refer to children who were raised in a culture outside of their parents’ culture for a significant part of their development years.

These are the parts that specifically apply to me:

Third Culture Kid - Identity

Identity

One of the challenges of being a third culture individual is developing a sense of belonging, commitment, and attachment to a culture. These factors play a strong role in one's self-esteem and identity, and are especially apparent as present or not present among TCIs.
...
Individuals who do not experience this same smooth transition into the new culture are referred to as "culturally rootless" and "cultural homelessness."
...
Subtractive identity shift: when individuals are not able to have a concrete identity and therefore self-esteem and perception of self-concept become threatened and are more likely to be negative upon the individual's return home.[<== gotta love how they talk about "home" when discussing cultural homelessness... ]
...
When individuals who have spent a significant amount of their developmental years in a host culture and have not been able to adapt, develop an identity, and do not feel as though they belong, they are considered "culturally homeless" [CH].
...
Some advantages include CH individuals recognize and respect the cultural differences within cultures, are often multilingual, and report themselves as cross-culturally competent. The disadvantages are a lack of a sense of belonging to any one culture or group, feeling alone in one's differences, and experiencing disorientation from frequent switching of cultures, norms, and homes. [...]they are unable to identify with a specific group.

Cultural homelessness has been found at times to be associated with low self-esteem, perceiving less control over one's own life, and an unsatisfactory level of experience with belonging and attachment.[20] The latter, belongingness and attachment, are both important for development and for feeling mentally healthy.

I am one of the ill-adjusted TCI's. Every now and then I go through feeling sucky about it. This is one of those times. The new thing was finding my situation so well described in Wikipedia. That was somewhat reassuring, and at the same time, really depressing.

I ask two things of anyone wishing to comment:

-- Please refrain from trying to cheer me up about this. I know there are bright sides. Please understand that looking on them is unhelpful.

-- Please do not tell me that "this too shall pass," unless you want me to 1) feel worse and 2) retort that everything passes when we die.

[bizi]

((((((HUGS)))))))
love bizi
we are here for you.

[EnglishDave]

Hi Waves,

I have nothing to offer but support and a little understanding. My negative self esteem and identity issues are directly related to a total lack of love and emotional support during my developmental years, though.

I did spend 1/3 of my first 12 years living in the abnormal fishbowls of small Military Camps abroad, even living off base for a while. At that time it was more integrated with the local community than today. Coming back to this Country after just about 4 years was a Culture Shock, even at that age, so Heaven knows what turmoil you are dealing with.

I simply hope you can reach some sort of peace within yourself.

Dave.

[Mari]

Hi, Waves.

That is crummy.


M

[waves]

Bizi, Dave, Mari,

Thank you for your support. It sure is crummy, and it is never not crummy. Most of the time, I barely think of it -- I mean I am used to it -- but it surfaces in the most subtle ways. I am perpetually having to "slough it off".

Hmmmm... no wonder I have trouble sloughing off other emotional things... My internal slougher offer is prolly kept busy handling this cultural stuff. There, I make joke about my big sad.

-----------
For those who don't really know my background, I'll summarize. I'd rather not be specific about locations, but it won't be necessary for the big picture.

To date, almost exactly 1/3 of my life has been spent in each of 3 different nations. I am a dual national too, but have always felt like a foreigner in both my countries of citizenship. The only place I neither felt nor was treated like a foreigner was in the US, where, ironically, my politcal status was "legal alien".

It seems I need to talk about this whole pile of crap. I will post more later, otherwise it will be overwhelming... possibly both for me and for you guys.

[waves]

Originally Posted by EnglishDave

Hi Waves,

I have nothing to offer but support and a little understanding. My negative self esteem and identity issues are directly related to a total lack of love and emotional support during my developmental years, though.

I did spend 1/3 of my first 12 years living in the abnormal fishbowls of small Military Camps abroad, even living off base for a while. At that time it was more integrated with the local community than today. Coming back to this Country after just about 4 years was a Culture Shock, even at that age, so Heaven knows what turmoil you are dealing with.

I simply hope you can reach some sort of peace within yourself.

Dave.

Dave,

The military household thing certainly does have similar issues to mine. That Wikipedia article even points out how military careers tend to produce TCK's.

There are some differences too. You had the issues of your father's safety, which I did not. You also had frequent moves to brand new places, while I only moved between familiar ones. On the other hand, I believe experienced a much deeper cultural split precisely because of the continued intimacy with both cultures.

But we both did experience that cultural split to some degree, and we both experienced the instability of our home moving or threatening to move. (We only moved back and forth twice, but I kept being told that a permanent "return" was imminent, or that I'd go to boarding school in England soon (didn't btw). Anyway point is I never felt we would stay put, even though we mostly did.)

[Mari]

Being a military brat is hard because we have no mooring beyond our designation.

The only place I neither felt nor was treated like a foreigner was in the US, where, ironically, my politcal status was "legal alien".

It seems I need to talk about this whole pile of crap. I will post more later, otherwise it will be overwhelming... possibly both for me and for you guys.

Belonging, but mostly not belonging.
I understand.
I think one has to find other ways to belong . .. .. maybe not to place, people, . . . .but to something else that is big enough to make the days work.

I could not respond much to your first post because I got very distracted (and I am already in a bad mood so forgive me) by the "we are all going to die sometime." That pretty much cuts off dialogue.

Besides, none of us here is friicking dying. We are living.
. . .living more or less as well as we can with what we are dealt, even as sucky as that is.

M

[mymorgy]

i don't know if this counts but i felt isolated most if not all of my life except for maybe the first two years. then my father got sick and we had to be good little girls since my father slept during the day. that was for a year. I had to take care of his needs and wasn't taught to take care of my own needs. then at five he started drinking heavily. I had to keep that secret from everyone besides taking care of him when he was drunk by often times having to speak to him on the phone and coax him home so we could pick him up from the office. then i would calm him down at home when my mother used to egg him on. I felt separate from all my classmates. then i went to a private school where there were hardly any Jews.
Most of the kids came from very wealthy backgrounds and were old Yankees.
boy did i feel out of place. I went to a temple where all the girls got dressed up except for me. I didn't identify with any of them. I finally told my big secret to a college roommate who thought i came from a great background where she didn't. My melancholy started when i was five. I used to take care of the kids across the street at five or six and felt comfortable taking care of them rather than playing with my peers.
bobby

[EnglishDave]

Hi waves,

I do believe your feelings of Cultural Split are more deep rooted and personal than those of a Military background. We tend to struggle with the loss of belonging to a geographic Location. I'm English, but am I a Tractorboy, a Yokel, a Southerner, an adoptive Yorkshireman (not yet after 25 years)? Everyone is FROM somewhere, it's one of the first questions asked of a new acquaintance. My answer has always been unsatisfactory and long-winded.

Being from nowhere leaves an empty, nagging hole inside. At least I can identify with my Culture, that has never changed. But as a kid, coming back to this Country - and being unceremoniously dumped at boarding school - I found I was far more aware of different Cultures than my peers, and most came from the Melting Pot that is London.

Do I suggest you do as I do with my childhood issues - bottle them up, let them seethe and simmer under the surface for a few more years until they burst forth again?

I do not have anything to offer that is practical.

Dave.

[waves]

Getting this over with first:

Originally Posted by Mari

I could not respond much to your first post because I got very distracted (and I am already in a bad mood so forgive me) by the "we are all going to die sometime." That pretty much cuts off dialogue.

Yep, it does. I thought of that when I typed the condition, and I almost refrained, but couldn't because I really am sick to death of hearing "this too shall pass". Those words hold no comfort for me whatsoever, hearing them angers me, and I have already heard them past my tolerance. The intended meaning holds no comfort, and instead serves only as an unnecessary reminder of a necessary end.

That said, I am sorry I upset you by preemptively going there. I inadvertently managed to do to you what I wished to avoid having done to me.