Mom stuff again/ still
 

I found this book:
The Emotionally Absent Mother: a guide to
self-healing and getting the love you missed

by Jasmin Lee Cori, Ms, LPC.

---

14 possible reasons Mother was not there:


She has gotten worse over the years.
I am not better at all despite counseling, hypnosis, self-help, . . . I might be getting worse and do not know how to fix myself.
I am angry, sad, and only barely functioning on some levels -- probably close to o.k. on other levels.

M

It is very hard to be sensitive!I am sorry your mother couldn't give you what you needed and what you need. I wonder if all her energy is in keeping herself together. she seems to function on a different planet.
bobby

HOw does one forgive their mother?????This is a must for self healing. If you wish to have a relationship with her, i guess it has to be on her terms.
bizi

Self-care
 

Bizi,

The self help books do not ask you to forgive your mother for the harm she has done to you.:mad:

They usually talk about things like this: :)
~ re-mothering yourself,
~ loving yourself,
~ good self-care,
~ embracing your own needs,
~ supporting the inner child,
~ being in touch with your body (body work, exercise, massage,
~ self-talk
~ accessing love through art, music, nature

Love Your Inner Child
http://www.healyourlife.com/love-your-inner-child
M

Bobby,

Yeah.
She barely manages even now.
My sis helps her to a degree.

M

Mari

You do not need to forgive your mother to re-mother yourself. Re-mothering is a long haul though, in and of itself.

Actually the re-mothering is what may eventually get you to the point of being able to forgive your mother. Right now, you may not even want to - and that's ok.

I think you teach me about re-mothering a lot, maybe without trying or meaning to. For instance, in asking me to be kind to myself or suggesting ways in which I might do that.

My mother was emotionally absent for me in many ways, growing up, so I have some similar things going on. My first psychiatrist recommended a similar book for me, along the lines of the one you are reading... same ideas anyway. The one I read I found drawn out and boring, but it was more theoretical/anecdotal, and less applied than what you are reading.

I think though that once one is aware of the general concept of re-mothering, and the need to do it, it is possible to do it without specific guidance.

One technique I use sometimes when I get really down on myself about something is to imagine how I'd feel about my child in this situation -- or even just any child, small child). Thinking in those terms I can perceive innocence in the child, and feel more benevolent than I would, thinking about myself. Then what I do is try and "plug in" the benevolent feelings towards myself. I actually try the feelings on as I would a piece of clothing.

great post
love
bobby

trying to be o.k.
 

Something is happening right now. Likely two or three or four things but I have no idea to tap into which of those is the actual problem or if the second or third is all part of the picture.

I am deeply sad. I am troubled too.

They might be un-related to the the mother issues.

I feel that I am close to crisis mode -- or at least need to gear up to veer away from heading into crisis mode.
============

I believe that they are something else.
One of those things I absolutely cannot talk about except to say that I am disturbed tremendously.
===
Possible help for myself right now is to try to get to the gym because that seems to be helping me.
It also helps to be in the same place as other people who seem to be functioning even though I do not interact (the same as most people in the gym -- they are usually focused on the work out unless they run into a buddy or two or are meeting up with someone/have come with someone.

The sauna too maybe.
Old tdoc liked the sauna because she said sweating helped release emotions the in a similar way that crying does.
My acupuncturist of three or four years used to say the same thing.

M

Maybe I am supposed to forgive myself.


M

yes Mari, of course that is true!
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi
sorry it is so hard right now.
I hope you get to the gym, floating might be good right now????
bizi:hug::hug::hug:

My evening
 

10 mins of arm bike for warm up and longer if I do cardio -- arms only
Mine is a little bit like this. www.sideofsneakers.com/arm-adventures/Triceps Extension
No action on the bottom. Top can be adjusted for resistance. I try to work on speed and form.

50 mins upper body doing progressive resistance, for example:
Chest press, Lat pull down, Seated row, Triceps push-downs, delts, . . and two more or so
The last 8 mins are very very light knees/ lowerbody
Stretching.
------

18 mins of sauna

------

Next I went looking for any comedy at the closest theater.
It was packed with children and their parents.
Got there too late for all of the multiple sold out showings of Ant Man
I saw a few mins of Minons -- highly touted and yet so bad as to be intolerable
I watched about 40-50 mins of Ted II. It stunk a lot but I was willing to listen to how Mark Walberg's Boston accent has morphed since his younger years.
It seems fake this time around even though he is a local who grew up in the parts of town from whence came the Boston accent as the rest of us know it. 'Still fun to look at the guy.
------
On the way home I stopped for protein bars and 4 Klondike bars at cvs (Don't judge me!!!!!)
That was all I ate for the day.


I am relaxed and hope to head to bad.

--
Pdoc appointment at either 2:05 or 3:05 -- not sure which.
I will get there whenever I feel like it.

great gym work out and .....
I love klondike bars!!!!!!

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

Glad you made it to the gym. I also love Klondike bars. :)

I hope the pdoc appt was helpful or at least ok.

:hug::hug::hug:

I showed up to the pdoc's on the wrong day even though within the last two days I twice talked to the office people by phone re confirming.

I need to find a place that is better run.
This place would make a happy person depressed.


M

mood
 

The sauna Monday might have helped me relax.
Tuesday I was in better spirits than I had been for the week before.

M

I had to look up Klondike Bar. ;) Their website is neat. They have a blizzard sound playing on it. They sure do look yummy.

Mari, that's terrible that it ended up being the wrong day.
My daughter's doctor and psychologist send a msg on the phone and she just needs to msg reply back. Saves having to use the phone at all too and it's never failed (so far).

Very good to read that you've had a better day. Well done!

Yes.

They called me the day before -- woke me up when I was sleeping with my earbuds and iPod -- I did not properly hear the day or the time . . thought it was the next day.
The day that I thought was the appt, I called to confirm the "the time."
The person on the phone confirmed the time but did not mention day.


Yes. My dentist's office people email and text. She makes sure we come in.

M

So frustrated and DISAPPOINTED AND VERY SAD
 

I went to the pdoc appt. on time.

They told me he is not covered under my mental health plan.:eek:
I will be billed and have to pay for those three visits with him out of pocket.


They gave me an appt with someone else at the same time Friday/tomorrow.

I need to get some sleep soon.http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-sad004.gif These appts are during my sleep times.:(:(:(

M

I hate insurances.....
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Yeah, Bizi.
Complicated and expensive.

M

Hoping your new doctor has better staff for helping you.

I would talk to them about sending a message.

Donna :grouphug::hug:

Gosh! :mad: Only now they figure that out? Hmphh.

I am sorry, Mari. I know how that is. Good luck with the one tomorrow. Sigh. :(

Distraught
 

A. The appt with the nurse practitioner went poorly.
She got frustrated and pisy with me.

B. They have no one (even if I want to see the Nurse Practitioner again) who can see me.
These things are the issues:

I need someone with the right insurance, who comes in on a Tuesday or Thursday, and is willing to write scripts for Klonopin.


M

GRrrr. Sorry. :(

And you know, it's not as though you're asking for the sun to rise twice every day. Simply getting your meds prescribed should not have to be this hard.

1) I REALLY NEEDED SLEEP & 2) THeir system is uncomforable
 

WAVES,

The 100 mins ordeal was horrible and I honestly do not know how I will recover. My life is changed now.

The iPAD girl eventually gets me from the waiting room and asks me about my meds AS SHE IS LOOKING AT THE MEDS FROM THE VISIT TWO MONTHS AGO.
Every visit they ask me to tell them about my meds. All of those records are on the iPADS but they need me to say what is on the record.
(I never think to bring the meds because I certainly cannot remember the doses at this point (the pdoc's changes about taking some of the meds in the a.m. and about increasing the Klonpin, my modifications such as the Lamictal which I did not mention).
Then she is having a bigger problem with the program on the iPad.

She asks me for my dx. She says it is a depressive disorder. I was dx'd BP in 1988 in my very first psych visit.
I told her that in 1988 the pdocs I saw did not pay attention to the types of BP.
Then I told her that another pdoc said I was BP NOS. She was satisfied with the NOS

Apparently they re-diagnose me each visit -- the pdoc or nurse makes the determination based on how I respond to the iPad girls.

She keeps asking about the amount and the times of day.
I say that I take them all at night (the timing became an issue for the Nurse later.)


It was toooooo hard to answer questions like how much lamictal do you take in the morning and I see that you are taking whatever amount of nuerontin.
I kept telling her I did not know but that what she was saying did not sound right. I ask her to repeat, . . .
This goes on for a while . . . . . . .
I said that I would bring the bottles with me next time but I did not have the doses in my head. I know that I take four meds.

The iPAD girl said we don't do the Verapamil. I politely, VERY quietly, smiling and with slow words said yes the Verapamil is a bipolar med.

===========
I was at the edge of breaking when I saw the Nurse.
I was a wreck.

I was not happy when she initially said "no" to the Verapamil.

I do everything I can to avoid talking about sleep with the Nurse.
I was unsuccessful.

She made a vague/mostly unworded comment about my state.
Also she was not happy I was taking all the meds at night.
She got frustrated. Asked if I had been hospitalized.
Yes, I said, in 1992 with Bipolar.
Commented on the low dose (50 mgs Lamicatal -- I said side effects such as paresthesia and formication.

I interrupted her to get up to find some tissues down the hall because I was crying and mascara was running.
Crying, I told her that this is very hard. That it was my third day in the office.
Third day in the office I said and repeated a few more times.

====
Nearly everyone -- 1st office person, IPAD girl, 2nd office person wants to talk about how I am getting my meds. I said that I do not want them delivered anymore since my address is incorrect in the system and the Drivers call me and make three trips for four meds.

Then we have a discussion (separately with each of the three) about which CVS pharmacy because the stores are three miles apart and it would matter which one I go to.
Three people ask me for the CVS address. I do not have it I say about 6 times to each of the three. . . . . .

I am clearly anxious and sleep deprived and quietly crying.

--
Then at the desk they could not find any pdoc in the practice who could see me.


M

WTF those people are screaming idiots! :mad::(

I am so sorry you got put through that.

Idiots!

:hug::hug::hug::heartthrob:

I have requested that this thread be closed.

Thank you.

After the
*so sorry but have to edit as per guidelines*

I am taking a break from here.
I am fragile / unnerved and cannot bear to read of these things anywhere.


M