Mother's Day is HARD. I'm so glad that you made out okay (((HUGS)))

As far as the stupid, "I'd die if my mother died" comments are concerned, people are just f'ing stupid, but I bet that they said that because it appeared/appears to them that you are holding things together better than they think they would :hug::hug::hug:

You should definitely go to the concert. You seem to really want to go, and I think you will regret it if you don't (((HUGS)))

If possible, you should consider taking a Xanax for your social anxiety and the anxiety you are having about going without your mother.
This will/would be a very personal trip for you. Cry if you need to. Pretend you're alone (or with your mom) if you have to, and anyone else around can f- off :hug::hug::hug:

I will be thinking of you, and praying that you find the strength to go (((HUGS)))

Thank you Kay :)

The band will take a picture with the first 300 fans that buy the album TOMORROW :o I dont know if Im gonna arrive on time as I live at the other side of the city and there is people sleeping in the street already :o

Oh well... much prayers needed...

I feel SO weak emotionally now...

Thank you

Majo

Enjoy the concert Blue!!!! BF:hug::hug::hug:

What is the name of the band and what kind of music do they play?
Just because they are sleeping in the street doesn't mean

they will all buy the album.
bizi
enjoy the concert!

I hope you have a great time tonight! :):):)
I will be thinking of you! :hug::hug::hug:

Hi Blue. Sometimes emptiness and disappointment can follow an event that we were looking forward to. I hope that this didn't happen to you.

Are you doing okay Blue? BF ((Hugs)) :hug::hug::hug:

Thank you very much for thinking about me dear friends :hug:

I did it.... Still dont know how, because if I had to do it again, I would probably feel the same the days before.... I missed my mom but, in the good way... not in the anxious ultra sad way I thought I would...
My main concern was being alone, and, around people I thought were going to be so rude with me but, no, it was the opposite :eek: People were kinda friendly and help me a lot :)

Everything happened like, very quickly.... I still havent processed everything I guess....

Im feeling so down and depressed since yesterday... like, "and now what ? a concert.... yeah and now ?" I dont know... does that happen to you too ? Like, after days of feeling so happy or fine, you suddenly feel super down ? I have the hypothesis that my brain tries to come back to its basal level but it exaggerates and go lower that wanted !? :rolleyes:

Anyway.... Im back on feeling unloved, alone and insecure :confused:

share some memories of her with us here if you are up to it.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I think that the fallout you are experiencing is what BF was afraid you may experience :hug::hug::hug:

I'm so happy that you went to the concert! And I'm proud of you for finding the strength to go! :):):)

It's not an uncommon to feel let down after something that you really look forward to, or build up in your mind, even if you have a wonderful experience. I think that the best way to combat these feelings that you are having is to try to make some kind of plans so that you can have other things to look forward to in the future... even if it's only a trip out to the mall, or a nice lunch out. Or you could otherwise try to fill the emptiness with other things such as reading or binge-watching your favorite shows (((HUGS)))

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down :hug::hug::hug:
How are things going with your meds? Do you feel like they are helping at all?

I am sorry for your depression....
Do you take an antidepressant?
When do you see your therapist again?
Do they help you?
((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Oh I forgot to tell you who I went to see... The band is called "Interpol" :cool: They play "indie rock".

Somehow I managed to silence my brain and its intrusive thoughts which always led me to depression and anxiety.... :rolleyes: I just eat, turn the TV on and... cried A LOT but, felt better since Friday.... Im still triggered easily but oh well....

Im on a break from my therapist.... Im suppose to practice what she taught me.... and, I have to tell Im better managing my crisis now but, still.... :rolleyes: some days are impossible...
EXAMPLE: today my father moved and touched all my mom stuff when trying to "clean" the house... he cant do anything correctly... he is useless.... why does he keep trying to do something for the house ?
I know you may think Im a cruel person, and I mean, maybe I am, but I HATE to live with him... I have him, at MY house just because of.... shame ? compassion !? He did terrible things to my mom when I was 3 my grandma had recently died.... such an a**h*le.... I cant forgive him... I think even my mom forgave him, I CANT. I promise I CANT. I find annoying every thing he does... I know he is my father but... well, he had more children with another woman and I keep thinking "Go live with them and leave me alone !!" you know.... Trust me, I wish I could forgive... I want to .... I CANT. :(

Also, I have been so down thinking Im becoming old.... I dont think I will be able to have children and a family you know... :(

Argh, my life is still s*ck^ng these days.... :( Im tired.... depressed.... MAD.

*sigh*

I also suffer from intrusive thoughts, Blue. I'm sorry you have to deal with them, too. I try to realize they are not "real" thoughts, then I try not to fight them, and just let them pass (((HUGS)))

It's okay not to have a therapist, but it's also okay to go back when you feel like you need to. I don't know that I'll ever go back. My last one was super-sweet, but so clueless it was frustrating, and every appointment left me agitated.
You never answered our questions about the meds tho. Are you taking any right now?

It's hard to forgive. You don't owe anybody anything.
It's very charitable of you to let your father live with you, but is there any way to get rid of him? It seems like him being there is making you f'ing miserable (((HUGS)))

As far as being old... I'm 38, and if I remember correctly, you are a few years younger than me. You're not a spinster yet :hug::hug::hug:

Blue I have intrusive thoughts also sometimes. They are hard to deal with. Try to live one day at a time. When the light of the day comes tomorrow morning, then the day will start to unfold, and make tiny steps into it. BF:hug::hug::hug:

That was beautiful BF

How are you today blue?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Blue
I'm reading, but can't post much right now. I've got a broken elbow.
I'll post when I can. Thinking of you.

donna :hug::grouphug:

Blue Are you doing okay? We are all thinking about you. I hope that you have a better week. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Kay :hug: :hug:
I have been so down I couldnt even turn on the computer....
I take prozac.... and xanax during ultra hard episodes....
I just took my prozac and Im feeling soooo sleepy... meds act very weird on me... always have, always will.... that's why I cant take more stuff on a daily basis.... everythig would give me stomach problems and, hallucinations :rolleyes:

I feel so lonely.... I will never be happy again without mom.... :(

Oh dear Donna !!!
Ouch ! hope you are healing quickly ? :hug:

Annnnnnnnnnnd Im so down.... Im so done with my job, with my family, with my life....

Do you know how I feel ? I feel like Im a "joker", a "wildcard".... like, my co workers, my family members, my "friends" may enjoy my company, some of my comments, BUT, if Im not present, that is ok too, probably even better.... and that hurts me deeply...

I see all those guys, smiling to girls.... I have never been in love.... no one ever has picked me to be "the special" one you know....

I see old those ladies, around 55 years old, walking with their moms and children.... Im 36 and my mom is already dead.

I see all those kids in the streets.... I will probably never have kids as I cant even find a partner !!!

:(

Im disgusting.... condemned to be lonely and ignored for the rest of my life.

Im suicidal. DO NOT WORRY. I would never do it because.... what is I have to live all this again as punishment ? Im not gonna do anything but yeah.... Im so done.

I think about you often and your simple existence makes me wanna cry of nostalgia.

Majo

hi blue,
am so sorry you are so down.....You are grieving the loss of your mom. That is what this is all about.
grief is weird....it will hit you in waves.
I am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing.
I can't tell you when it will get better, but I hope for your sake it is gentle on you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm so sorry, Blue. If I could do anything to help you, I would.


I'm hoping you feel better at some point.



:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Thank you Bizi, thank you Mari... I mean, thank you everyone... deeply.

I have been having severe episodes of fury... like, I broke the refrigerator with my hand the other day 🙄 and the washer and yeah... I have strong bones I can tell... have you ever experienced anything like that ? HUGE crisis of anger !? And, if so, has anything (meds or non meds) helped you ?

Majo

I really think you need to see a pysch doctor and tell them about your anger explosions. There may be some meds to help you.
Also, do you have a therapist?
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Yeah, I have a psych doc and will tell him, just wanted to check if someone here had any experience with any meds or anything before swallowing what he will give hehe.

Never mind, psych docs know better I guess.

And I just recently left my therapist as she wasn’t helping any more... I guess Im too scientific to fully believe in therapy LOL.

Good night !

"Do you know how I feel ? I feel like Im a "joker", a "wildcard".... like, my co workers, my family members, my "friends" may enjoy my company, some of my comments, BUT, if Im not present, that is ok too, probably even better.... and that hurts me deeply..."

I hear what you are saying, and I can definitely relate. I think that you have more contact with other people than I do though. I have been through a lot, a lot recently, and I feel like my family has abandoned me. I am deeply hurt as well. I have to initiate contact with them, and it always seems generic.

I have had a lot of side effects with medications. I haven't had hallucinations (associated with meds but I have when I've been manic), but I know that they can be a side effect of some, and that must be scary (((HUGS)))
That would make me hesitant to try new meds, but it sounds like the Prozac isn't working well enough for you, and you need better med management. I can understand why you don't want to make a change tho :hug:

You are grieving for your mother, but it sounds like you are also dissatisfied with other aspects of your life as well, and I think that things are coming to a head, and that's probably where all this anger is coming from (((HUGS)))
You need a healthier outlet for your anger. IDK if it's possible for you to workout. I know that's what some people do for that reason. Maybe others on the forum can chime in with other ideas...

I wish things were better for you... I hope that things start getting better soon :hug::hug::hug:

We have kick boxing here!
bizi

Um, I'm going to take a stab at the anger.

And say, yes I've seen it kind of first hand. My oldest in his youth through
now. Has always had it. Any thing could get in the way. In his case
it was called intermittent explosive disorder. But he would just explode.
And I'm going to say lash out at whatever was the closest . It could
be a wall to punch, a brother to take a reclining like chair and leave
a whole in a wall because he thought he said something he didn't.

Just pulling a phone his mom was holding out of a wall because he didn't want her to talk to the person he knew she was talking to. Many more.

In his case, the medicine that works is depakote, but there are honestly
others that I have heard that others use.

I am not saying this is the same thing you are experiencing. But when
I first heard of it, I had just learned that Derrick had epilepsy and being the
mom I am had read every thing I could on epilepsy, and had read about
rage seizures. And I had first thought that Dan had rage seizures. Which
was then diagnosed with the intermittent explosive disorder. He was
just 16 years old, and his psychiatrist at the residential placement he was
in right then, which is another story. Told me she couldn't diagnose children with bipolar, that was what I had asked if she thought he had. But she could treat for what she thought he might have and it would treat both. Just in case after a while it was determined he did.
Which know he is diagnosed with both.

Donna:hug::grouphug:

be careful of depakote. I gained almost seven pounds in a few weeks and I was always exhausted and slept so much. i am bipolar II with depression and anxiety so it was probably the wrong medication for me

Aw my dear Kay :hug:
Sorry that you can relate to my feelings towards my family and people in general... it certainly hurts a lot.... :( :hug: I feel like Im not special or important to any one.... and that makes me so depressed....

Working out.... I can walk.... but if I work out properly, like, heavy training in a gym I get.... intoxicated !!! :D :rolleyes: It is true.... Im allergic to exercise ! I get full of hives and get swollen lips and eyes haha. It is funny but it is a mess at them same time... Doc explained me I produce to much histamine, who is in charge during allergic reactions :rolleyes: Oh well.

Im weird as that LOL

Thank you so much for all this Donna :hug:

I just explode indeed :eek: and, lash out anything I find around.... yes.... I mean, I know it can be such a problem.... that's why Im gonna tell my doc just in case he decides to medicate me for it....

Thank you :hug:

Thanks.... I will have to check on that.... Im an expert when it comes to gaining weight due to meds / water retention.... :rolleyes:

I did not gain any weight on Depakote, but I experienced major side effects.

I'm so sorry you don't feel important to anyone. Please remember that you are important to us, and we are always here for you (((HUGS)))

It sounds like you may have exercise-induced asthma, too. We need to come up with another outlet for your anger...
I'm very glad that you will be talking to your pdoc about it (((HUGS)))

Dan doesn't gain weight on depakote either. So its good.

It is just different people and different drugs.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Blue. I'm sorry that you have been feeling these feelings. I haven't done much computer stuff because I've been in the hospital for around a week and a half.

I hope that you are feeling better tonight. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Friend

I'm sorry to hear you've been in the hospital.

Majo, Hope your doing well.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Thank you dear friends !!!

I guess I have to get used to my miserable life because doc said no more medicine for me.
Im kinda glad, I mean, I cant afford many meds, I hate side effects and, yeah, I came back with a bunch of therapy books and exercises :rolleyes:

I have so much stress in my life.

Tomorrow would have been mom's birthday so, I... in a bad mood to say the least.

Love for all

Majo

Blue You need to get another doctor as soon as possible. After talking to you over the years I find you to be a good person. You and the rest of us need to have good doctors.

That doctor failed you. You deserve better.

I'm sorry about your mother. I believe that she would want you to carry on. She'd want you to be strong. Be strong. We all care about you. BF:hug::hug::hug:

So glad to read you dear friend :hug: Wishing you a speedy recovery.

I have been thinking a lot (probably overthinking) about doctors failing me... I dont think only my doctor failed me... all of them, medicine, science in general have failed me.... maybe it was society when since I was a kid, made me misunderstand that medicine and doctors can save me, can cure me....

I have dedicated 18 years of my life studying medical stuff.... and the conclusion is, we dont cure anything, anybody... we make things less miserable, but once that something "breaks" or stop working, no science, no doctor, no medicine can repair at 100%.... Science has failed us when every single pill we take has (sometimes) horrible side effects and we have to put in a balance benefits vs side effects....

I guess my country, my family, myself dont have the culture to take a pill for everything... immediately.... so, I have to agree with doc this time... I dont need more meds in my life to solve (or try to solve without success) problems that come due to my soul problems, to feelings.... I am angry becase life in general has failed me.... I explode in anger because I feel God stole me my mom, I feel robbed.... Im tired of the people around me doing comments like "oh, so sorry, I dont know what I would do without my mom", THAT is exactly the problem, that I do not know what to do without my mom either and Im way younger than the people telling me that, so yeah, life is unfair or that is the feeling I have and there is no pill (or their side effects are not worth it) that can keep me with the thoughts and feelings Im having....

Sadly therapy has failed me too so far, but I will keep trying to stop suffering...

Ugh, I hate to post ultra long posts, but I have been rambling so much and just... spilled everything here I guess LMAO.

Take care you all ! :grouphug:

You are strong blue, never forget that.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi