[bizi]

Originally Posted by mymorgy

can you type a letter to your husband and flatter him and tell him how much you love him and how he has so many wonderful qualities but he is in the dark about suffering from mental illness. Can you tell him it is a real feat to find some happiness in doing something and he should be happy for you. He has no idea of
depression and of mental illnesses bipolar has the most suicides.
fondly
bobby

You are right on the spot bobby!!!!!!
Gee, really read this and get a planner that will use to write down your schedule. so you can show it to him.
And, You can draw up a contract with him....I think this is abuse and I would not stand up for that.
and you shouldn't either.
Even though you are new to our family you fit right in.
love you too.
bizi

[GeeLuv]

by the time i actually get here to the PC, I'm too exhausted to remember what i wanted to say. ugh! (just write out another response...ok, I'm back! :P )

Soo...well I did read the comments here this morning, but unfortunately I didn't have time to implement them. Things move fast here. After I read the messages, I just sat in my bed and started crying. i usually don't do this when hubby's home, but he's not going anywhere soon so I just went for it. I actually cried tears. That was the good part. Then, what I thought could be another good part was hubby asking me what's wrong in a gentle tone and worried that i was struggling to sleep because he kept me up all night with his tossing and turning (which he did), but I just couldn't respond. I was too angry and didn't want to get in a fight while I was too tired to think straight and so emotional...but of course he pressed. When I still didn't answer is when his tone changed and he said "are you just going to ruin my weekend then?". What an ***! So I finally said "I'm angry at you, but i don't wanna talk about it while I'm all emotional". He pressed with something else and I felt I needed to be a little more clear so he knew what exactly I was mad about (oh, i think he thought i was mad about something else). So I told him it was about the internet thing. He basically turned it around on me and brought up the other day when I burnt food whilst on the computer. I said "that's just one little tiny blip!" (and tried to get out that he does this criticism all the time). "and it was not the internet distracting me, it was my eating chicken". I should apologize for the mistake of trying to cook while I was eating and resting...but he's so damn arrogant ...and it's again, turning the table of fault on me, when this issue is him! Oh, and he had the audacity to say that the issue of the internet addiction was my issue. Like, why am I mad at him if I have the problem with control. omfg! ...i can't...i mean, is there anything else relevant to this story??? fact is, it's just upsetting me more talking about it. I was originally going to simply post that there are so many things I could say (like this f'n casserole I now have to make, because he couldn't read the f'n label on the can and blamed me for placing it next to the tomato soup. omfg! where the hell else am I supposed to put a can...cans all go together, right? use your damn eyes and stop f'n blaming me for YOUR mistakes...and then causing me extra work/stress and...and on and on and on).

I hear you guys and I appreciate you trying to help, and I'd be willing to try some things, but my history of trying things hasn't really been good because he's just so damn stubborn! Sad fact is, this is a better living environment that when I was living with my Dad (although they are getting more and more similiar),...but I have no skills or experience...I couldn't live on my own if I wanted to! And I don't want to. We do have our good times...the worst part is the romantic life. He gets me so emotionally upset that I can't get into the mood when we actually have the time to be intimate. So here I am left frustrated in another regard...and of course it's always my fault. "YOUR moods! YOUR periods! YOUR stomachaches". Does he EVER take responsibility for his part? He claims he does and that he admits when he's wrong. There have been a few times I've seen this, but it's very far and few between.

I was going to try to take an internet break today and tomorrow, but clearly I need someone to hear me right now. I'm so bleh! But I have cut back. I'm thinking of not going on another forum today (of course I feel guilty about not talking to someone there who's kinda desparate for a friend at the moment), and I'm here on my "lunch break". Is this what it's coming to?? I have to come here on my "lunch break" as if this is an actual f'n job?! Thing is, and of course my hubby will never recognize this, a wife's job doesn't end at 5pm or closing time. It still goes on even through the night in some cases. I'm just so tired :/

But I do want to say that I feel so touched to be considered part of the family/that I belong here. I don't know if anyone's ever really said that to me, explicitly,...maybe with the exception of me kinda pushing for that, but not like this out of the blue statement you made, Bizi (with others' thoughts behind it I assume). I just feel so special. I wish that we knew each other in real life or that I didn't have this fear that I might get cut from the internet, for whatever reason, and not see you guys again or for awhile...I really don't believe it will go that far, but if hubby starts acting more like my dad, he might just shut off the internet one day. (dad used to do this with electricity). I mean, comeon! How damn immature is that?! ...alright, alright. I am calming down now. Don't want to get into **** again. Just trying to get by and do the best I can, take deep breathes, I got outside for a minute (fresh air), and taking full advantage of hubby being away at the store right now. So yeah. *exhales It's hard, but it's gotta get better, right?! It has to-that's all that's getting me by...and of course the support from all of my friends like you guys.

So many hugs!!!! <3

[mymorgy]

you are so special!
fondly
bobby

[GeeLuv]

Ok, guess I just gotta do this and share what I wrote to another friend just now who's going through this exact same stuff. I cut out the intro where I told her I'm glad not to be alone, but I'm also sad that she's going through this too because it sucks! oh, and add 40 m8nutes and counting to my internet time.


I'm so tired of the stress. I just baked cookies and made a green bean casserole from scratch (well I cut and boiled the beans). 90minutes And that was after mopping and doing dishes AND preparing meat for dinner (at least 2+ hours there) before that! (Well, i had my mini break for lunch in between) But So I just want a little rest. Hubby says, "fine! Don't cook! I don't care. Just don't talk (complain or ask favors)" Rather than having a little sympathy for me, he gets whiney like that because he's "hungry". "Make it yourself then!" I said. He taught me how to do it afterall, and it's not that f'n hard. But he'd rather pout. Whatever! Like I said, I'm tired! And I'll probably end up doing it soon enough anyway cuz then I'll be hungry. He's such a baby sometimes!

I was actually gonna say I'm too tired to write much, but I guess that ain't too much and that little bit says a lot. I didn't even get to the part where I tell you that I've hardly been online all day, maybe 40 or 50 minutes tops. He's going on his third hour of the day, just saying. But yeah, I might not even get to the forums today. I can't decide. I wanted to take a weekend break and shut him up saying, see! I'm not addicted! ...i even started some writing today, but on paper when I'd rather type to save time both with word counting and cause it's faster...so I might either do that tonight or stop by the forum (MHF is really the one I'm mostly using these days as I've already cut back on so much internet use) and that is usually pretty quite about now so, could be good. Heh! I might actually copy and post most of this message and put it in my journal!...but I've already got one outlet for this, in addition to you, and I'm not sure I'm really up for stirring up more drama around this...but at the same time, they are my friends too. I dunno. Will think on it.

I wish we could do counseling and he'd go without a fight. I have to likely wait until Monday or even Tuesday to hear back from my doc. Plus, it would suck if he just says, yea go for it and I'm still stuck with having to tell my hubby. :/ Maybe it's best I not think of it until then...then again, someone might just have some good advice for me.

[Waking Light]

G, I'm so sorry. I feel sad about the way things are. It's painful. I understand. And especially because, like has been said, you are so special, so it hurts even more. I said a prayer about it. I hope that's ok. Lots of hugs & love to you!!

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Waking Light

G, I'm so sorry. I feel sad about the way things are. It's painful. I understand. And especially because, like has been said, you are so special, so it hurts even more. I said a prayer about it. I hope that's ok. Lots of hugs & love to you!!

Thank you for saying this and welcome to the forums!
(((((HUGS))))
bizi


Gee, I will read your posts today later this evening..I have to go fold 2 baskets full of laundry!
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[bizi]

I read your blog/post/ journal. thread....

I am very tired, did not sleep much last night maybe 5 hours.
Are you and your hubby keeping track of your phone and computer usage?

I talk less about my addictions because they are not bothering me at this moment.
no alcohol in over a month, don't even think about it or miss it.

all my fingers look great, no picking taking NAC Amino acids 1200mg 2xdaily.
Lost over 5 pounds in 2 weeks. messed up dinner tonight, over ate.
internet seems to be my problem too.


Be strong use an egg timer. I go here out of procrastination and boredom.


I need to start cleaning my kitchen.
The floors are disgusting!
I am very tired.

tomorrow; I will make some lists of things that need to get done/cleaned around the house.

I can't believe I let the house get this bad!
Shakes head in shame!


bizi.

[GeeLuv]

So I probably didn't do the most mature thing, but here's what just transpired. Hubby did ask if I wanted to do stuff now, to which I responded, "do you think you deserve it? I mean, you've been acting pretty mean to me lately" to which he replied something like "oh stop being dramatic! Anyway, what's the problem? You were fine until a couple yesterday! Probably something the doctor said". I told him no. That it was him (once again, repeating myself here). Somehow I got to this statement, "I made you cookies and casserole, what are you gonna do for me?" To which he just huffed and said "fine. Nevermind. Just leave me alone tonight".

I just don't know what to do! I mean, like I said, maybe I'm being childish too...it's just so hard to talk to him rationally....but now what happens when I get desperate for you know what?? It's just a whole mess! :/

----------

Ok, now I will read and respond to Bizi

Well, I'm keeping track. He likely can't be bothered to track so specifically.
I was doing fine with picking until right before coming here. They don't necessarily look bad, although that's just one opinion, but there are jagged edges and a couple raw cuticles. I hope this isn't triggering.

I'm coming online out of boredom too...and obviously for journaling and support and chatting with a few folks....and I was on earlier looking at videos...i have the time to workout tonight, but I'm not feeling that great and honestly feel like snoozing for a bit. Thought about writing in my notebook, but I think now my fingers are too sore! Oops!
I'm tempted to check my email again to see if my friends wrote back, but they hadn't last I checked and I think, if anything, this checking would be the addictive or compulsive part. So I'm here instead, but I'm thinking I'm gonna lie down...but I also even thought of going back on PC because I'm THAT bored, but I told my friend that I'm going off there indefinitely now, so it would look bad if I went. Plus, I should rest from internet that's not productive.

[GeeLuv]

It's been 3hours and counting of online time for me today (hubby is at about 1hr and 45 minutes). This is relatively good. I'm down from the 3hours in the morning to 3 hrs a day (ok, not quite that drastic, but my guesstimate is a total of 7.5 to 8hrs to now which is maybe 5 hours tops.)

But hubby biggest issue is that I'm online while cooking. It's torture, but I stayed off today.

Had set up an appointment for the three of us, hubby, me and doctor, but Hubby refuses to go and talk about my issue with him. Sigh! So I suggested that maybe I need to do individual therapy to cope, if I'm apparently the one with the problem. I don't know if he heard me though.

Ugh! My stomach aches! I think it's pms. Sucks!

Oh, I got to facechat with my sister and nephew. It was so fun. I love that little guy and sis ain't too bad either. Ha! I love her of course! We joke around though because she's "Dad's favorite" :P We actually made plans to do it again soon, tomorrow even, because nephew wanted to. So sweet! We hardly get to see him and sis has taught him well to love us strangers anyway. It feel so great to have a child actually love you being around!

[Waking Light]

I'm so glad you had a nice time with your nephew & sis.