Well, one thing was last night when Doug kept inciting my anger at a trouble maker nieghbor who I had it out with once before. The madder I got the more Doug fuled the fire until last night I confronted her and the police ended up being called. I was the one to call the cops as this woman called me a very bad name and drew her hand back at me to hit me. When Doug called me back to his apartment he told me to come in so we could get the story straight. If he was telling me the truth about what he said the neighbor was saying about me behind my back he would not have to get his story straight. Then yesterday or the day before I had asked for one of my music CDs he had of mine. He looked in his CD player and said it wasn't there and he didn't know what had happened to it. Today when I went over there to give him a phone message my CD was playing on his stereo and he lied about that. I had started to say no to him this week since he was doing so well and gradually he's been acting crappy.

befuddled2

Oh this sounds dreadful....
I wish you had nicer neighbors.
((((hugs))))
bizi

I really feel like such a fool.

befuddled2

((((((Barbara-Barbara-Barbara)))))),



I think that Doug came into your life for a lot of reasons. To show you the 'possibilities'. But, maybe also to disconnect that tripwire of yours

Picture this -- OK?? Say that you are given 100 pieces of life-force to spend any way that you want to. When you spend them all, your time is up here. Do you really want to spend 10 or 15 or 20 pieces of life-force on this b+itch?? You already know you don't like her. Why would you waste any part of your life having anything at all to do with her??

I don't know if I've mentioned this before: there are going to be times that Doug is going to try to push you away. Now that you two have become closer, it wouldn't surprise me at that he would want to try to avoid hurting you. His dying is going to hurt like hell. If he pushes you away and you're not around when he dies, he might think, in his twisted male logic, that you won't be hurt?? Between my family and my work as a home health aide, I've been around a lot of people when they're nearing the end, I've seen a lot of them do this -- push people away. It's also part of the process. If they're still connected to everyone and to everything in this realm, it would be absolutely impossible for them to leave without feeling excruciating heartache.

The CD -- instead of feeling like Mount Saint Helen's about to erupt again -- could you have walked in this morning and heard the CD playing and said something like "Oh, you found my CD!! Did you want to keep it for awhile longer?? I was hoping to listen to it this afternoon." No judgment. No anger. No creating little scenarios in your head about how horrible everyone is treating you. Simple statements of fact and desire.

I know how hard you're working, Barbara. I'll just bet you're exhausted and tired and scared and lonely and unsure of yourself. Maybe you forget how recent the steps toward you growing into your own life have been -- I don't. You've done a fantastic job in starting a new life away from a man that didn't deserve you. You've gotten all wound up in taking care of Doug -- which some might say was mistake because you're still dealing with the issues of your divorce. I truly think, though, Barbara, that Doug is an angel here to help you along on your journey. He might not be wearing the pretty pink tutu and and the fancy gold tiara; but, I think you've grown immensely in the time since he came into your life.

Honey, try to lose the tripwire for awhile or put it away in a drawer somewhere and see how much BETTER 'things' are when you don't react with that instinct that was actually created under other circumstances. That 'quick, sharp instinct' was honed by your husband, probably by other relatives of yours, and probably by your parents. Try to put that split-second instinct away for awhile and see how wonderful things are when you react to what is really happening NOW.

Bless you, sugar. BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

I agree with Barb

And I couldn't have said it better.

Donna

Hi all,

I don't understand too much of what was said. I believe there as been a mis-communication though. I have not gotten mad with Doug about the music CD or anything else to his face. I saved letting off steam for here. I have been actually so physically and emotionally exhausted for so long that Saturday being the 1st real day to myself was very restful after 2 naps and then I got a lot of much needed houswork done. Cyber space does tend to cause mis-communications at times and even in 3-D also. That is why I don't undertand everything. I know how great it feels to have a clean house this morning for a change. I too believe that everyone in our lives has a purpose and Doug's purpose and my purpose may no longer need fulfilling to the extent of the time and energy that has been spent previously. I also haven't viewed Doug as anything but a friend in a quite awhile. It seemed the more I did for Doug the more demands he wanted. Like, he'd ask if I could rub his back, use my phone 4 or 5 times a day or whatever. My own pain levels shot sky high on count of not getting the proper exercise for my legs until I would run back and forth with my phone for 3 days straight to Doug's house. I have really missed spending more time online since hanging out with Doug so much. I like my cyber friends.

befuddled2

Dear Befuddled,

I learned from Barb's post and thought that it was beautiful.
If you don't think it applied to what you were explaining, don't worry. It's ok.

Come here and let off steam. But eventually you might find a calmer place inside yourself and will end up having less steam, it that makes sense.

It sounds like right now, the important things to you are to keep pain levels down and to feel like you are in control of your house. That is important. It is also important to know what is important -- not everyone knows these things.
(sorry if I sound dumb. I need to get off the computer soon.)

One suggestion, if you will allow: you don't have to go so far that you get totally physcially and emotionally exhausted. I mean, if it works, go for it. If it is not working for you, then you can back down way before you get to that point.

Doug might start making more and more demands. I don't think he is taking you for granted or using you. I think he is sick and reaching out his own way. You can say no. Or you can disappear back at your place. He will manage.


That's great, Befuddled.
What are your plans for Sunday?

Mari

Thank you Mari. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

I agree that Doug is just reaching out anyway he can. It can sometimes be hard to set limits at times.

befuddled2

I like you too

It's hard to balance our lives with our To-Do's and our Want-To-Do's and our Should-Do's -- isn't it

When 'things' get too overwhelming for me, that's when I usually buy myself some flowers and get "Andrea" or "Gloria" to cook dinner for me

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

Thank you Barb. I like you too. I want to thank you for being so candid to me as it did have me thinking. Hugs to you my friend.

befuddled2