The good news is that I am finally trying to give up swearing. I love to swear and it is a great release for me. I guess I will start using rats. I was so scared to go in the hall again and got very angry at myself. When I run into her I will just say don't ever talk to me again. I don't want to be an old mentally ill frightened person. I have told three of the workers here and the management for documentation about what she has done..

i feel so awful. I just realized I missed my friend's birthday. I just sent her an apology and asked for her forgiveness.. I am losing it.

I missed my good friends son's funeral....
heavy sigh
bizi

i have really been binge eating. it is awful.

Bobby,

When you have a thought that a drunk shouldn't have kids.

Remember something for me. I would never have gotten to know
you. And never, gotten to learn so much great information from
you. I really enjoy listening to your great information, and also love
to hear about your kitties. And I personally believe its a blessing
that you were born into this world.

Personally I love you.

Also just so you know. I can't get my private messages to answer people.

So this is the answer. I don't take baths right now. I can't get up out of the tub.

I only take a shower if someone is in the house with me. And I don't have a bar
yet, because I have had a hard time getting my husband to understand why its necessary. But he is redoing lots of our house this next year And I plan on
getting one then.

Donna :grouphug::hug:

bobby, I am sorry that you are binge eating.We have a container of lindt chocolate dark, truffles. they are heavenly. We have one almost every night. It is lush and just enough yummyness that we can just have one. get your self some good veggies, eat them raw without any thing on them:celery, tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, zuchini, and summer squash. what about some almonds?Do you like avocados?They are so creamy and delicious.
They have good fat in them. they are also full of fiber. We used to eat them every night. now I don't why we stopped eating them.you have to be careful not to let them go bad, ask for ripe ones and they should be soft to the touch but not too soft. Putting them into the refrigerator to stop the ripening of them.
just some suggestions of good foods to binge on.
love

bizi

donna,
that was so sweet. maybe you are the only one. My family was so cruel..
First get your husband to get a rail thing for you bathtub,. it is cheap and fast to install,. there is no excuse whatsoever.
medication doesn't seem to work for me so i have just suffered so much through my life. i can't kill myself. i am stuck with the pain and doing stupid and self destructive stuff.
Love,
bobby

bizi
so glad about your kitty. prayers to your mother.
my stomach usually always hurts and i think raw vegetables are bad for ibs.. seems like everything is bad for ibs.
took two different laxatives last night and so far nothing.
SO RELIEVED ABOUT THE SENATE. I GUESS THERE IS SANITY.
love,
bobby.

i am also giving up buying more clothes and shoes. i get a high but it doesn't last.

finally beginning to feel close to God again.

I'm wishing I could figure out a way to get you the same high that
you get to the shopping you do. Some other way.

Lets see if we can figure something out.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

just got this back from yesterday's blood test. Your labs look very good, all in an acceptable range. I had peed when i got to the doctor's office so didn't have enough to be tested. will be tested next monday. But still big relief.

I am glad your labs were good.
That is a big relief!
love

bizi

thanks. still worried about the urine test but you know me. i always think the worse. Hyleys Slim Tea Acai Berry Flavor - Weight Loss Herbal Supplement Cleanse and Detox - 25 Tea Bags (1 Pack) Tried that yesterday. only had one cup but said you can have up to three. today i will have three. it worked. could have worked better but still. bought at amazon. just bought more.
yesterday the Rabbi intern called. Is HE EVER BRIGHT. I have been giving him such a hard time. He wound up showing me that I have always set impossible standards for myself that I don't hold for others. I am very compassionate whereas others with my experiences would have grown up bitter. He explained why I got I got the IBS after Suri died. He said once she died I went into mourning. It made so much sense. i got more from the one phone call than i have gotten from all my therapy sessions.
love,
bobby

Bobby

I'm glad you keep finding more and more people to talk too.

Its doing you lots of good. I am also glad he gave you some insight
as to why your ibs has gotten so much worse since the death of your
best friend.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

had two cups of the tea I mentioned in last post. it really worked and I went a lot and it wasn't mushy. I think it is going to keep on working. Time will tell.
Up all night. what a bummer. Thought so much about my life and how my bipolar really made me do so much self destructive behavior and demands. so sad.

Bobby

You will do great just think of the good things you have done.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I think you are wonderful.
love bizi

i knew i screwed up. i left a message with Dorot over 2 weeks ago about having a visitor deliver a thanksgiving dinner and visiting for a while and I didn't get a call back. yesterday I called my friend David who is connected with Dorot and heard his lovely wife in the background saying I wasn't on the list. It was so nice talking to him. I gave him my p.t.'s number. Already a neighbor i only know by sight is now using him because i told her how nice he was and she got him another client who lives in the building. that made me feel good.
Finally that tea worked again after I had coffee. I had a stomach ache all night.
When I speak to the Rabbi Intern next time since he seems to really understand me I'll ask him how can I help myself with the persistent feelings I want to die but I don't want to be apart from my kitties. i am not suicidal.

i have been using a gum brush besides a tooth brush. I don't know why my hygienist hadn't told me about one before. my tooth has been bothering me and i thought i was going to have it pulled. so far it has worked wonders. the tooth no longer hurts.

Where did you get the gum brush?

she gave it to me. so far so great.

The dentist gave it to you? what does it look like?

like a thin tooth brush

i just saw i am diabetic-growing old is scary.

Chronic stress leads to consistently high levels of stress hormones, which in turn can lead to consistently high blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, and/or triglycerides.Jan 16, 2022 my triglycerides are high-i am always stressed out.

at least i think i found something that makes me go and prevents me ripping myself and having to have surgery and not to be poisoned by magnesium overdose. On facebook's ibs-c i have read of people who wind up with surgery.ick.
reading a wow pulitzer prize novel named Less. i like it.

on my next order i am going to get oat milk and cut out half and half. my triglicerides were 202.

Bobby,

Honestly you have taken such good care of your teeth she probably thought
you already used one. So what I would do is let her know that even with her
patients that take great care, it would be great if she were to mention these
extra things that might help if they haven't heard of them. Because you hadn't
and you have been using it. And its helped a lot. And your so glad you found
it.

Donna

Heehee, I didn't get to the end of the page. Glad she got you one.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

last report was awful.

are you referring to your dental results or your blood work?
Either way sorry it was awful.
((((((HUGS)))))
love bizi

teeth but triglicerides were high and i am diabetic.

sorry about that.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

robert sent me information for the drug rexulti that helps with depression. it sounded great until i read that you can't take it if you have diabetes or high triglicerides..
i see my cardiologist at 4 today.
yesterday a lovely young woman came over from dorot with a great thanksgiving meal and wow did I ever talk about my precious pets. i bet i bored her. one of her sisters lives in wisconsin with 3 dogs and two cats who all love her but put up with each other.
I gave my friend David my p.t.'s name. I had to keep on repeating that I didn't need to go the doctor about my trouble walking. He was so kind and caring.
I spoke with Sam later and he was catastrophizing. His bipolar 2 mother always yelled at him. He has no bitterness. Of course I told him I have the same problem and nobody has ever helped me with it. I did tell him to take a bath to try to calm down a bit. He said he would and have a cigarette. I also told him to get of a toxic friend, a pathological liar who down the road could get him in trouble.
Sam should hear this week if he gets the job at the attorney general's office.
He said that one of these days he will come over and we can have a cigarette together. Of course I first warned him I AM SO FAT but have the mindset of a thin person which i was till i started with all the medication that led to more medication. Then I don't know whether I am more excited about having a beloved cigarette or meeting Sam in person.

i forgot Dorot is getting me a volunteer to come over once a week. The woman asked a ton of questions. I think that would be great since I am so isolated.
just bought omega 3 to lower triglicerides(s)

do you still have that stationary bike?

Bobby,

I think its great they are getting you a volunteer to come over once a week.

donna :hug::grouphug:

yes but right now i can't use it.

i hope it's not another night of non sleeping. waited so long for cardiologist. afraid my blood pressure was so high. it turned out okay and she had been waiting for me. the front desk didn't tell her I came. Only when I asked again when she would see me, she was told i was there. My back hurts so much from all that sitting..
i was catastrophizing i was going to be put in the hospital. the technician screwed up on the ekg so so my dr redid it.

how frustrating for you bobby.
glad that you spoke up.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

i am incredibly depressed to the extreme. for a minute yesterday i really wanted to kill myself. then marci was horrible yesterday. i called my caseworker for advice. she gave me great advice and told me she was always there for me. I could even call her tomorrow..