[Mari]

Hi,
The last time I saw my counselor I used the 'f' word when I mentioned their visit 9 days from now. She said, "Oh you have some anger issues with them?" Ya think?!!!! Ya think think I might be unhappy about somethings? And ya think that I might be VERY VERY concerned about having my barely funtioning life disturbed? And do ya think that I might be worried about their comments and judgEments about how I live???????

Two days ago I almost called Mom and Dad to cancel their trip.

Today I decided the heck with it. I don't care if we get the kitchen floor cleaned (it's been since March -- no lie). I don't care that I gained weight since I saw them last. I don't care that there are boxes from the move (Oct 06) in the MIDDLE of the living room floor. I don't care that I will have to stay behind when theY want to go on walks on the beach or wherever. Scrw it. They like to walk. I can't. I am out of shape and have foot probs. I'll sit on the bench on the boardwalk and sweat in the August heat and humidty while they go for a walk.

And who comes to Florida at the very height of hurricane season? Who????

Hubby is very good with them. And they like him.
I feel soooo bad that I can't be gracious and happy about having my parents' visit.

My BIL on the phone tonight in a very kind way, reminded me to be as polite as possible with them because they are older than I am and because of all that implies. He lost both his parents many years ago. (And he;s seen my sister be down right rude to them. I'm not rude, but I don't cope very well around them.)

But my BIL has a better heart than I do.
And I'm very sad about that.

Mari

[mymorgy]

your Bil didn't probably have the experience you had growing up and I am sure your heart is as good if not better than Bil's. Don't fret. I almost didn't go to my mother's funeral and I still have some regrets that I went...so there...on some level I think it was a betrayal of myself. That trite and true expression we can chose our friends but we can't chose our family. I am so sorry you didn't call them and cancel. You will suffer the reverberations from the visit too. I am so glad about the kitchen floor and the boxes...They are a statement....besides you can't do anything about it .....only another bipolar can understand the impossiblity of tasks until they are ready. I think there is no magic formula to get things done. Even a shotgun to our head couldn't get us to do things. So make sure you give yourself a break and don't waste energy thinking about it.
I thought of the hurricane season too. Maybe they think they are exempt.
Gradually I am getting over my phone phobia...I haven't even worked on it...it is just happening. I have also learned the phrase "i can't talk now but I will call you back...." if I don't feel like talking to the person I WON'T call them back.
Bobby

[Dmom3005]

You are going to be just fine. And the walks on the beach well its not your fault that they can walk and you need to sit. Let them walk and don't feel bac about it. Please send them off with the biggest smile, and make sure you take a book along so that even if you don't read it you pretend that its what you want.

I say the floor, yippee that is what I would want to do. My husband wont let me. So I want to applaud your husband for letting you. And the boxes yep go right ahead, my house always has things all over it, till someone is coming from out of town. That is my family. His all lives right here.

So my husband throws this fit, and has to do all this cleaning for them. But I have just gotten to the point I let him, its Derrick and I that suffer listening to him. And how we aren't any help. But hey well he wants to do it. So I let him, I get a clean house again for a while.

My health wont let me clean that way right now. Even though more than anything I want too. But I quit being ashamed of my house, because I can't help it. My middle son, isn't one that will help, and I can't make him so.

Derrick is lots of help. But somethings I can't teach him, without showing him.

Donna

[Mari]

Dear Bobby,
I remind myself that every day that I am still here is a good day. And then, every day I am not in a hospital is an even better day. Yeah, maybe I set my stakes low, but sometimes, the best thing I can do is get through the day.

My BIL had a difficult childhood in that he grew up in desperate poverty -- had to catch fish in order to eat for example -- but he coped and managed. . . . And maybe, as you say, his family had different dynamics.

My father does think that he is exempt from hurricanes. He never helped my Mom with the storms. If a storm approached, the Navy asked him to fly a plane out of town so it would be safe. My mom would deal with us and the hurricane prep by herself. And she didn't deal with us very well.

Mari

[Mari]

Dear Dmom,

My hubby does any cooking we have and he keeps the bathrooms clean, although sometimes I remind him. For some reason, the kitchen floor doesn't bother him. I would happily hire someone to come in once in a while and clean but his is very clear about saying no and that he will clean it himself..

So when he doesn't clean, I let it go. But I am feeling as I write this that this is an issue for me. Maybe I should look for a cleaning lady.

And hubby says it is hard to clean around the stuff and boxes. I guess he and I have different tolerances. I can get used to the boxes but I want cleanliness. He can tolerate dirt if everything is in the right place. (Neither one of us is happy about the apartment right now, I guess.)
We sound like opposites. Thank goodness we manage to get along.

I will be able to smile and let them go for their walks.
But when I visit them, it doesn't work that way. They fill up every minute of time with activities and endless talk about the activities for the next day. I disappoint them by staying behind or saying "no thank you." How many times do I have to tell them that I don't need as much activity in my life as they do? Every single time that we get together? I guess so.

Thanks for helping me think this through.

Mari

[bizi]

Dear mari,
Do you suffer with chronic fatigue syndrome?
If you do they might not understand the things that you go thru...after all of this time you would think that they would get it.....
It sounds like you have a good plan...let them do what ever they want, you can say no thanks or bring a book and maybe an umbrella for the sun or a hat.
This is a crazy time of the year to visit...hot, hurricane season, and hectic for you starting back up with school.
Cleaning......Sometimes I use a swifter on the floors to pick up cat hairs and then a wet swifter to quickly clean the kitchen floor...I need to scrub my bathroom floor!
What about doing nothing and asking them to help you? Would that be out of the question?
That is a good idea!...Perhaps you could hire someone to clean while you are still there so hubby would not worry about someone being there?...Of course whatever you need to do to make youself feel better...I am all for that!
You will get thru this...you really will.
hang in there....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[befuddled2]

Mari,

I don't know how I'd handle the situation. I guess it's a good thing I don't have room in my tiny apartment sometimes for over night guests. Maybe things won't be as bad as anticipated.

befuddled2

[Nikko]

I guess all you can really do at this point is go with the flow and when you want to say no thanks, say it, don't let them make you feel guilty either.

How long are your parents staying?

Hang in there, I know easier said then done, but you can do it.

Don't worry about the house, that stuff will get done. They are coming to see you, not your house.

Lots of Hugs, Nikko