Hi all,

Just when I think that my dear friend Doug cannot lose anymore weight he does. The cancer or the pain meds are going to his brain I believe cause he's started to talk out of his head. He is sleeping most of the time now which is part of the dying process one of the hospice nurses said. I've had this sickening feeling that I cannot decribe except to say maybe it is the fear of losing Doug. I know though that he has no quality of life and when he is called home it will be a blessing. It raises awareness of my own death when the time comes though which can be scary. I'm scared of being without Doug and not feeling needed anymore also. Doug's attitude though is still good and he's been quit smoking for 19 days. He recently said that he thought he had a cigarette lit and then fell asleep. When he awoke he thought, oh crap, that cigarette must be somewhere burning and he went to look for it. Then he realized he no longer smoked. Oh God how I don't want to lose him.

befuddled2

((((((Barbara)))))),

I know, honey

I don't know if you've ever had anyone close to you die before -- parents, grandparents, cousins... This is going to be totally different. And it's going to hurt like hell.

This is probably the first person that you've had in your life that you've allowed to come close to you and that you've had a real connection with.

What's gonna help you get through this after you lose him, Barbara, is the fact that you gave of yourself freely when you didn't have to -- you gave because you genuinely cared and you made his life much-much better because of your caring. I hate to think what this time would have been like for him without you.

The other thing is that you've got a connection with Doug that you're never had before. Someone is in your life because they WANT TO BE. Not because they were born there or because the hormones took you there when you were both too young.

He's taught you about love and respect and companionship and friendship and genuine caring. You've lived a lifetime with him.

Barbara, if you stay with Doug until the very end, you're gonna hurt like nothing you've ever experienced before. If you don't stay with him, you're still gonna feel it.

The most intimate moment that you can have with another human being is to be there with him when he dies. I was with my Mom. It was the most incredible, beautiful experience I've ever had -- second only to giving birth to my son.

Tell him everything that's in your heart. Read to him. Sit with him.

And talk to us. The only way that you're going to survive this, Barbara, is to talk about what's in your heart. Either here or in a journal or a with close friend or relative or therapist.

We all lose people. Each time affects us differently. When it's someone that lived a long and healthy and fruitful life, we can sort of 'accept' it. When someone dies from cancer, the cruelty and the inhumanity of the disease really makes you wonder if there's a G-d. (I went through that with both my Mom and with my ex-husband). When it's a child or a young person, our hearts are just shattered -- it's so unfair -- it's like losing the future.

I wish there were a way for me to heal Doug so that you wouldn't lose him I wish there were a way for me to make this easier for you

It's like all the other bad, horrible experiences in our lives -- the only way through is through. What you learn because of this experience and what you become because of this experience will make you a much more sensitive, empathic, supportive, caring person. It will make you a BETTER person.

We all love you and support you, Barbara. There's herds of us standing in the room next to you or sitting on the floor near your feet. Talk to us. Hold on to us.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

Dear Befuddled,
Keep posting and keep talking to us.

I've got no advice except to remind you to make sure that you get enough sleep and take care of yourself as much as possible.

I think that what you are doing for him is beautiful -- both for him and for you.

Mari

thank u barb & mari. i'm eating popcorn so only have 1 hand free.

barb, that is a great idea to read to doug. i could read until he falls asleep which is all the time.

i just hate to see doug looking so bad or in pain. it is very depressing and hard to do. but then i could never not see him. he's had a lot of company today so i have'nt seen him yet today.

befuddled2

((((((Barbara)))))),

I know you hate to see him in pain

My ex-husband had naso-pharyngeal cancer. That's just above the roof of the mouth. Smoking Probably from breathing all that hair too -- he was a barber his entire life.

He used to be able to go to the dentist and NEVER get novacaine. No matter what they did to him, he never felt pain.

When he was a kid, he fell off a roof onto a bush and the branch went right through his whatever. His sister fainted. He was fine

Well, anyway, when he was in hospice, they couldn't give him enough morphine for the pain. The doctors said they were giving him an amount that would kill an 'ordinary' man. It was barely touching the pain.

Just a few days before he passed, though, he grabbed the nurse and waltzed her all the way down the hall and back again As they start to disconnect from this realm, they don't feel the pain anymore.

Doug won't be in this horrible pain forever. When the time comes for him to take his next steps, you'll thank G-d that he's safe from hurting anymore

When he has one of his lucid moments, you should ask him how he is going to contact you to let you know that he's arrived safely -->> *

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

* Hello from Heaven This really works!! I've talked with dozens of people that have experienced it. It's cool when you know what to look out for.

Oh I love the idea of you asking him how he is going to contact you after
he is gone.

This will give you a way to look for signs when you are sad. And then
he can send you little signs that he is thinking of you.

Donna

BF - I surely feel for you. I lost my Dad many years ago, and I still deal with that. I have such fear of losing another person close to me, like my mom. I don't deal with death well at all.

I think Moose said it all and very well.

I know you will do what you need to do, you have been so strong and I know you will continue to be, even though it hurts so deeply.

Each day is a blessing for all of us. Being there for Doug is the best thing you can do now.

Lots of Hugs, Nikko

Hi Barb and Donna! Doug's day nurse is there now at least that's who I think she is.

Barb, it really helps me to read of your experience. Did your father quit smoking when he had the cancer real bad or before? Just wondering. I think that now with Doug sleeping so much and being out of it when he's awake that he doesn't even miss smoking anymore. My brother-in-law who passed with cancer smoked to the day of his death to my knowledge. Not that it helps the person but if their on oxygen like Doug is or really doped up it can be dangerous for them to smoke.

befuddled2

((((((Barbara)))))),

It wasn't my Dad, it was my EX-husband (my son's Father). His wife was having a real hard time and then there were my step-kids and my own son. So I hung around in the hospice for the last week or so.

Interestingly, my EX quit smoking about year before he was diagnosed with cancer. His wife was on a health kick. She got him to lose weight and quit smoking and start exercising.

He started getting horrendous headaches. They couldn't find a cause, so they decided to do the biopsy. That's when they found the cancer.

He had the radiation and the chemo and they said he was cured. He wasn't He started getting the headaches again so he went to one of the top teaching hospitals here. That's when they discovered that there never was a 'cure', the cancer had kept on growing. It was too late.

He suffered unbelievably. Even though he was a total SHI* to me, he didn't deserve that.

Yeah, the damn cigarettes. We had my husband's uncle with us when he was dying from emphysema. Because both my husband and I smoked, he was always tempted to smoke even though he couldn't breathe.

Cigarettes are horribly addictive. It took me about 6 tries and a divorce to be able to quit. I just couldn't quit while my husband was still smoking.

He smoked Lucky Strikes. Those things were unfiltered and they were like smoking old overshoes. I'm surprised they didn't get him earlier. He was only 59 when he died. My son was so mad 'cause he'd see all his uncles in their 80s and he figured he got cheated out of about 20 years because of the cigarettes.

I'm glad Doug's not smoking anymore. As you say, it's safer. It'll also be easier for him to breathe without those things mucking up his system.

I'm glad I'm able to help a little bit. I've been through so much -- I'd like to think there's a reason for it

Although, I haven't figured out the reason for the toilet getting backed up again I'll have to meditate on that one for awhile I'm waiting for the plumber to show up. My landlord never called me back to tell me that he had called the plumber. I hope he did.

BIG HUGS (and love). Stay strong. And hang on tight.



Barb

Thank you Nikko, I didn't see your post until today. I have been praying for your mom and you both at night.

Barb, if your sewer lines are backed up it'll be real expensive. I hope yours will be more simple though. I had to get mine cleaned out twice in a month!

Good for you for quitting smoking. I do believe we do go through hard times for a reason. Also, if there were never any down time or tears and every day was joyous, life would get pretty boring.

befuddled2