Hey i'm new here and this seems to be a very informative site,

I'm 22 and i've had clinical depression on and off for about 5 years (well that's how long i have been diagnosed for) but i may have prehaps had the depression for longer...its hard to distinguish teenage me from depressed me. Anyway, since being at uni i have continued to be plagued by a rollercoaster of emotions not knowing how i would feel from one hour to the next. I have been very depressed and SI'ing one minute and then laughing with people the next. It is incrediably confusing. I have been wondering for a while if i prehaps have bipolar but i don't really think i fit masses of the symptoms. My friends would refer to me as a very bubbly, outgoing, confident person and i do enjoy chattering to people (to me there is nothing more enjoyable and intriguing) but i also have these massive lows (that seem to be getting worse...prehaps because i'm more tired??) where i'm literally unable to function and do sit for days in my room hiding from everyone.
I have also periods where i feel really restless - almost as if i am wound up like a coil that is going to be released and send me bouncing around the room from wall to wall. I have had periods (not as recently) where i have felt compelled to move constantly, i have, in the past, taken to standing on chairs and tables so that people have assumed that i was drunk but usually i find someone safe and be as annoying as possible - this will involve poking them, trying to start fights, generally talking alot and really needing attention all the time. At these times i know something is wrong, i feel as if something is out of place but i can't put my finger on what it is and i figure that i am just bored (which i may well be). Sometimes the only way to stop the depression frenzy (my name for it) is to either jump up and down and let it out, or find another way to numb myself either by burning (easy to disguise from friends what you are doing even if you are doing it in front of them!) or of late - drink. I do not really get racing thoughts though, nor am i particually productive during these times as i find it hard to concentrate so i guess i'm trying to sort out what is simply me (prehaps i am just incrediably bored and irritable at times...) and what is anything abnormal.

There is one last thing to tell you, about a yr ago now, i was in a depressed period where i was functioning but basically living day to day and thats all. I would sit on the bus and look out the window and watch the people walking by and i would 'see' their souls. It sounds odd, and no i didn't literally 'see' them but i somehow knew what they looked like, their colour and shape and where they were abouts they were hovering outside the person. There were lots of little bits involved not just a big sheet as i would suppose an aura is (if there is one). I'd watch people walk by and walk past someone and again 'see' these things change colour or at least in my perception interact. Sometimes if i was actually in the crowd of people it'd feel like they were everywhere and sometimes it was just too much as they would seem to be 'chattering' away. It was claustrophobic. I have the feeling not many people would describe things like this, but i guess after awhile i started to adjust to it and actually thought maybe i had been given a gift to see things other people can't. It wasn't a particually nice gift because i felt i was watching the dimise of the world and i was unable to do anything to stop it but i did feel as if i belonged to a special empathetic group of people...and...well i started to think more religiously at this time. If that makes sense.

I don't 'see' those things anymore, and i guess in some ways i miss it but i certainly don't miss the claustraphobia. Now i'm basically depressed - very atypical. I've not responded to 2 sets of meds and now i'm going to see a psychiatrist (if the NHS ever gets rid of the waiting list and i'm still in one piece to see the guy) but i wasn't sure whether (when i do see him) i should tell him these other 'restless' periods. They don't last long, the longest being prehaps a week (usually shorter) as most of the time i'm just feeling overall depressed. (and going up, down, up, down).

What do you think - am i making a mountain out of a mole-hill? How should i approach this area if i should talk about it, because i do not want to make a big deal out of something that is not important and be horrendously embarrassed (i have never mentioned these feelings to anyone before) - i just don't want to be over-dramatic. Can you help??

Thank you - i hope you don't think i'm odd!!

Dear Bamboo,
Yes I would defintely bring up everything when you see a pdoc.
It is very important in fact you could just print out your post and give it to her/him when you see them.
Since you found our forum you have internet access and the amount of information out there is astounding....
Many of us here take mood stabilizers.
I take lamictal.
It is in the anti convulsant catagory...it also has antidepressant qualities as well.
I am sorry that you deal with suicidal feelings.
There are several forums here...depression, sos survivor of suicide forum for folks on both end, those who suffer from thoughts to those loved ones who have lost someone in their lives. So it is a great place to find support as well.
I bumped up a thread for you about psychotic depresion see if this might sound familiar at all.
again welcome and feel free to post vent ask....that is what we are here for.
bizi

Dear Bamboo,
Print out whaat you wrote here and bring it into the pyschiatrist.
You do a good job of explaining how you have been feeling.

Mari

Bamboo - welcome!

I think Mari and Bizi have a real good idea about printing out what you wrote and bringing it to the Dr.

Nikko

Thank you for such a quick response!

I looked at the psychotic depression post and it sounds very familiar - i had no idea that this condition existed. I will do some research on it. thank you.

If you think it is important then i will tell the psychiatrist - i do find it incrediably hard to talk most of the time, so perhaps writing something out would help...

thank you for your support. I heard i will be in contact with someone from the mental health team in 2 weeks...that's not long i know but it is long when you have felt sad for so long (as i'm sure you know).

Dear Bamboo

Firstly can i say Bizzi and Mari are spot on , print off your first post and take it to your first appointment, it describes in detail something thats very hard to put into words to Doctors. Being a Britt myself i know come the day, we tend to clam up, and put on a stiff upper lip, and play down our symptoms, therefore not actually getting over fundemental signs of our true condition.
I was diagnosed BP[II] a year ago, although i have suffered from depression/anxiety conditions for twenty odd years. For the last 16 years i've been told i suffered S.A.D. anxiety, Clinical depression etc,, then one day when i turned up at A+E feeling yet again totally suicidal, a duty Pyschatrist took the trouble to check A+E records. He noticed over 18 years i had turned up a dozen times. Two suspected heart attacks [ panic attacks] Twice for lacerations to hands punching glass windows, once for practically cutting my hand off [drunken suicide attempt] and five or six times for hysteria/suicidal thoughts /terror feelings.
When i think back i wonder why it was never seen earlier. My moods are like a rollercoaster. When you describe feeling iritable and wanting to disrupt i totally understand. my main problem when unstable is i feel people talk slowly or beat arround the bush and are indescisive, i tend to cut short the conversations rudely, because they frustrate me so much. Your description of feeling like a coiled spring is me all the way, i feel at times like i'm going to burst. Dont rule these feelings out they could well be Racing Thoughts, freinds on this board pointed these out to me and intend to mention it on my next hospital visit. I play music loudly so i cant hear myself thinking, then go to bed and lie awake siging one line from a song over and over again.
Bamboo like you said the NHS can be a slow machine in process, and i totaly agree with you there. But you have made a start, and nearly have an appointment . please take the time to fully explain your life. Make the shrink realise you have felt unwell for some time, and dont let them fob you off.


welcome to this site, and keep posting.


Take care of you.

David

Bamboo

Please take your first post with you. It is well written explaining all you feel.

And that is what the doctor needs. And please as they say keep talking to us. It will help the two weeks go faster.

Thats what we are here for. We want to help you too.

Donna

Just wanted to offer some support to you and a hug this morning...I saw your post in the SOS suicide forum and I feel for your pain...wish it would get better for you. Go to the emergency room if you need to feel safe.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Dear Bamboo,
Give us an update.
What's going on?
Mari

Yes please give us an update. Let us know how you are doing.