Here I sit staring at a blank screen and can't think what to say. It took a lot for me to even post this and I typed it in notepad and erased it and started all over again. I wish I could get angry but I can't Alffe. I don't "hate" them for what they're doing and saying but I'm hurt. Especially my "friend" who came to visit me and took me to Friendlys for ice cream. But what hurts the most is I've lost my trust in people. I confided and got it slapped in my face.

Curious I would never, ever be offended by anything you say and I take every word that is said here to heart. I just don't know how to go about educating them when I can't even look people in the eyes. I think it's because I'm ashamed of what happened and how I couldn't control it. The treatments weren't all that bad because I was asleep so I don't know what my body was doing. It was doing something because every muscle in my body hurt for a couple days and then they would put that thing in my mouth so I couldn't bite my tongue or clench my teeth.

I'm going to try this as soon as I can hold my head up and stop looking at the floor so much. But right now I'm too afraid. I don't want to give them any more ammunition. It hurts because these people are college graduates, not high school teenagers.

Thanks for replying. I just have to think of a way to make them understand. I had my VNS turned up today and maybe at this new setting it will start working. I should own stock in throat lozenges by now.

Are you able to sleep now?
cough drops are great...i used to use them all of the time to help me sleep that is until I accidently choked on one ...then I stopped having them at night.
Trusting others will take time and energy...maybe you can go hang out at a coffee shop and jsut start to mingle with strangers...practice just trying to be "normal"
I really don't have any advice to give you about your cowrokers...it really does make me mad how they are treating you.
Did you ever go to that VNS site I linked up for you?
Wonder if they might also have some insight on how to deal with the day in to day...issues that come up.
I see how hard this is for you and worry about you struggling to do this.....you are worthy of this struggle.
((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
bizi

I am never telling anyone again that I am BP, because all they do it throw it in your face, as just happened to me.

Sorry you are going through this BP.

Nikko

bj,

what about just handing them information in an envelope? maybe your dr has a print out or brochure type of information. they seem to have brochures made for everything.

i am sorry you are dealing with this too nikko.

i had taken welbutrin for a few months. hubby canceled our insurance and i couldn't afford to continue. during an argument he made the comment about me being crazy and should take pills again.

being the sweet southern lady that i am, i told him what type of pills he needs to take and just where to put them.

<-----monkey waves little blue pills in the air

BJ. Hello.

I want to say something but i'm not sure what/how. i'll try.

first, good job keeping the faith. what faith, says you? perhaps you have more than you realize - you went to bat for yourself with partners! So gently pat yourself on head now. the partners seem to be taking this a bit lightly, but the fact that you raised this issue avoids possible "why didn't you bring this up before" questions if things degrade from the bzzt level.

but what if you could make other approaches about this...
i was thinking face your betrayer, one to one, say lunch. thank her again for her visit in hospital, and ask how she felt about about things, your break down... and perhaps ask what she might have said at work, since it seemed to you people were treating you differently. and see what she says. you might get an elucidative answer. i don't know if you could approach her... yet, anyway. or if it even would be useful, whether she is credible or not, but i'd be curious to see how she behaves when put on the spot, 1 to 1. you could also use the opportunity to drop educative comments as needed. just a thought.

Thing is, if you love the place, and once "belonged" perhaps it is worth riding the trough for a bit, and see what happens. hold out on the alienation. Let yourself heal from the inside first. it will shine through to the outside. and things will change again. there can be greater understanding, but it will take time. it sounds like it might be worth it....

only.... not at the expense of your sanity. there is a time to fold up and only you can know. sometimes we need to draw an unpleasant line, to protect ourselves. (maybe that is what your coworkers are doing.)

I really hope things improve soon, be it through your mood from the VNS helping or other, or because your absence and differences "lose their novelty" and as you improve perhaps so will the relationships.

depending how specific you were with your "friend" and what she witnessed is also going to determine the clarification and openness you adopt. whatever cats are out need to be introduced and your co-workers adjusted to the idea of having cats.

i say things in crazy ways sometimes. i'm sorry. take what helps of this post and toss the rest as they say. i was confused to begin with how to proceed.

be well, and remember that gentle pat on the head. maybe 1 pat bid, just for plugging through the pain right now.



~ waves ~

BP,

When I worked with others I had the same problem. Sometimes I believe that people get a kick out of ridiculing others. IMO people do not change. I don't want to upset you by telling you this but at the same time I'd like to tell you to prepare you. Sometimes though also I believe, that people will get get tired of ridiculing and act more civil. Hugs to you my friend.

befuddled2

My mind is going in a bazillion directions right now. I'm going to print this out and reply better once I slow down. I think I had way too much latte this afternoon. Thanks for all the advice. It can be a cruel world.

BP,

I hope your asleep now and that today will be better for you. I'm sure when you have some time off for Thanksgiving you'll relax more. Hold off till then and maybe you'll know more.

befuddled2

I lost it today. I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her to stop looking at me and stop causing problems with the other staff with her idle chit chat. I told her yes I was shocked 12 times and I'm having a hard time with my memory. But I still have 2 arms, 2 legs, a nose and ears everything that you have. And I also have a smile if you'll let me. My boss heard my outrage and called me into the office and closed the door. He said I need to get my emotions in check. If it means taking time off do that. I have no sick or vacation time to do that and I don't want to stay home and stare at the walls. I've cleaned and cleaned and purged my house and there's really not much more I can do. I can't work outside because it's too cold either. I need to feel a part of my job just not someone plugging away at her computer and not looking up. I can't even talk to clients in front of them because I feel so awkward that they're listening to every word I say and waiting for me to slip. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my job but I just couldn't handle it.

I appreciate everyone's replies and Waves I'm not throwing any of it out. It's all inside and hopefully I'll get the nerve to talk about it with them or I'll be pounding the pavement soon.

Oh that sounds just awful....
I am sorry that you had to go thru that.
Are you going to take some extra time off...or maybe jsut see how you feel over the weekend?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi