good to hear from you. glad you're hanging in there.

it's odd, i was thinking of you just yesterday and thinking to myself i needed to bump your thread and see how the heck you are doing.

yes "capriciously cruel" i find are most suitable words for what happened.

it sounds like you are doing as well as you can getting through. you have been so steadfast and so brave.

i hope you can release yourself of blame for your encouragement of the surgery. you were being supportive then, and you deserve only credit for that.



take care of yourself. and don't be a stranger. we are here for you...



~ waves ~

Merry Christmas!

(or happy holiday? if you don't celebrate.) Either way, I hope you are able to find peace within yourself today, and solace from your grief. Do you have any plans?

Thinking of you... and wishing you well... good vibes your way. And an angel for good measure. I think already you have an angel with you always, in your heart. But even if you don't believe in "angels"... well, I will believe for you, and my angel will watch over you as well, incognito.



((( highhatsize )))

~ waves ~ wishing you peace and serenity

Dear waves & other friends,

Thanks again for your concern. Christmas Day passed uneventfully. I live with my sister at her request because of my psychopathic brother-in-law so holiday celebrations do not occur behind the door to our house.

Lots of friends and acquaintances are concerned about my well-being and have contacted me to let me know that and that above all has made things a lot easier.

On Christmas Day, (I insist on calling it "Christmas" because that name actually means something. Secularly, it is the giving and receiving of presents for the pleasure of the recipient's reaction, parties, meeting other people you haven't seen for a long time, eating and drinking in celebration, [albeit sodie pop in my case]. The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, on whose Board of Directors I serve, recently voted 6-1, [Guess who was the "1"]), to change the name of the Christmas Party to the "Holiday" Party because an anonymous person objected to the presence of the word "Christ". I pointed out that calling it the holiday party was inane; that it described both Christmas and Columbus Day, but was dismissed. I also suggested that there are some offenses in life that unusually sensitive people must simply learn to live with, particularly when no offense is intended. That resulted in my being criticized for being "'in'sensitive".), - to continue - on Christmas Day I was invited to see "The Savages" starring Laura Linney and Philip Seymour Hoffman. The acting is terrific. Linney is a sure Oscar nominee. Hoffman played his role very subdued, doubtless under the Director's orders. But it is Linney's film. I thought that I might have to cut out early when I read a description of the plot, but it wasn't that well written. Some of the characters' actions didn't ring true within my own experience. So, by virtue of being not written as perceptively as it could have been, it was tolerable. It is certainly well worth seeing. Be warned though, the plot involves two estranged adult children in their forties having to deal with the situation in which their father, living on the other side of the country, who was abusive to them as children and ultimately deserted the family, becomes demented. They fly out to take care of what they think is paperwork and wind up having to take him back home with them to Buffalo, NY..

It is not a "feel good" film.

As you can see by the above, I am able to become interested in intellectual trivia, and I think that that is a symptom of improvement. I am still angry though, at god, at fate,at my girlfriend for not taking better care of her health, and, principally, at myself for having encouraged her to undertake the operation that killed her.

Fondly,

Hi there,

I am glad to hear from you, and that you are beginning to feel a little better overall. The anger you are experiencing towards yourself, your girlfriend... et al... is a part of the grieving process. it will relent.

I say this seldom but as I feel connected right now... I will pray for you. I will pray to God for you. i hope you don't mind this, on behalf of a confirmed agnostic. But i am also somewhat mystic. I often i feel connected to the cosmos as part of a tapestry. Right now i feel more connected with the Christian concept of God; it is firmer ground, points of reference. I hope it is ok that even though i'm not, per se, a "Christian" that still i can and will pray for you. And not to some "Mr. Holiday" either.

I must say i was shocked at the objection of the presence of the word "Christ"... like, hellllo???? i wonder if they would have objected if it was a Divali party... say to the mention of Shiva... or would that be considered exciting and exotic? Perhaps a New Year's Party should be called a Holiday Party too. after all "year" is different for different religions/cultures... Divali is the Hindu new year best i know, and the Chinese new year is different yet again!

sigh. sense and sensibilities.



~ waves ~

Dear waves,

Today my sister gave me a Christmas Card with a personal message in which she described how much I mean to her; how grateful she is for all the things that I do for her; and how essential to her wellbeing it is to have me in her life.

It was just what I needed. We have loved each other since childhood, and never actually say it because of course we do. But I really needed to hear it this year.

Fondly,

Just wanted to say your letter was liovely,she sounded,and i'm sure
was wonderful. My thought's, are with you. snotty asshole huh what a
jem she was,my kind of person..Sue

Dear Highhatsize,
I don't know what to say.
Really.
Trust that I send good vibes your way and that I am reading and listening and even rereading.

Mari.

Dear Friends

I will not try to mitigate the hammer blow that my girlfriend's death has caused me. However, at the same time, I want to acknowledge the luck that I have been given in having people around me who love me. I forget that in the depths of my dispair. Here is a letter that my sisters just wrote me after this tragedy. We are Irish Catholics by birth, so emotionalism wasn't smiled on when we were young. I love her and she loves me and we have since grammar school, but I doubt that we have ever given voice to it. So, here is the extraordinary letter that she gave me when my she saw that my depression was becoming overwhelming:

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Dear Highatsize,

Now I am crying.
What a beautiful note.

I think it is ok to mitigate/find some relief for a few moments here and there. In fact, you can embrace those moments.

You do soooo much for your sister. I think it is wonderful that she wrote to you and that you can find comfort in her words.

I remember that you suffered devastating depression for many years. Your girlfriend was special indeed to help you.

I wish you healing and peace.


Mari

I just read your sister's letter. wow... no mincing of words, pure love poured out on paper. it brought tears to my eyes too.

the "knowledge" that one is loved, needed, or otherwise valuable, seems to have this uncanny tendency to drop out of one's psyche when one is in depression, grief, both. Being affirmed externally the way your sister did is so incredibly healing. What an incredible Christmas gift. I am so glad you are with her, and that she was able to open up and even express herself so concretely. i hope you and she will continue to grow closer ... it sounds like you both need each other.

i just deleted a paragraph about my family but the point of it was to say i can relate because in my family there also seemed to be a silent taboo on overt emotional expression. i feel awkward because i have babbled so much in my other posts. so i will shut up before i lose the courage to hit submit.

all the best to you,

~ waves ~ from across the ocean