Dear Friends,

Before she died, unbeknownst to me, my girlfriend arranged to have an eBirthday Card sent to me on the 29th, (my birthday). My first thought when I saw the email sending address today was that someone else was using her account. My second thought was simply delusional, the scrap of straw that a drowning man grasps as a life raft. She expressed all the affection and delight that we always shared in each others company, and sent me birthday wishes from her, her cats and her "fantasy dog", showing again that she was looking to the future with anticipation.

I know that I am being childish, but the same thought repeats in my brain like a mantra, "THIS IS JUST NOT FAIR!!"

Thanks to everyone for your tolerance.

Fondly,

i'm sure she wanted you to always feel her love.

i know you don't feel like celebrating, so i'll just give you a birthday hug and wish you peaceful thoughts.

i was sitting at the bar earlier... convinced it was ... couldn't think who... finally gave up. now i see this post. and it's YOUR birthday. which i did not know. i'm either crazy or psychic or both. geez the former probably shouldn't post. I will keep it simple.

You are not being childish.

Indeed, it is NOT fair ( i don't mean the card ).

I do feel for you getting the card - it must have been really freaky.

But I think it was an odd twist of... fate? a reminder that she is still with you and always will be, living on in your heart.

Bless this mystery, and bless you on the anniversary of your birth. I'm glad you are here.

~ waves ~

It does not matter how long we are loved,it's just we are loved. Some
people never experience that,you diid. Happy Birthday dear. Sue

Dear Highthatsize,
I hope that her words are comforting.

It's not fair.

Keep posting.

M.

Dear Highhat,
what a wonderful letter and what a surprise of a birthday card.
hoping that you are able to rest tonight knowing that you are loved.
((((hugs)))
bizi

Dear Friends,

I have been feeling "down" for a few days now, with only an occasional "up" cycle to normalcy. Because of the concentrated and psychically difficult job of cleaning out my girlfriend's apartment within two months, I had been taking meds intended for other-than-depression to get me through. Now that that task is finished, I am trying to wean myself off the other meds and back to my usual regimen. It has not been going well. Yesterday and today, I was feeling so bleak that I just gave up and took the other meds as usual.

I have actually been considering taking my shrink up on the suggestion to increase my anti-depressant, (Lexapro), even though this is the first anti-depressant that worked for me at normal dosages and with tolerable side effects. I well remember the sexual neutering effect of overdosage of SSRIs but my current regimen is producing the same effect anyway.

I wrote to my girlfriend's mother yesterday in response to a telephone call that she made to me, recalling all the effort that my girlfriend and I had put into planning a program to fix her medical/psychological problems. So many hours and days; so many trips to medical centers; so much internet research; - so many successes! And all culminating in her death. It is crushing.

Thanks for listening and for your supportive responses. I know well that time is the only real cure for my trouble but it is comforting to know that there are compassionate people around who understand.

I read posts here by people in my frame of mind, or worse, who have no one around to support them. That is nightmarish beyond comprehension. I do have people here who love or care for me, thank god!

Thanks,

Dear Highhatsize,

Yes, use every resource available to you during this time -- meds, extra therapy, talking to people who knew her. . .

I'm imagining that she was special indeed.

M.

I just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you while you go through this. Hope it starts to get easier for you soon.



Suzz

Don't be hard on yourself...you have been through a huge ordeal and loss.
please be kind to yourself.
we are listening....
bizi