Dear Highhatsize,
I don't know what to say.
Really.
Trust that I send good vibes your way and that I am reading and listening and even rereading.

Mari.

Dear Friends

I will not try to mitigate the hammer blow that my girlfriend's death has caused me. However, at the same time, I want to acknowledge the luck that I have been given in having people around me who love me. I forget that in the depths of my dispair. Here is a letter that my sisters just wrote me after this tragedy. We are Irish Catholics by birth, so emotionalism wasn't smiled on when we were young. I love her and she loves me and we have since grammar school, but I doubt that we have ever given voice to it. So, here is the extraordinary letter that she gave me when my she saw that my depression was becoming overwhelming:

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Dear Highatsize,

Now I am crying.
What a beautiful note.

I think it is ok to mitigate/find some relief for a few moments here and there. In fact, you can embrace those moments.

You do soooo much for your sister. I think it is wonderful that she wrote to you and that you can find comfort in her words.

I remember that you suffered devastating depression for many years. Your girlfriend was special indeed to help you.

I wish you healing and peace.


Mari

I just read your sister's letter. wow... no mincing of words, pure love poured out on paper. it brought tears to my eyes too.

the "knowledge" that one is loved, needed, or otherwise valuable, seems to have this uncanny tendency to drop out of one's psyche when one is in depression, grief, both. Being affirmed externally the way your sister did is so incredibly healing. What an incredible Christmas gift. I am so glad you are with her, and that she was able to open up and even express herself so concretely. i hope you and she will continue to grow closer ... it sounds like you both need each other.

i just deleted a paragraph about my family but the point of it was to say i can relate because in my family there also seemed to be a silent taboo on overt emotional expression. i feel awkward because i have babbled so much in my other posts. so i will shut up before i lose the courage to hit submit.

all the best to you,

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

Dear Friends,

Before she died, unbeknownst to me, my girlfriend arranged to have an eBirthday Card sent to me on the 29th, (my birthday). My first thought when I saw the email sending address today was that someone else was using her account. My second thought was simply delusional, the scrap of straw that a drowning man grasps as a life raft. She expressed all the affection and delight that we always shared in each others company, and sent me birthday wishes from her, her cats and her "fantasy dog", showing again that she was looking to the future with anticipation.

I know that I am being childish, but the same thought repeats in my brain like a mantra, "THIS IS JUST NOT FAIR!!"

Thanks to everyone for your tolerance.

Fondly,

i'm sure she wanted you to always feel her love.

i know you don't feel like celebrating, so i'll just give you a birthday hug and wish you peaceful thoughts.

i was sitting at the bar earlier... convinced it was ... couldn't think who... finally gave up. now i see this post. and it's YOUR birthday. which i did not know. i'm either crazy or psychic or both. geez the former probably shouldn't post. I will keep it simple.

You are not being childish.

Indeed, it is NOT fair ( i don't mean the card ).

I do feel for you getting the card - it must have been really freaky.

But I think it was an odd twist of... fate? a reminder that she is still with you and always will be, living on in your heart.

Bless this mystery, and bless you on the anniversary of your birth. I'm glad you are here.

~ waves ~

Dear Highthatsize,
I hope that her words are comforting.

It's not fair.

Keep posting.

M.

Dear Highhat,
what a wonderful letter and what a surprise of a birthday card.
hoping that you are able to rest tonight knowing that you are loved.
((((hugs)))
bizi