Dear Friends,

Those of you who have read my other post will know that my girlfriend died unexpectedly last October 27 while recovering from spinal surgery

Since no one in her family lived closer than four hundred miles away, it has fallen to me to prepare her apartment for cleaning and relisting. It is a chore that I was glad to undertake since it made me feel that I was still being useful to her and that I was doing what she would want me to do.

Yesterday the process finally came to an end, in terms of my ferreting through her belongings. It was tough. I always felt like a ghoul and a voyeur but I didn't want curious salvors, (or her family), seeing personal things that were no one else's business. A thrift store co-operative collection van came and took away all her clothing and much of her furniture. Now, all that remains is to be on hand to open the apartment door for other groups, (an adult day-care center, the library), to take away things in which they had expressed interest.

Her brother came up to SF from Orange County to assist in the process and he was a gem. Just the blend of practicality and sentiment that the moment needed. I was so glad when he gave expression to the embarrassment that he felt in disposing wholesalely of items of great value for virtually nothing. Furthermore, items in which my girlfriend took great pride in possessing. But there was no choice. Every time we got sidetracked into looking through something of hers, we lost time. He is back in Orange County today and the flat must be cleaned and ready for reoccupancy by January 1. Moreover, due to Christmas, December really ends on December 21. It was reassuring to know that someone else who loved her was feeling the same pangs of guilt that I was myself in rushing to clear out the evidence of a life.

My girlfriend was deeply ashamed by her failure in her chosen profession. But for her congenital spinal fragility, her talent in that field would undoubtedly have made her a success. But I doubt that her bipolarity would ever have allowed her to be happy in it. Especially since she was endowed with such startling empathy. I think that the cumulative effect of the tragedies that she would have witnessed would have had an profoundly negative effect on her psyche.

On the other hand, had she had some early direction towards the healing professions, she would not only have been a great success but also, I believe, extremely happy due to her talent of empathetically tuning into troubled peoples' needs.

Ah, well. Woulda. Shoulda. Coulda. I could just as easily be completely wrong.

I was extremely lucky to have found her. All the verbiage above is just more of the grieving process in action. I am better today than I was in the week after her death, and I will be better still two weeks from now. That's just the way it works.

I must say, however, that for a person with my world view, (I would normally use weltanschauung here, but, in deference to my girlfriend's opinion that my using it it just made readers think that I was a snotty asshole, I am substituting world view), the vaporization of the physical evidence of her existence is troubling.

Thanks again for all you solicitude. It made it easier. Compassionate comments by sensitive people are the best thing for grief, (beside benzodiazepines).

Fondly,

Highhatsize

By dealing with this traumatic time, with dignity compassion and with true love. Your girlfriend would be pleased with the way you have organised her belongings, held in this life.

The wonderful thing is that the memories she left behind are yours to keep forever, and will never be discarded..occassionaly hidden deep inside your mind, but open to access and reminice whenever you so desire.

Empathay was left behind for you, use this rare human emotion to good effect, which no doubt you will..........

My sincere condolences for your loss


David

Dear Highhatsize,
So glad that that par tof this process is behind you now.
Wonder if you could do some journalling write what ever you want to remember down in a special book, You may find great comfort in your writings a year or longer from now.
YOu are such a good writer, you could even jsut print out here what you have written about her.
thinking of you
bizi

My condolences.

befuddled2

Dear Highhatsize,

A year and a half ago the woman I had adopted as my mother for the past 20+ years died and her biological daughter and I spent about six weeks going through the stuff she had collected in the house she had moved into 18 years earlier.

We didn't have to get rid of major furniture because the house was staying in the family. But we had to go through her collections of stuff from garage sales, after Christmas sales, crafts, hobbies, paper work and financial records, clothes, jewelry, books, . . .
We took our time, spending about six weekends.

It was hard work but we knew that what we were doing was part of the grieving process and would help with healing later. And yes, the two of us cursed and joked about her collections. We had lots of time to remember stories.


This is all to say, "I hear you."

I hope that your good memories will keep you going.
Mari

Thinking of you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Nikko

I can relate to what you went through and are still going through.

I lost my beloved husband of 34+ years in Nov. of last year. I went through some of his things while his kids were here and gave them what they wanted. I knew he would have wanted that.

I had to sell a lot of my things and pack. By April of this year, I had moved into a new place. I just couldn't deal with all of the memories in the home we had bought, remodeled to make homey and enjoyed so much together.

I still have his clothes in boxes here in my living room. I was going to have quilts made out of them for our 2 Grandson's for Christmas but I still can't do it and neither can my daughter.

This year is harder on me then last. I think because I was still in shock at Christmas last year. It hasn't gotten much easier.

They say Time heals all wounds. Let's hope that's the case. We don't forget them, we just put them in a special place in our hearts.

I think of all of the happy memories we made together. I find myself many times taking the trips in my mind that we took, doing something with our Grandson's that we loved doing. Just all good memories.

I hope things start getting easier for you as time goes by. You both were blessed to have each other.

Ada

Dear Highhatsize,

I was really touched by this. It must have been heartbreaking. But at least, the way that you did things, even if "wholesalely," was organized enough to find good homes for many of her things... to those who are needy. Sounds like she would approve of that! She no longer needs those things, after all.

I do wish you had had more time to sift through her things and spend some reminiscence time in that way. Perhaps you needed her things... a little longer than she did.

At least, by now, i hope you are feeling some relief about the task as it is behind you? I'm glad her brother came to help.

Hang in there. Keep posting. We're here.



~ waves ~

I guess that I am getting better. It seems that the mantle of grief that used to shut out the sun is becoming threadbare. Time is becoming more bearable.

My girlfriend's apartment is cleared entirely but for a few items that are awaiting pickup by charities and purchasers. My only continuing function is to let them in when they arrive which must be by the end of the month. There is nothing left therein that personalizes her occupancy.

Her death was so capriciously cruel. The non-lifethreatening surgery was the last in a series of health improvement measures that she had courageously undertaken to enjoy and expand the horizons of her life. I strongly encouraged her decision. Had I but known. What happened was not a possibility.

Thank you all.