I am tired of this.

Sick. And. Tired.

I don't feel my meds are doing much, most of them.

Every time i try to "do something" - like get a job, i can't hold it coz i freak out. tell me, after 4 years, what the hell use is this therapy, between meds and talk???? pdoc will be another thread.

Recently, I ran out of Depakote - had to halve the last two doses. i have been having nerve pain so had taken some Neurontin anyway... so i killed two birds with one stone and brought the dose up to a seizure-protective dosage to cover me as the Depakote left the system (I am still taking the Neurontin for now).

So i go a few days like this. Without the nerve pain due to the Neurontin.

Ok, so now, I can feel only pain from tenseness in the muscles in my back. I clench my teeth so bad. That's the Zoloft. And I don't know that it's helping that much... any more. i've been more like a depressed shakenbake lately... hello rapid cycling? And come to think of it, one week i saw my therapist i was actually sightly hypo - but do you think it occurred to him about the Zoloft.... ok so that's next on the taper list.

The lamictal, and my benzo i will keep until after i see how i am with that. The Neurontin can be tapered easily... when it stops helping with the pain, i will do so. it isn't useful in bipolar, per se.

But you wanna know what's funny? I've been on Neurontin for a week now, it's my PMS week... and so far... no migraine. Not time for the "biggie" yet... so jury's still out on that. I did have terrible light sensitivity and even mild palinopsia yesterday. So i will keep that up through this cycle just to see if i get the migraine.

I see a NEURO on 22 Jan anyway. For the change in patterns in my migraines and other headaches (probably due to the stupid muscular/skeletal stuff i will be having pt for... sheesh) and visual disturbances. he will know all my meds and may want to change things anyway.

meanwhile away with whatever i can do away with.

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

Dear Waves,
I understand. I also care about you so promise me that you will be careful.
You sound like you are in control and have a plan.
Are you able to contact the pdoc and get immediate feedback in case you need some help?
Could you go refill the Depakote just in case? Please.

Mari

Dear Mari,

Thanks for affirming me.

jury's out on whether i see my pdoc again, but i contacted a pdoc here and she takes patients privately, within about a few days notices, so there is someone i could consult. there is also the state service but they usually have 2 week wait but it would be free. nothing besides my feelings prevents me from calling my "current" pdoc for immediacy but as i more and more think he's pretty useless i probably wouldn't bother.

IF i decide to remain in psychiatric care, i may do so through them. Alternatively, if the pdoc i talked to frees up for a patient in her state quota, i could get her as a GP (free).

I did get scripts for Depakote and Lamictal, will refill this time. I will hoard Zoloft.

And push come to mania i do still have heavy duty artillery... full box of Zyprexa in the drawer

When i came to this country and tapered off everything, i did the same thing... kept aside a box of lithium just in case...

ugh, i don't know which is worse, Zyprexa or lithium.

Dear Waves,

Neurontin failed in studies as a mood stabilzer but it could still end up being helpful to a person here and there. Right?

I know that you have referenced your pdoc in a various posts. (You keep promising to start a thread. ) I have gathered that you are unhappy with him on a few levels.

Still, if you needed a script or needed to bounce your ideas off someone could you call him? Would you? If no, then connect more strongly with the other two folks you mentioned. Get an appointment so that you are one of their people.
That's sort of how it works here anyway, sort of. Once you have an appointment, they are more likely to not ignore you than if you call out of the blue.

Could you very soon call the one who can get you in within 2 days and go ahead a meet her and establish a relationship with her? If you are in an ER-type situation, two days is too long. You need one or more people a phone call away -- especially since you run manic. I think that those of us who run depressed can go longer without call backs.

And yes, I see that you have Zyprexa and lithium. Lithium would take a little while to offer you help. I don't know how fast Zyprexa works -- I'm thinking fast-ish. Depakote would need a little while I'm guessing . . .

OK. I will stop with the ruminating. You have a few plans.
I would feel better if you had someone else besides yourself to rely on, that's all.

And maybe you are doing something good -- starting afresh after a few years of not getting good enough results.

Is your goal to be well enough to get a job that you can keep? Is that how you would measure eventual success?

On a slightly other note. I notice as I get older that I tolerate the meds less AND have less patience for side effects. You are brave to be throwing stuff out and considering perhaps starting from scratch. Or you are tired of being tired of being not well. Or you are slightly not clear headed. Or, any number of possibilities and combinations . . .

OK. I'll leave you a lone with my thinking "aloud" and go to bed.

One of your issues in a pdoc/doc of any kind is that you prefer someone at least as smart as you are. Maybe you like someone who can match some of your energy too.
We should start an on-line match up site for patients and pdocs:
Witty Creative Intelligent pdoc seeks responsible complicated patients who need Nurturing from someone on top of the recent protocol models but not afraid to work outside the box when necessary. Office is located in a convenient place. No changing of trains is needed

Be better. Be well.
We have a new year upon us. This offers hope.

Mari

<<<What? I can't figure out where the delete button is >>>>>>

hi, i hear you. i will be ok.

Zyprexa works fast, matter of hours at most - ugh i had the most awful 3 hours once - but in unlikely case this happens, 15-20 mg Zyprexa will take me out, hopefully near a mattress i can stumble to. if i'm not right still it can sort me out in a few days or a weekish.

I actually tend to run depressed, but due to AD history i have reactive hypomania, or more often dysphoria. however i am wondering what gives you the sense i run manic (curious)?

well, my GP who is a bit stuck up but more attentive than before about meds, knows that i subbed the Neurontin, and that is what i am doing for now.

I CAN call my pdoc except in the christmas/new year week. I don't WANT to talk to him. If he calls me, that's a different matter but it depends what he has to say - still at that point i might fire med questions at him point blank. I can probably call that other local psychiatrist and say it's an emergency; she may well be responsive, she sounded very warm on the phone.

the neurontin is a bridge... i do not intend to stay on it unless the Neuro has me continue it for other reasons. the Zoloft is activating and the taper will be gradual (25mg /week) so i may decide to resume Depakote while i taper the Zoloft. But I was thinking to take a bit more En (long acting benzo) so i don't add back a drug.

As a mood stabilizer, Neurontin is not reliable. when you aren't used to it, it's a good knocker outer tho. it does mellow you out, and it is safe in very high doses.

I think the pdoc thread is going to end up in here, gradually. lol.

I'm hungry. I think Neurontin can make you gain weight - i have forgotten - so i have to be careful. but it is also getting much colder these few days and i have been up and about and outside too... so it stimulates hunger i suppose.

so i will go eat something... a nature call.

~ waves ~

If you are sticking with the lamictal...200mg?
that is a mood stabilizer so the depokote was an extra one right?
lamictal also has antidepressant qualities....
you have your benzo use for anxiety...
zyprexa for emergencies...
you jsut need to find a new doctor who will support you while you do these changes.
all meds have side effects.
let me say that I am sorry that you are sad...i am sad for you.
keep posting we are here for you.
(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
bizi

I wish your meds were working better. You have my love and support as always.

Whoa hold on waves. You really can't do this by yourself, it's dangerous and not going to solve anything - just saying screw the meds isn't the answer and you know it.

Sit back, take a deep breathe and think about what you are doing.

Please get a different p-doc or call a clinic, er, regular dr, friend, hot line.
You really have to stop and think.

Neurontin does help the physical pain, and yes it makes you hungry.

I am guessing you need a mood stablizer, a pain killer and a AD.

But you need to do this under the supervison of a DR.

I feel for you, you have my love and support, but please don't just go off all your meds, like you just don't need them or care anymore.

Hang in there girl.................you can do it.

Hugs, Nikko

Dear Waves,
I got your moods wrong and I apologize.

Also, perhaps I was trying to express something and got it wrong
Most people around here are more hypo than I am. I'm depressed -- never been hypo that I recall.
Before being properly medicated I got only those horrible horrible mixed mood things.


Mari