I am 21 years old, in college, and have been diagnosed repeatedly with both clinical depression but as ive gotten older therapists and doctors have begun labelling me as baby bipolar (II) which always made more sense. I started taking zoloft when i was 15 and did until the age of 18 when i stopped cold turkey for a year. i drank mildly during my teen years and was in control many times but after quitting zoloft began binging again on alcohol like when i was 14. after a year i returned to taking zoloft which was very hard to get back on and ended up not sleeping for a week and very much considering suicide as i was also extremely ill at the time. my more manic and normal periods come and go and are usually when i get a lot more artwork and writing done but these have slowed down in the past few months and i increasingly believe i will never be able to get over this and will be insane and miserable for the remainder of my life. i have periods of such depression that i can no longer function and end up destroying what little stability i manage to build. i have many friends but spend so much time pretending i am okay i feel even any stability is a futile lie i have created for myself which once i become sad again is not worth keeping. i abuse alcohol quite frequently now-a-days and used to smoke marijuana freqently to make myself feel better. for about a year ive been doing coke infrequently and regret it but can never seem to pull myself away. i usually wouldnt do this sort of thing as i have always felt like every cry for help i make just makes me lose my manhood a little more. i am so emotional and crazy sometimes i cant control it and have managed to ruin every relationship ive ever had. sometimes i end up just searching out casual sex and sleeping with girls i never like or couldnt care less about and sometimes i can no longer look at myself in the mirror. i know no one who is as pathetic as me and i feel ashamed in front of all my friends and family as theyve never understood me. at times nothing matters and i am just digging a hole in the ground for myself and it never ever leaves my mind that i will die in complete misery one day and that my whole life has been a depressive sham. i try so very hard to be kind but do so because i myself am so sad. my periods of creativity are coming so frequently i have become dull and can not paint. i can not draw or write and its all so upsetting and brings me to tears and i just have nothing and its all so frightening and i love life and i hate doing this because words of comfort mean so little and all the pills i have tried never help as much as they should. even if they do i hate being on them because of the sexual side effects and with my drinking it will surely all destroy my liver. i have trouble talking to therapists and their insincerity disgusts me so much i have ceased to try. i despair all day and if i am not despairing when i cant slow my brain down i lie awake and try and distract myself with video games or anything i can pour my mind into till it stops and then sometimes im so dull i hate myself. i just dont know what to do anymore and dont understand why i can never be happy with the things i have and nothing makes me happy. i dont like speaking of these things because it all becomes too disjointed for me to handle and becomes a rambling mess but there it is.