So where to begin...

New doctor. First saw a student. Very nice guy. We talked about 45 minutes and I told him lots of stuff that I've told you here- maybe more. I hadn't forgotten things! I usually go to this kind of thing not remembering anything, ya know? He seemed to ask questions back that related and he was very nice. We talked about the horror movie hallucinations, about my wanting to beat people up, about my version of reality changing, my alcoholic dad.... everything.

Then, the doctor and some other female doctor came in. They all sat and stared at me- at least the women did. The guy sorta kept to himself inthat he didn't stare but he did look interested. They asked me all kinds of questions that I had already answered like "Why are you here today?" "I got a referral from my primary". "Why?" "Because I had this episode with non-stop talking and can't sleep and she said I was bipolar and put me on Depakote and wants me to see you." (I guess this is to see if your stories match to see if you're making it up for fun?) They said after a while of this- of asking me the same question in a different way two questions later because they didn't lik emy answer- a very HONEST, truthful, INSIGHTFUL answer to me!!!- and then I said "Why are we going in circles? You just asked me that. You don't like my answer?" They asked me about my history of depression. I asked them "What should I do if I find myself thinking I could fly down from balconies again?" Her answer? "Don't." "Don't what- think it?" "No, don't do it." Oh yeah- right. Okay. Coping mechanisms? Like music or white noise? Yeah- sure, I've been told those, but the never occur to me WHEN I am feeling like this so they aren't likely to work if I can't even think of them, nevermind DO them. "How about would you like dialetical behavioral therapy- a group?" Tried that. They all seemed like they were speaking another language and everything was common sense anyway. Not related to me. "Would you like to just talk to someone sometimes? I don't see a reason we need to see you here. I can't figure out a diagnosis. (Just put down "severe depression" for the insurance.)" "How would Christopher describe you?" "Sweet, nice, funny, clever, lovely, pretty...."? "How many friends do you have?" You mean in real life or my imaginary play buddies? What did you expect from this appointment?

So... it went on like this for an annoying 45 minutes or so and finally one of the women looked at me and said "I can't figure out who you are. I always can look at people and tell who they are- not the details of their life- but who they are. I have no idea who you are." You know what I said back? "Oh! Cool!!" lol They started by saying "We don't think you're bipolar." (Wow, cuz everything I've read about it is me.) So they just left it at that. They want to talk to my primary doctor to find out why SHE thinks I'm bipolar, but I can take the meds if it makes me feel better. I don't know if she was baiting me or what the deal was, but I thought I was telling the truth and remembering stuff and wanting some answers because I know when I don't feel myself and I feel like I'm in an alternate world where anything is possible (which I told them)... and they just seemed to say "We don't know. Unless you're REALLY gonna hurt someone and not just think about it, oh well. " They asked me had I ever thought about killing myself. I said yes. They said "was it when you were really sad." I said no. Not in the least. I felt like I knew why people killed themselves (or as the case may be other people) and it was like a very clear revelation to me. Then they said how often do these happen that I have the horror movie hallucinations and I said all the time. (I even had one in their office when they weren't there but didn't say so.) They wanted to know if I was angry at someone when I think it and I said "No I am not. They are movies that just play." They wanted to know how "real" they were and I said "not as real as this chair," but when I get into that state- like on Sunday- all the rules of the way things work no longer apply so I wouldn't be surprised to see furniture walking or animals talking, etc. They seemed to skim this.

So I'm at a loss here. I feel like I've been told there's nothing wrong with me and I aught to "pull it together"- as has happened to me in the past, when one therapist looked right at me and said "Well? What do you want ME to do about it?"

EDIT:

Just editing to add that one thing they kept coming back to was how OFTEN any of these "spells" happen. The spending, the non-stop talking, the visions, etc. They wanted to know if they lasted a week or two weeks or six months. I said "They are not predictable and they last a day or two, but can then happen a few days or a week later." I know they were trying to figure out bipolar in terms of "this should last weeks in each 'state' or its not bipolar".....

Run from these people.
Run fast.
Mari

HUGS!

You know, that appoinment cost my insurance 300 bucks? And I get more helpful advice from YOU?

I dunno where I should go, though. My insurance covers this kind of thing through the same place so unless I find another doctor other than the 2 (3 counting the student) I saw today... I think my primary doctor was helpful in diagnosing me, but she does not have the hours to counsel me nor is it her speciality. They did say one of my options is to just see her for the meds. Yeah great. UGH.

Dear Jennie,

You evidently got an appointment at a teaching hospital. While they are the best place to go for physical diagnoses, they are the worst for psychiatric diagnoses. Here in San Francisco, Langley-Porter, the psychiatric teaching arm of the University of California, hands you over to Residents(!!) for continued care. They know nothing and are terrified to prescribe any medication. It seems to me to be malpractice per se.

The best thing for you to do is to shop psychiatrists until you find one with whom you feel a rapport, even if he is not a "preferred provider" on your insurance. Many of the best psychiatrists in SF do not accept insurance. Competent shrinks are scarce on the ground and they know if they are good. They don't have to take insurance. Most health insurers will pay 50% of what they consider the "typical charge" for a psychiatric visit. Here is SF, the insurers consider that to be $140, even though it is actually $175-$200+. However, a reimbursement of $70 is better than nothing.

I cannot believe that they didn't sign off on your Depakote prescription or offer you an alternative. That's why you went there. Do you think that they were scared of you?

I agree...
see someone else if you can.
Let your doc prescribe and see a therapist if that is possible.
I am so sorry that you had to go thru that today...
very disappointing to say the least.
tell me...do they want to see you again?
How did it end?
(((HUGS)))
bizi
My insurance company allows me to ask for an "accomodation" and have my pdoc added to the list of providers in network due to the fact that there are not many providers on the list in my area. So I asked my reg doctor who was treating me then when I was....manic...for a suggestion. and I still have her now going on 3 yers...really like her....ask...also there were not that many woman on the list so that also allowed for the accomodation.

Yes its a teaching hospital. I can't really afford to pay ANYthing for any continuing care if its not covered by my insurance.

I saw a student first and HE was the most helpful, and the "regular doctors" there were the least. I mean "we don't know" and "I can't figure you out personally"??? What kind of thing is that? Trying to see how much they could annoy me to see if I'd attack them or what? They told me one of my options is to just keep seeing my primary dr. for the meds and tell her if I feel they are working for me. Uh... I need some help in ways of thinking about the world and dealing with things and people to tell me "That's not okay..." and generally tell me what is normal and what is not- but in a NICE way. I don't need to be told "I don't know" and "you can continue the depakote if you feel its helping" as if it were a placebo effect and I'm making it all up!

Yes they scheduled me another appointment in 3 weeks after they talk with my primary to "see why she thinks you're bipolar".

Hello,
I would not go near them again.
What you describe sounds like something out of a bad movie. I'm finding it hard to believe that this really happens.

There are probably free group meetings that you could attend in your area.

Mari

hi,
What do you think that they were up to? What was happening?
Mari

How do you mean? Can you quote what I said to that effect? I don't remember....

RUN is right!!!!! I would NOT go back to those people. First of all, it should be one on one, or in my case my p-doc and her case mgr. I go to a free clinic, because my p-doc left her practice to work there and at the time my insurance had run out, I had been on Cobra from my last job.

Tell your PCP what happened and see what he/she says. There has got to be other places or therapists, that work under a p-doc, so you see the p-doc for your meds, but the therapist regularly. That's also what I had back East, also it was on a sliding scale depending on your income,even with ins. depending on your financial situation.

I am sorry you had to go through such a awful experience, I probably would of got so upset and walked out.

I go to a place called COPE, I think they have these places everywhere. They also have all types of group therapy's. First you need to be assigned a p-doc. and my case mgr just is there to keep up on what is happening so I can call her anytime for anything. It works.

Good Luck and keep on posting, and do some research for places in your area.

Hugs, Nikko