I can't remember if I have shared with you this story or not...
and have been torn about even posting about it...but am looking for some perspective and guidance from you guys.

This is a very sad story.
I will make this as brief as possible though I promise.
6 months ago we met our new neighbors who moved in directly across the street from us. Harry and Leslie lived in a travel RV and had been touring the country for the past 10 years. They have no family, are only children and their parents have past away as well. They have a dog whom is like their child...she is a great dog.
Harry had pancreatic cancer.
He had gone in to the doctor for a severe stomach ache and they discovered his cancer and it had metasticised so he was not even a candidate for extensive surgery....he had months to live. They had openly talked about a double suicide...
In January He died after a painful death in the hospital.
Needless to say this has been a living nightmere for Leslie.
I tried to be a good neighbor and befriended her early on...she did not have any support system and I felt so sorry for her....I still do....I believe that she is still a suicde risk, she even has guns in the house.... I confronted this and she ssaid that she promised harry that she would not kill herself...that she would give it a year.
Now what I have to say may sound insensitive... I am just going to throw out some things here.....
When we first met her it was obvious that she had many issues...alcohol is one of them ...now granted she is dealing with so much and is/was in shock/pain/grief...so it is hard to figure out exactly what is reactionary and what is what really. They were there soley with each other. He had a calming sort of moral compass for her.
Her personality is way over the top....
Before he passed away...My hubby and I went over there to share a pizza one night...we were overwhelmed with her behavior. Maybe because she was an only child she never learned what appropriate behavior was...I don't know.
At first she is overly ( everything about her is overly) complimentary of you and then she is telling you what to do being bossey and criticising...like she is the authority on any issue....she would boast about herself...and cut down people with one word...for example...she called our very sweet elderly lady neighbor "stupid". We were shocked...and wonder what she says about us...behind our back. She is like a bull in a china factory.
I used to go over there fairly regularly and have a cocktail with her....it became apparent that she drinks too much and that is what happened when we had her for dinner a few weeks ago.
SHe had been drinking before she came over for dinner and then drank a whole bottle of wine in an hours time. Thru out dinner she kept going over and over topics and not making much sense making compliments and criticisms(specifically to hubby)...the evening seemed never ending and we kept giving clues that we wanted to wrap it up and she did not read the non verbals. I asked hubby to play a peice of music for her on his classical guitar and he did, it was a beautiful romantic piece which she told him it was "boring" and then she insisted he play something that he wrote and she got up and cheered while he was playing....which was rude and obnoxious.
After 3 hours, by this time we were both standing up in front of her...and she finally got up to leave, I actually opened the door for her to leave and she left.
I apoligized to hubby and said we never had to have her over again.
Since then I have avoided her. Up until last week.
I felt guilty so went over with a coke in hand to chat with her for half an hour. I set up a time limit.
She sort of apoligized for her behavior at dinner...and went about telling me of all of the projects she has started, the things she has been doing keping busy which is great....
I continue to feel very sorry for her and guilty for avoiding her.
Being a non confrontational person....I am avoiding contact with her....who wants to walk on egg shells....Does she sound like a border line personality to you?
I am torn with these feelings.
bizi

My impression from your post is that the dominant personality is narcissistic.
Devaluing others, posturing pseudo manners (learned behavior), BOASTING about HERSELF, are big giveaways.

She may or may not be borderline...you need time to see if that fits.

I have a really good link to explaining how narcissists behave that is more geared to the layman than technical...I had a huge need for this information several years ago--a painful person in my life..and it never ceases to amaze me how accurate this author really is:

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

I think her husband knew how to handle her. And it is not an accident that they RV'd thru life...no entanglements there.

There is a personality book by Dr. Oldham, which has chapters on all the main types of people, and how to deal with them. His chapter on how to deal with narcissists and maintain your own boundaries is very good.

This is a brief outline of his book, which you can find on Amazon for a song.
It is the best layman's book on personality out there IMO. I have gone back to it over and over and recommended it to others who have loved it and used it well.
http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/oldham.htm

I know you want to do the best, most compassionate thing. But realize this lady is not capable of empathy, and is really as you observed "like a bull in a china shop".

The one thing for sure, is if you accidentally deliver a narcissistic injury (and you don't know where her "buttons" all are) she will most likely react with RAGE. They all do that. (it may be a little thing to you, but it could be huge to her).

You can email me if you want to discuss this further.

Also, since she is aging... there may be cognitive challenges involved as well. If she is mildly demented, that would
complicate things enormously and prevent her from behaving more rationally. (my husband's aunt comes to mind here-- that
was a huge issue for our family)

stay away from herdon't try to figure her out...try to figure yourself out..why do you want to put yourself in jeopardy to someone who doesn't want to help themselves? If she kills herself, so be it. She obviously needs help big time but she doesn't show any motivation. You can't motivate her. If you knew she were trying that would be a different story. If you have the time, look into volunteer work...DON'T FEEL GUILTY...THIS IS A TEST. HOW YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
lOVE
bobby

Bizi,

If you like some aspect of being around her, then see her. If not, you don't have to see her.

It's up to you. Let go of the guilt -- (I know, easier said than done.)

Mari

If this lady does not have any family or friends, is it possible for you to call a senior citizens group in your area? You could let them know what's been going on and your concerns and let them handle it. You are not responsible for this lady but I do commend you for wanting to help her. Not many people would do what you have done.

Ni my friend, Bizi
We have such huge hearts, but I think at times our souls use avoidance to protect ourselves. If LEslie was going to do harm she would have by now with the stress of the arrangements, emptiness, overwhelming grief. Maybe in a way she is reacting her teenage years.....Free spirted, and has to relears socialization as Harry maybe was the person that softened her edges.

It sounds like your avoidance did not harm her at ll if she says she is getting along and has activities. The worse thing would ahve been for your Husband to become her replacement Harry.

I will keep her in my prayers, we all can pray for her new life to open her sould to the life she has that is different then the one past, but can be a ray of sun on her face and showers of joy in her heart.

Bizi, I wish I could learn to do this, but sometime back in a grief group it was on a tape:
Put your hands cupped out in front of you, close your eyes and take all the concerns from the ehart and let them fall into your hands. When they are in there then lift them up and into the heavens let them go. God will do the rest.

There are things I choose not to let go.....But I do allow myself minimal time to hold in clenshed hands. God just has his hands wrapped around mine in comfort....

Don;t feel guilt over avoidance, She will be fine, she sounds like a survivor, and will rebulid....maybe she wull find a man and have that RV fever back again soon.
Hugs to you, your heart is so HUGE, So much so I can feel your hugs and love,
di

I went over there this afternoon and chit chated about her yard and our lawn...really normal stuff. We actually talked about going to a flower festival next weekend.....
I have decided to not be around her when she is drinking.
Thank you all so much for your support...
To be real honest with you...some times I feel like I don't know how to be a friend...don't know how to deal with people in real life...this is a chance for me to be human to her...I just need to make sure I am careful around her.
Does this make any sense...she needs friends....
Could I be a friend to her? I can try....

This sounds good, Bizi,

Be around her on your own terms.

M.

It is a difficult spot to have a neighbor like this.

If you feel you need to be available to her, I think you should
practice your boundaries.

1) You cannot change her..don't ever criticize her, or correct her. Narcissists love flattery, and compliments. If you stay on this level, you will be safer.

2) This relationship is all about HER (don't expect her to consider YOU at all or very often). If she needs rides to doctors, or things similar try not to talk about YOURSELF..anything you say of a personal nature will possibly end up behind your back.
Narcissists do not keep confidences, nor are they tactful.

The senior citizen clubs are a good idea. In my family they worked for a while.
But eventually the other members get the Narcissist's number and begin to avoid. It is not unusual that N's move around alot. If your neighbor shows this
inclination, I would encourage it. She has probably left many situations this way, moving into new neighborhoods.

3) Narcissists are good manipulators. They are also good actors. Don't let her "fool" you. They typically do not form normal intimate relationships..their capacity for intimacy is limited or nonexistant.

4) The best match for a friend or intimate is a person who was raised by narcissistic parents. These people understand the dynamic naturally, and can put up with things that others consider abusive.

The alcohol problem and the gun problem are very worrisome to me. So PLEASE do be careful!
( my husband's aunt became assaultive as she aged...she attacked people)

5) Try not to express affection for her verbally. Once a person does this, the
Narcissist often becomes worse/abusive and begins taking advantage. Keep everything very civil and neighborly.

I think it can be done. I think if you have the ENERGY you can do it. Just don't let the hurtful things or let your expectations disappoint you. You deal with patients after all, so you know how it can be. Keep her in that category.
And GOOD luck. You can always email me, if you need someone to talk to.

I just completed a class that discussed some of these issues.

Borderline personality disorder:
Cluster B: Dramatic, Emotional or Erratic
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, affects and control over impulses

Narcissistic personality disorder:
Cluster B: Dramatic, Emotional or Erratic
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior) need for admiration and lack of empathy


The alcohol, guns, weird behavior while she was at your home would be huge red flags for me.

I would be cordial and consider letting her know that if she has a serious emergency, she can call you.

Just saw your other post:
I agree, don't even think about having a conversation with her when she has been drinking.
And I would also keep your conversations relatively short and relatively infrequent.
Perhaps this way, there will be less room for arguments and she will appreciate your friendship.