sorry for not responding sooner jsut got in and read what you wrote.
I like the idea of you going in person to talk with them... not over the phone.
This is a great suggestion.
Your lawyer should be able to bring up your date december is too far away.

keep trying...things will work out.
we are listening.
bizi

bizi Thank you. I agree. I went to the Social Security office myself last Dec., and asked for a hearing,and filled out the paper work again,that's not to different from the other paper work. I don't think they read it..

My lawyer sent me a letter,and said he thinks that my hearing date will be in mid- December 2008. I don't know what this means,but he said that my case is still in review by SSD. I wonder why it has to be this way?

I'm still bothered by my sisters tone of voice,and the way she responded to me on the telephone. I don't understand her anger,sarcasm,and accusations. I haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like she is on the verge of hysteria.

She sounded downright cold hearted,mean,unfeeling,and uncaring. She's a different person. She had a uncanny bitterness towards our mother. Mom didn't do anything wrong. She doesn't like Dad. It branches out to some of our cousins,Uncles, and Aunts. She is full of anger. Because it's so sudden,I'm astonished.

She screamed at me on the telephone though when I was in another city,and she was enraged about something about 5 years ago. That hurt me. She didn't speak to me for about six months. She just up, and went bananas. I'm now pretty sure that her anger is not my fault.

It's 4:40 AM,and I'm trying to figure out whats going wrong. Why is this happening? Bad things have happened to me for no reason,and I have all of these emotional problems,and depression. I didn't know I'd ever end up at a dead end like this.They really make you sweat it out,on top of you being sick,and you wonder if you will be lucky enough to get a small amount of money to help you get by.

I guess I,m not the only on who's written like this. Job in the Bible went through a great trial,and he lost his wife I think,and his children I think. His friends didn't help. David while writing some of the psalms wrote about his troubles,pains,and sorrows. His soul was troubled in him he said. He went through great troubles,and trials.

When your in one,all you see is the dark,and experience the wind,and feal the cold. Much of my life has been like this. The great maize,the broken self image,the rejection,the pain,the shame,the division,the people who didn't understand so they attacked,the wall,the great wall,the cold wall,the wall of separation,the wedge,wedges driven between me ,and others,their words where like darts,and sharp arrows,the jungle. I feel like I've been through it all. Social services,social security,family,churches,doctors,hospitals,friends ,thieves,bullies,insurance American companies making things in China,Vietnam,Iraq,JFK,George Bush what in the world is he doing,Nuclear bombs,Asteroids,terrorists,hype,media,consolidated press removing the local news,binding laws,too many lawyers in Political offices,death,and taxes. Where do the suffering people go,and people consider it not,and don't care,except here. Thank you all for embracing me in my pain,I'm in very much pain right now,and alone. I'm always alone. I don't know how to get ride of this pain. I'm tired. Forgive me for jotting down these words that came to mind. I was wondering if it would help. BF

Bizi,sorry for side tracking the topic,I'm a mess,I've been on this thing all night.
 

I'm sorry for sidetracking the Ambien discussion. I didn't know I was so upset. My sister was fussing at me on the telephone. It was irrational,and I was wondering if she was trying to goat me into a argument. I held my peace. I know she's having inner conflict.

She's becoming a danger to me. All she talks about is money. Money is always the topic now, She knows that it bothers me. She is starting to remind me of my Dads explosive temper.

She has started a count down of when my money is going to run out. She promised that she wouldn't do what she's doing to me. I know that she knows she's bothering me,but she is doing it anyway. She must have lost concern for me. She has a traveling cold spot in her heart,and now it's on me. They just finished a lawsuit on a contractor.They are taking a former employee to court. I don't really know whats going on in these circumstances.

My dad exploded with temper at me,especially when he drank. He fussed,and vented on me after he got home from the office. I had to be really carful around him to not make him angry. He was already angry,and he let it out on me.

My bosses would vent on me. I hate being fussed at. Now my sister is manipulating me,and with these head trips,she's backing me into a box. I don't know what to do. Is it wrong writing this out hear? She said she hasn't talked to the family yet. I wonder what she meant by that.

She's goating me,she's mentally punching me,she's manipulating me,now I think that she is setting a trap for me by what I heard on the phone yesterday. She tried to say that I said something that I didn't say. I recalled what I said ,and remembered that she tried to make me walk into that one. What on earth is she doing. I'm not stupid,and I wasn't born yesterday. I think that she up to something,and she has broken her word. BF

I hope you can drive and have a car, that will really help you to get what you need done BF. I wish there was something that could be done to help your emotional state. But it sounds like your sister is really cold and angry. A very bad combination. Can you remember what it was like to be happy at some time in your life? Is it possible to recreate a happy place in your mind where you could go to escape the meaness of your sister so it won't affect you as deeply? Maybe I am wrong to suggest this, but it sounds like you're at the end of your wits with all these problems and no relief in sight, so I think you should maybe try to create your own relief.

See I lost a leg to the hip at 18, motorcycle accident, by all rights I should have bled to death in minutes because of how bad my injuries were. But the thing is that somehow I survived. One technique the psych doc taught me was kinda a self-hypnotism thing where I went to a place where I remember being most happy, my bedroom during the early 80's with all my Def Leppard posters and magazine clippings hanging up on the walls. It was to escape the pain even if it was just for a little while.

Now sometimes it helped and other times I felt worse afterwards, because it made me think of how my life would never be the same. I am telling you all this to try to help inspire you to think about what you DO have, so maybe you can find some emtoinal relief in that knowledge and recharge yourself to stand up and fight to keep it all. Getting SSDI is no easy task, they turn virtually everyone down the first two times and make you go in front of a judge. I cried at 19 and felt wretched for not having any skills that made me jobworthy. And I did get a few odd jobs over the years, but I just hurt too much now to work. And with the BP II I doubt I could handle the stress of a full time job anymore.

But the point is there are all kinds of pain, emotional pain is just as debilitating as physical pain IMHO, and I really feel for you. This is why we come here, to seek out comfort in our exchanges with others here, to develop online relationships where we don't feel as isolated as we did prior to coming here. There are some wonderful people here, but I know many are in pain just like you are, and I just want to say you're not alone anymore. Granted we can't come over and hang out and lift your spirits that way, by a re4al life visit, but THIS is real life too, and I hope my post lifts your spirits a bit, because you didn't ask to become Bipolar, it happened.

But you can accept it and try to move on and forward in your life. It was wrong of your sister to lay that guilt trip on you about "Your illness is affecting me" that is just plain old selfishness rearing its ugly head. She sound slike she resents having to help you and that could go back to your childhood together and have more to do with her being older then you and feeling like a surrogate mother to you, regardless what she's doing to you is wrong, it's manipulative and cruel. Just know that she's angry and do your best not to set her off. Granted you shouldn't have to live like that but because it sounds like you have no choice and have to depend on her, giving her some space and emotional distance might help you both.

I wish I had a magic wand and could speed up the hearing with Social Security for you but it takes them awhile because the system is so bogged down with people who need it just as much as your or I do. It's not a lot of money but it should be enough to get by. I would definitely look into getting SSI started if you can, I know there are rules that have changed since I got it so you're just going to have to do some legwork there and try to get situated on that program before you get on SSDI which will get you on Medicaid too. Are you seeing anyone for counseling or therapy? I'm with Mari on getting help right away, you're in a bad place right now and in need of help.

You definitely need to vent these feelings and IMHO a psychoatrist, counselor or therapist is just the ticket since they might be able to help you by offering strategies for dealing with your sister and your situation moreso then any of us can. But as far as what I've posted, I NEED to try to help, so if anything I said upset you I apologize, it's just my burning need to reach out and try to make a difference in someone's life who's suffering in pain like you are. I would do anything to ease your pain BF, I hope some of what I said helps and makes you feel a little better. :hug:

Keep us posted on how you're doing BF, take care. :)

ETA (edited to add) It's fine you're writing this out here, the point is that you're here and posting for comfort and we're doing our best to offer our support to you, hoping it is useful to you to hear that we think you're getting hurt by someone who promised to take care of you. She's in a position of power over you and it sounds like she's purposely trying to set you off, so knowing that you have to work extra hard to maintain your self-restraint and NOT give her the reaction she's hoping for to justify whatever it is she's planning. I have no idea of what that could be since I don't know all your circumstances, but you said it yourself, you're NOT Stupid, so take the high road here with her and rise above letting her guilt trips upset you at least while you're on the phone. THat having a countdown thing is just to upset you, and it's mental stress she knows you don't need. I want to call it abuse, but like I said, I don't know your situation well enough to call it that, but that is the first word I wanted to type there instead of stress....

Thank you Pamster
 

That means allot to me. Thank you for understanding my pain. I was very distraught last night,and I was just typing slowly what I was feeling. I was on hear all night. I think I was one here all night the night before also.

You have made me feal better. I know that you don't know my sister,and I'm trying to have a forgiving heart. She initially hurts me,then I forgive her.I wish that I could tell her she's hurting herself also. The emotions we have are not meant to contain,and entertain ill will,and hatred for other people,especially our family members. It has a detrimental affect on the person who hates,and is bitter.

I'm sure she wouldn't accept that insight from me,for she isn't accepting any of my thoughts,ideas,services,hobbies,songs,or anything. I think it's that big sister thing which doesn't make sense to me at our age.

I don't remember her,and I doing anything together when we where kids. She basically has condescending words about me when she talks about my youth. I think that she's blind to what she's saying to me.

The accusations,and scolding are different. I know that she knows deep down what she's doing,but she feels justified for some reason. I believe that is a delusion that she has. She has no right to be like this to me.

I'm sorry that you lost your leg in a accident. They happen so fast. I was on a bicycle,and I turned onto a road where gravel was loose. The bicycle quickly fishtailed,and the bike went down on its side. My little finger on my right hand hit the gravel. I was about 12. Part of the bone came out. A neighbor took me to the hospital,and that snapped the bone back in. I heard a snap. They sowed it back up. It's a little bent,thats all.

I get emotional pain at work working with other people. In my experience,I can't do enough. I've been used,badgered,harassed,and fussed at. I'm tramitised between work,church,family,bully types,and other failed relationships.

I feel like people are whispering about me now. It's eery. I hear distorted sounds that I can't decipher now,and I just want to get out of there. Many things have happened to me at work,because with my condition,I could never get a good job with nice people. In the places that I've worked,people have started problems,and started conflicts. It never stoped,and got worse after 9/11. They said in the beginning that this tragedy pulled us together. Then I watched it pull the nation apart. It was so sad.

I have a appointment with Social Services on Tuesday. I finally got there attention. There was a three week period of no communication. BF

Dear BF,
I am glad tha tyou have an appointment coming up...that is terrific....
am sorry that you have been suffering so.
With your OCD, you really have to be careful. It is very addicting to be on this computer...I understand...have that tendency as well so I have to use my brain and shut it off.
I don't know what coping mechanisms you use...what has worked for you in the past?
I am hoping that the wheels of change will begin for you...
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed,
I think I am depressed.
It has been sneaking up on me for some time...this is unusual for me.
Being bp1 and from past experience I can't take anti depressants...
this feeling of worthlessness will go away in time...I know that.
Maybe I am having a mid life crisis...just looking at what I am doing...
I know that I should be feeling really grateful for the abundancy in my life...
instead I feel judgemental and question my motives...
I still feel I need a kick in the pants....a wake up call...guess I have been saying that for a while now.
I have been on this computer too much, I think that I have too much time on my hands and not enough challenges or responcibility, nothing motivates me now....how do you guys get motivated?
bizi

I am so glad you got an appt with Social Services Tuesday BrokenFriend, I am also really glad I helped make you feel better. That was what I wanted to accomplish and the fact I did makes me feel good. Hang in there, you CAN get through this. :)

Well bizi, it's not easy sometimes, sometimes I make it and get that kick in the pants, other times that doesn't work. But like say I know I have to go shopping and clean up or something like laundry. I really hate laundry who doesn't right?

So I tell myself I can do whatever I want once I get the errands run and laundry at least in the washing washing up. Or in other cases say I have to shower for a dr appt, I force myself to do that because we ALL have to take care of ourselves that way. I don't let myself off the hook or else something might take hold of my mood like depression.

I sat here crying after that darn tooth broke, I understand hitting 40 and how it's hard to imagine the next stages coming for us, I look at mom who just turned 60 last October and it scares me. Today we went out and she had trouble keeping up. It's really frightening, the thought of getting older and losing abilities to get things done, I don't know if that's what is getting to you or not. I will read the other thread and comment more then bizi, but here are some big hugs! :hug: :hug: :hug:

Dear Pamster,
I read about your current problems with Jackie...am so sorry that he is heading in that direction...hate to hear that you are getting hurt.
Understand about looking into alternate living arrangements for him...
Your mother is young at 60...is she having health problems and under a doctors care...has she been to the office lately to be checked out or is she just aging fast?

Thank you for your reply....
I have 4 meds in my medicine cabinet....lamictal, geodon, ambien, klonipin....all of them are sedating except the lamictal but is used as an anti-manic med as well so techically it is sedating too.
I wonder which med does more to permanently effect our chemistry?
I wonder which is worse, being addicted to klonipin or ambien?
bizi

things don't look good, I took my ambien two hours ago and I am not tired....will go lay down still.
bizi