[Brokenfriend]

My dad does not want me to visit him. He said leave him out of my problems. My sister said she's not going to help support me. She has judged me,and turned her back on me. I've just emailed them both ,and told them that there hearts are cold,and they have lost their love,and concern for me.

I feel like riding out into the night. I have nothing to live for. I have no children. I've never married. Now my family have expressed there lack of concern for me,and I guess they don't care if I would die. If I die,they would be glad,because I'd be a burden off of their shoulders.

Then they'd cremate me ,and bury me as cheaply as they can. I know what my sister did to my mother,and she didn't want to be cremated. My sister has her remains,and has not buried her yet. This is cold. This is my family. They criticize their relatives. It makes me ashamed at there cold heartedness.

They have never considered me a real human being,and now I'm wondering if one of my family members wants me to end it all. I wish that I could. I may not wake up in heaven though. I'm deeply grieved,and wish that I where dead,but there is no escape.

Even our own President has no regard for us. He want's us to copay 50 percent of our medicare treatment for mental disorders. I'm thinking,how in the heck can I do that. I'm loosing all of my money waiting for SSD. If I could work,I'd be exempt from SSD. I'm loosing all of my money,and soon I'm going into my Lifes Savings 401K. How can we, if we have been sick all of our lives,and been unfairly paid,and used,and made a laughing stock of the group,and Social Security Disability has no regard for us,and rejected from our families,pay 50 percent copay for expensive mental disorder treatment. This makes no sense. It shows there's no concern,or consideration for me by my family,or government,the USA.

I'm absolutely,and undeniable sick of it all,and was shaking physically with emotion,anger,and shock at my family not caring for me anymore. I'm sick,and I cannot get the help that I need because of money,and cold heartedness on many sides of the family,and system in this country that is growing into a unhealthy idealism of politics,and status,and money. Everyone has a breaking point. Enough is enough. I'm sick of this. I'd like to end it all. Brokenfriend Doing better now (Saturday late afternoon)

[moose53]

((((((BF)))))),



I wish I could say something that would make it all better or that would make you feel better I didn't want to just read your message and not respond at all (especially when I'm having such a huge response in here ).

I know what it's like to have total shi*s for relatives -- I don't have anything at all to do with most of mine

You do know, I hope, that your value has absolutely nothing to do with any of them, right??

One way to get psychiatric care when you don't have the funds or you don't have the insurance is to get into a clinical trial. If there are any teaching hospitals near you, get in touch with them and see if they have anything that can help you. Some of them are trying new drugs or new methods of helping people that are having trouble coping.

I have some bookmarks for clinical trials, take a look and see if you can find something that might help: http://public.murl.com/moose53/HEALT...LINICAL_TRIALS (press the [page-down] key 4 times to get to the appropriate section)

I don't know what it's like to be saddled with a bipolar diagnosis, but, I do have borderline personality disorder (which is supposed to be a 'cousin' of bipolar) and also major depressive episodes since the age of 16.

I wish that no one had to suffer through what you and I have had to. Sadly, there's still a huge lack of knowledge about exactly what living with mental health disorders means. I believe that in the next 10 years or so, they'll be able to do just blood tests and diagnosis exactly where the brain is misfiring, rather than having to slog through herds of incompetent doctors and drugs that turn you into a zombie.

Know one thing, BF, and know it WELL -- there are people here and elsewhere that know what a treasure you are. It's sad that your family doesn't Try to search out and bring people into your life that share the same wonderful heart and soul that you do There are a lot of us out here.

Bless you. BIG HUGS.

Barb

[Jomar]

Sorry your family has taken that stand, but it could be just a temporary thing.

Have you joined any groups {church, clubs, volunteer}, or do you have any hobbies that you like to do?

[Dmom3005]

It doesn't seem the same but remember were always here as a family too.

We can't get to some things, but we sure can support and give as much
help as possible.

Donna

[Kitty]

Brokenfriend


I won't pretend to know what you're going through.....just wanted to offer a hug and to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I hope today is a better day.

[Brokenfriend]

Thank you big time Barb. I also thank the rest of you all,and will try to respond later. It's 6:12 AM,and I'm not tired. I'm absolutely astonished at what I've read from my family. I feel it deep to the core of my being,and am absolutely shocked,and dazed right now,and I can't get it out of my thoughts,and it's bringing me heart ache.

What ever happened to family ties,and bonds of love. Fatherly love,and sisterly love... what happened? I love them with all of my problems in the way,and my love is hurting right now. I just don't understand how Love waxes cold. It seems like waxed cold waxes cold other people,and I'm the second class citizen,and below them in their thoughts. This blows me away.

I thought love was higher then the sky,deeper then the sea,and wider then the Universe. Why does it shrink in some people? Why does it disappear to the very people who need it the most. Brokenfriend more broken at this time

[Abbie]

Brokenfriend,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand your pain.


Here is a site that my doctor gave to me...
http://www.nami.org/


The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers a information and referral line. 1-800-950-6264 (Mon - Fri, 10am to 6pm eastern)
http://www.nami.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Find_Support/Helpline/NAMI_Information_Helpline.htm

With help from my doctor (MD) and the local NAMI affiliate, I was able to find a local mental health provider who has a sliding scale fees for people such as me with little to no income. Your local NAMI affiliate may be able to offer you doctors or clinic locations who also work on a sliding fee scale.


Here is a link to the Health Resources and Services Administration site to find affordable healthcare. http://ask.hrsa.gov/pc/


Please Brokenfriend.... Just wanted you to know since you are experiencing an emotional crisis, family crisis, and/or having suicidal thoughts talking to someone may help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has trained counselors available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Don't wait. Call Now! 1-800-273-TALK (8255) I have called this number... the people I have talked to have been wonderful. They listen.

You can also call 911, your physician, or visit your local hospital's emergency room if you believe you are a danger to yourself. They will help you!!!

You are in my prayers.... Please keep talking with us!!!

Abbie

P.S. If you are needing assistance in obtaining your medicine(s) if you look at the medications forum... you will see many links for medication assistance.
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread13042.html

[bizi]

thinking of you this morning....
I am sorry for this, you don't deserve this treatment.
They have become toxic people for you now....
bizi

[mennayriu]

BF-

I somewhat understand, due to my own experiences. Please listen to Abbie and make some phone calls. I wish you all the best and we're here when you need.

[Brokenfriend]

After the second email from a family member,my thoughts where racing,and my emotions where crashing,and I was spiraling with inner turmoil. What is that? Is that Mania possibly? Last night I called a crises hotline,emailed a Pastor for a appointment,and posted here. Thank you. I'm better.

What is this? It's was different then when I was a kid. It's different now then when I was in my 30's. I seem to become more agitated by bad treatment. It has changed through the years. It wasn't a anxiety attack,or a panic attack. I was agitated,thoughts surged,emotions crashed,my thinking went into a frenzy. It's happening more,and more in the last 10 years.

I have OCD. That wasn't OCD. I wasn't psychotic I don't think. I was deeply grieved,troubled,crashing,spiraling,wanting to be dead,thoughts where riveted to a insecure future,a feeling of being abandoned,rejected,imaginations coming up from the past,pain in my chest from anxiety,deep depression,and I wanted to get out of here.

I survived it. I'm filled with insecurity about my future. I don't know why my sister keeps talking about money when I'm doing everything in my power to get the SSD,and she knows that I have emotional issues. Then she comes over and puts a two ton boulder on me,and thinks that I can handle it. I never can. How come she never learns.

She said it's reality. That reality makes me crash every time. Could she have a mental block,and both of our conditions are repeatedly crashing together? I have two different Psychiatrist's appointments,one my old,and one my new to see if it works out. I feel like I've been through a fight for my life. It's different now in the past 10 years. Do these disorders change? Brokenfriend (My head feels like it's in a vise though)