you are in a crisis situation...call your counselor and make an appointment for yourself ASAP.
You are a wonderful woman...never forget that.
bizi

Pam,
I agree with Bizi.
A counselor could be a big help right now.
M.

I will soon see about the cancellation list for seeing my Counselor. In the meantime I am going to try again to get into a place she referred me to for more in depth therapy. Every time I've called it's been one excuse or another about the person not being in who I have to talk to. Well I have to go fix Mr. Scarecrow's arm, it came off...Hehehehe, hopefully it will stay put this time.

Pamster,
I wish that we could fix things like you are fixing Mr. Scarecrow's arm.
That would be so cool.

In the mean time, hold on. You are going to be ok. You really are.

M.

I know I will be all right, I mean deep down I know it, but this will be like grieving about a death, losing both Jack and Jackie at the same time will be a hard blow, but realistically even with having aides out myself I couldn't DO it alone. So he'll have to go into an emergency placement.

I hear you.
Sad and lonely. And brave too.

Mari

Hmmm, how can I say this?

When a person is in a BAD situation. I mean a situation that is making them SICK. The best way fix it and to feel better is to look at it honestly. Are you happy in your situation? Can you change it? Can you change the other person? Do you want to stay or go? Answer these questions honestly to yourself. We women delude ourselves into thinking the only way to BE is to be with a man no matter how AWFUL the relationship is. I did it myself. BUT there is always a way to escape, you just have to figure that out. Some people drink to escape. Others take drugs, others cheat or gamble. However you chose to escape the daily misery, it's still escape. Short term escape. I found when you can't get OUT of something, you retreat INWARD until you can remove yourself from the situation permanently. But even after that happens it will still take a while to get over the damage and heal. It's taken me almost 20 years to be able to go to sleep without locking my bedroom door first. I'm getting better all the time but in small increments. Maybe by the time I die, I'll be all better.

I do drink a little bit, like two glasses of wine almost every night this month, I do it long before I take my pills for bed and long after lunch meds wore off. My Doc and Counselor said a little isn't going to hurt me as long as I stop when I said I do and I do. I don't have to have it, in fact I polished off the last glass of White Wine tonight and have no urge to buy more, even went to buy lotto tonight and ignored the wines.

I feel better having vented to you and to Mom, they are having us over tomorrow and I hope it goes well, you never know with Jack and her hubby in the same room, the tension can be cut with a knife at times it's so thick.

I think if three doctors all agree that he doesn't listen to me because of my being in a wheelchair that should be good enough for Jack, but it's not. Yet three of them do agree and make it four by adding my counselor into the mix.

I do harbor a lot of guilt about Jackie and when Jack goes off about my lack of parenting I get pretty angry because I have given this child all I can give and in Jack's eyes its never enough, yet I don't see the little guy complaining, he loves me and will continue to love me even though we won't live together anymore before the end of the year. The only thing I do to escape that pain is to put on my MP3 player and stick in the ear buds. I do that to escape Jack's verbal thrashing too. It works pretty well and I don't end up too upset.

I had a friend a few years ago, she also was in a wheelchair. Her situation and yours are almost identical.

Dear Pam,
You really have given Jackie a lot of love. And he feels it and knows it. That is important and beautiful.

M.