so happy to hear that you are doing this.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

http://www.schematherapy.com/


this might interest you.
bizi

Dear BJ,

Are you up to telling us what happened at the pdoc's and what is going on?

Do you feel better?

I'm sending prayers and good thoughts.

M.

It didn't go well. I didn't tell her, I couldn't get it out.

I often notice myself avoiding eye contact with her. Almost every appointment I begin by explaining how I am feeling and what has taken place since I've seen her last. During this time I always look away, staring at the corner of the door, or the books on her shelf; looking anywhere else but at the person I am talking to. During this time I almost always feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed for not getting better, ashamed of the way I act, ashamed for not doing the things I know I need to do to get better; like eating better, and spending more time with other people.

Usually about half way through my session I begin to feel less anxious and my gaze moves towards her face. Wednesday this never happened. I spent almost my whole appointment staring at the bookshelf. I recognize this is a problem. My avoidance of eye contact is a reflection of my fears of being rejected by her, my low self esteem, and how much guilt and shame I carry inside me.

As soon as I began to talk a flood of tears began pouring out of me and as they came I felt so alone, helpless and hopeless. I started to feel like I was a burden to her. I started to feel like I was going to lose her support if I don't get better faster. I started to feel like it is my fault I'm still so depressed. It's my fault the medications are not working, it's my fault for what happened to me.

I was thinking last night how I believe in God - someone else being in control of my destiny. It is like I cannot accept I have a mental illness and that I have little control over some aspects of how I feel or act. I feel like it is my personal responsibility to make myself feel better and I am failing miserably. When I go high....I can see it is like a light switch gets turned on and I did nothing to affect my high mood, but when I am low, I feel like I did, or am doing, it to myself.

God, I need a shut off switch on my brain.

Dear BJ,

Thanks so much for posting.
I was wondering how it went.

It's ok that you couldn't tell her. You will tell people when you are ready.

Do you feel that she is on your side? Is she mostly helping you.
Maybe if you cannot tell her in person, you can send her a letter, email, or phone message.


How are you getting through your days? Do you have good coping strategies that you can rely on?

M.

Thank you for posting BJ,
I am glad that you were able to express yourself here...this is a good thing...I am glad that you trust us enough to share...continue doing this.
I like Mari's suggestion to sending the letter to her.
just put a stickie on it explaining that you wanted to tell her this but couldn't.
This is a much easier way to get the information to her.

((((HUGS))))
bizi

I've felt the same way. Sorrow,to Sorrow. Hang in there. BF

this might be off the wall but do you ever feel angry. Even though i am a mess once I learned that i was bipolar II and the other things, i finally began a new path of not beating myself up as much. Knowing it was a chemical imbalance instead of psychological weakness put a whole new light on things.
Can you beat yourself up if you limp because you may have broken your leg? Would you be ashamed because you broke your leg?
I just have a feeling you might have a lot of anger that you are bipolar and deep down you don't think it is fair to carry this burden.
Maybe i rationalize but i say it is a gift from God because it draws us closer to the great unknown because of our incredible suffering. At least for me, the pills dont work that well and my doctor has tried a lot of them. The pills have caused me to become diabetic, have high blood pressure, have gained around a 100 pounds and have high cholesterol.
Does anything get you angry? What are the things that get you angry? could you list them for me?
Are you proud of anything about yourself? You know you are a hero for being able to bear the harsh symptoms of being bipolar. In a way your hands are tied and you have to learn to live with it and learn ways of nurturing yourself and not feel selfish when you do but feel successful.
When you look at another person with a limp, do you say that person should feel ashamed that she can't walk normally or do you feel admiration that she is coping?
I hope you give me a big list of what things make you angry.I wish each day at least a few times a day you could look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a hero for bearing the burden of being bipolar
Bobby

I just typed up the email to my pdoc and attached the pictures and the explanation of what went on but I haven't had the nerve to push send yet.

I do trust my pdoc Mari. When I told her I've been cutting she told me that people will judge me for all sorts of things, maybe it is important to let things go and allow the judgment and maybe allow my embarrassment to happen. (to learn I can't be embarrassed to death). This is the reason I'm afraid to let her know. I sense a big part of her job, and therefore her relationship with me, is to judge me (to judge my wellness, my personality, my pathology, etc.), I feel fearful, that while outwardly she is accepting me, inwardly she just thinks I'm a complete loser. A failure as a human being. I'm coping by having Hooper to love and hold, she won't judge me, and by working in my garden, I feel safe there.

I'm not angry Bobbi. I never, ever get angry. The only thing that I can honestly say that makes me angry is animal abuse. I have big dreams and a mind that can handle them. I just have to allow them in my life, to stop hating myself so much. God has blessed me with a gift that allows me to think on a level totally different than most other people. To see things in a totally different light yet most people call it a disease. But then there are people in the world who make fun of you because you have a mental illness. I got this in an email this morning from someone and I think I know who. I tried to reply but he/she must have deleted their account because it came back undeliverable. Does this make me angry? No, it tore through me like a knife. I don't have multiple personalities, I disassociate and there's a big difference. I confided in someone and they slapped it in my face. This is why it's so hard for me to open up.

bj, i saw the cartoon first. my first thought was that it was a joke against your employer. that they would think of something like that. a way to "use" you to make more money.

i don't know what the person was thinking who sent it. or their reason why.