I do feel better that I finally told my pdoc but I’m so afraid of what will happen now. I know I had to tell someone sooner or later because it’s just not right. When I was in the hospital the nightmares came back and I was screaming in my sleep. That’s when they called my pdoc and had her come down to talk to me. Now I can’t stop thinking about it and tried to sleep but I was reliving it again. That’s why I’m terrified, I have to relive it again and possibly see them face-to-face. I know my heart’s racing but I’m scared. My pdoc knew the long holiday would be hard on me being so isolated so she reminded me of the grounding techniques to get myself present, in the moment. I’m supposed to go back to my new tdoc on Wednesday but my pdoc suggested I cancel because she knows how stressed out I get.

I saw no one Sunday,or Monday. No one called. I feel very isolated right now also.

I know how it is. How are you doing?

I'm sorry. I'm speechless right now.

I want to say ,"Hi". I hope you feel better soon. You've been through so much. May God help you through all of this.

You've been so troubled. I feel so sorry for you.

No one should suffer so much.

Read Psalm 23. He is with you. God will never leave you,nor forsake you. BF

Me BP

I am not sure what has happened. But I will keep you in my prayers.

My life is just a real mess, but my stupid internet has been down for
weeks.

Donna

Dear BJ,
Keep doing the grounding techniques. I hope that they can work for you.
Mari

((((hugs))))) and prayers.

I’m coping the best I know how but I feel like I’m crashing. Last time I had ECTs I crashed but I was still in the hospital. I’m upset and worried because the cardiac doc told me I had 11 episodes in 2 days so he put me on beta blockers to try to slow my heart down.

Tomorrow I see my new tdoc. I have to talk to someone and my pdoc feels it best I get the ball rolling with her. I wish I could spend more time with my pdoc but she's mostly there for the meds. There are things I can’t seem to get out, cannot seem to say to anyone. Probably important things, but shame, guilt and fear hold me back. I feel ashamed about things I do, or feel and the words to explain these will simply not come out, no matter how hard I try to get them out. I think over and over that I should talk about these things, but it is as though I am physically mute, unable to speak about certain things I do or feel.

Often this fear of embarrassment, or abandonment, or punishment holds me back for months before I can finally say what I want to say. Every time I have done that she has reacted in an accepting and positive way. So why do I still find it hard to talk about some things?

Dear Bj,
YOu are doing a great job right here.
So continue practicing telling us as much as you are able or feel comfortable sharing.
I also think that you could write out a time table of when things have hapopened to you sort of a cheat sheet...it will have dates of important events in your life, something to help keep dates straight so your not trying to remember things, dates places etc. I always bring mine with me to use as a reference, I need it at my last Mdoc appointment last week.
I also use this to keep copies of my latest blood work, pap results, mammo too. It also has a brief write up about my family history as well....i can't remember all of that information.
just a suggestion for you.
Hang in there dear girlie.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Love ya. Keep hanging in there. BF

I was supposed to make a time line and bring it in today Bizi. I couldn't do it so I won't be starting off on the right foot. I stayed up most of the night looking at photos, report cards and my college stuff to try to jog my memory. My memory for past events is shot even though I know I've blocked a lot out. It has been since the latest ECTs. But the one thing I want to block out won't leave me, it's consuming my thoughts and dreams. I keep telling myself that I'd give myself time and time and yet more time in order to try and not push too hard about this whole memory thing. I figured the more I worried and stressed the longer it would take for things to get back to what's acceptable to me.

Well this sure isn't acceptable! I have so much trouble remembering words so I hope I can talk to her today. Today was scary because the phone rang, I answered it and then froze, no words came out of my mouth so I just hung up. I have a funny feeling that will happen today.

Do you have any anti anxiety meds?
maybe some benadrylwould relax you a bit...maybe your pdoc would prescribe some klonipin for you?
((((HUGS))))
bizi