I don’t know whether to scream or cry. My appointment today with my psych was absolutely horrible. I walked in in tears and left in tears. He had the nerve to tell me that I have to “accept” that this is my life. He was upset that I didn’t have my mood journal filled out correctly. I can’t fill it out because I don’t know how I feel. Gosh I don’t even know who I am anymore let alone track it. I started to talk about my mom and he said this is not about your mom it’s about you. He said you’re bipolar and keep repeating it to yourself because you’re in denial. Vent, scream whatever you want but yes you are bipolar.

The tears started to flow and I walked out. The office called and said to increase the Abilify to 20mg. Whoopee!! I tried to explain that I don’t think it’s helping but no response. I feel myself falling and I don’t want to go there again. Will I go back there? I doubt it.

((((((BJ)))))),



I'm not BP so I don't know what that "feels like". I've spent a lifetime with depression.

I've gone through every single type of therapy and 'thingie' that's ever been invented -- pretty much

If that person had been rude and crude and confrontational with me, I probably would have slugged him/her and then walked out. But ... you know him/her better than I do.

In my experience, you've got two ways of going forward with this thing:

1. The easy way -- Walk away and stay away.

2. The hard way -- The tears and the pain indicate that a really raw nerve was struck. That's probably something that you need to work on. In my experience, when I worked out those painful bits, the rest of it was cake.

The most effective therapy that I had was over a period of about 5 years. Weekly when I had good insurance. And when I could afford it, when I didn't have insurance. I wrote all the time and shared my writings with my doctor. I worked things out in my head and in my writing so I could understand why I was where I was.

I've learned that The Universe continually puts lessons in front of us that we HAVE TO LEARN. The ones that are the hardest are the ones that bring the tears out.

Honey, it's not about the words that he/she used that caused you to walk out. It's the reaction that you had. And WHY you had that reaction. And WHY you had that reaction at this time in response to whatever he/she said to you. That's gonna keep coming back and coming back until you work it out.

There's nothing WRONG with having BP. It's not a character flaw. It's just that the chemistry in your head is screwed up. One day, they'll be able to test us for certain brain chemicals and if one is missing and is causing depression, they'll replace that one. If a different one is missing and is causing BP, then they'll just replace that one. They might even be able to do that kind of testing before we're even born.

In the meantime, the best tools that we have are good drugs that are RIGHT for us, and good doctors who really CARE, and our own will and determination to make changes in our lives.

It's up to you to decide whether or not you can work WELL with this doctor. If you can, then you need to realize that the tears are a tool to guide you to where the most work is needed -- sort of like the drip-drip in the dam is where the leak is -- and that's the part you have to work on.

There is nothing WRONG with you for having BP or me for having depression or anyone for any of the thousands of other screwed up chemical thingies that we come down with. I believe a lot of it caused by the astronomical amount of chemicals that are poured into the environment every day by the manufacturing processes.

Take a deep BREATH. Have a nice conversation with yourself about where you want to go from here. Write it down if you can. The writing will help you later -- sort of like a cookbook. Then you'll know what your next steps need to be.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

Dear BP,
Find a therapist who can help you fill out a mood chart each week.

Then find a new pdoc, one who will work with you at your own pace.

I'm sorry that you went through this. I had a few traumatizing appointments with mdocs who were not patient.

Mari

How awful that must have been.
I remember my first therapisst...I kept talking and talking and she never said anything....after many sessions of this....I finally blew up at her and ran into the bathroom crying and was hysterical...wanted to know when I was going to start feeling better...
she said in time.
Please know that you are walking in the shoes of many others before you and that this is a proces of understanding and acceptance...which will not come over night.
It took me years to finally accept this.
Be patient with yourself....
keep posting.
Start journalling...you can work on things at home then report back to your therapist or pdoc with your work.
hang in there....
we are here for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

thought i'd leave these here for you too mebp

I think it is time to find a new p-doc. There is no excuse for him/her talking to you in that way.

You need to find a p-doc that you feel comfortable with.

Good Luck, Hugs, Nikko

Just wondered how you were doing today?
hang in there...it does get better....
small baby steps....
find people who make you feel good about yourself and surround yourself with them...stay away from people who don't.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

We had it out yesterday good and proper. I told him he had no right to not let me talk about what I wanted to. I tried to explain that I am trying but it's been a lot harder than I thought. He was very upset that I left and I told him how would you feel? He said I have to try harder to accept it and if I am not willing to work with him that he can't help me. He also said I shouldn't have been taking steriods without consulting him. Is that my problem? I think my primary should have checked. I just do what they say. So I hung up.

I just went to pick up my Abilify and Effexor at the pharmacy and there's nothing there. The pharmacist said he never called it in. Now I'm out of everything. I'll keep calling and calling until I find out what he's doing.

((((((BJ)))))),

He CAN'T just leave you hanging with no medications. That's bordering on malpractice. You can go into serious withdrawals if you don't take your Effexor.

If he feels that he can't work with you (or you with him), then he needs to make sure that you're set up with someone else or at least make sure that your medications are taken care of by someone (primary care doctor??) until you get hooked up with someone else.

I hope you get this worked out. I'm sorry he turned out to be one more aggravation on top of others.

Take care of yourself. BIG HUGS. Call your primary care physician if you can't get in touch with this guy. I take Effexor and I went into horrendous withdrawals within 7 days of not taking it last winter when I couldn't get to the pharmacy because of the weather.

Barb

PS: Oh, one more thing about the steroids. I go into HUGE RAGES for about two weeks after getting epidural steroid injections for my back. Other people in the spinal disorders disorders forum have mentioned having the same results. If you just started the 'roids, that could be seriously affecting you temperament and your ability to cope. MORE HUGS.

OMG - you can't go without your meds. Check again today and see if they have been called in, if not call him. If not call your PCP, if that doesn't pan out, then you have to go to the ER and explain the situation. I truly hope you get this settled today.

Withdrawal is not something to fool around with.

hang in there.....hugs, Nikko