I know where I went wrong now. I've been obsessing over this situation and where I went wrong. I know now without a doubt it was when I let Jack back in the house after being on my own with Jackie for a year. I shuldn't have given in and let my own needs to be back with him override what I should have known would happen. You see THAT was when I lost my parental control over my son. I KNOW it was as such as my neck hurts like hell right now from his charging me and flipping my chair over Sunday night.

Jackie yells almost all the time, it's very frustrating but I at least can tune it out unless he gets that tone of "Help me I'm hurt!" then I hear it and rush to his side. Jack on the other hand can't get this skill down. Never has and never will because he just can't for some reason. Whatever, not my problem. Now when he first came back he was fine but would sometimes MAKE me give IN to Jackie's demands after I had waited ten to fifteen minutes to prove my intention to NOT give in.

I KNOW THIS IS WHEN I LOST CONTROL TO JACK...

He won't admit it of course, the stupid @$$, he said that it only happened a few times, not enough and that Jackie was so young it cuoldn't be the reason he won't listen to me now. I think the therapists and the doctors would disagree however and today when they come out, (The behavior analyst and the behavior asst. I will run it by them and see if I am right. BUt I know I am...and it makes me so wicked angry at myself for letting Jack back in the household after making it on my own for a year with Jackie.

So now I really honestly believe I have no hope of regaining that lost control, mainly because Jack still does this crap, making me give Jackie something I don't and fought to not let him have. So I am gonna try another approach, I am going to just NOT make any decisions for Jackie, and force Jack to sleep in this God-awful bed he's made for us...He won't like it and that's tough, if the two BA's today agree that this is the root of the problem coupled with my being disabled, then I seriously might end up leaving the house before the end of the holidays.

It's not that I don't want a family, I do, but it's not worth dying for at the hands of my son, or being crippled by him is it? We got into it the night I got flipped and he's always so quick to say how horrible of a parent I am because I have no control, well I fought back and raised this point with him saying that it was because he STOLE my FN control back when he first returned...I have such rage right now, at him. I would like to have faith in the people trying to help, but I think it's far too late for me to ever be an authority figure to this child again.

I said group home again to JAck the othre night and he got so mad, but whatever, he's not the one who's sitting here on major steriods, ibuprofen AND Norco with a muscle relaxer to try to heal the damage that has most assuradly been done to my neck yet again. Yes again. THis original injury was from this kid head butting me in the center of my back partially herniating C4. I have asked myself how much more can I take because I really am done here if this round of ABA (Applied Behaior Analysis) fails to recover what I've lost and I am 95% sure it WILL fail, so why suffer any longer? WHy try?

It's not that my son's not worth it, it's just he has been getting stronger, and I am getting older, I can't fight physically against him when he chokes me from behind and that isn't good on my neck, and he refuses to listen to me at home when we're alone. Meaning Jack is in the other room having HIS Feaking 'ME' time which I barely get any of unless the kid is sleeping or at school. I mean I can't even go in the bathroom and be alone, it's just a horrible way to live my life.

So yesterday Jack got worked up again and wouldn't listen to me to STFU in front of Jackie, and he succeeded in upsetting the kiddo, and then I had to deal with the fallout with the Behavior ASst. after he'd gone back to his man cave to have his selfish me time...I have no more sympathy for this man anymore...He told me if I wanted to just give up then to get out and go live with Mother, ever since he's said it I can't stop thinking about it...I mean I've long since lost the battle for control here, I am a target for Jackie's violent outbursts and vulernable to these impulsive attacks and feel I need to be away from this child even if it breaks my heart, the time to have been strong was back when Jack and I were thinking of getting back together, I Shuld have said NO, you CAN't move into MY HOUSE because I KNOW you'll freaking take it over and ruin the relationship I have with my son...*Sigh*

BUt I was weak. Jack said yesterday he is more in shape and CAN take care of Jackie now and that he would keep him from being put into a group home but I don't think it will last. I just don't see it working out and I resent him now so much, it's just awful, I can't talk to him about this stuff or he gets mad and I am sick of his anger being expressed and vomitted all over me. It's a matter of time before I'm at Mother's place, I know it's coming. The question is just a matter of when. I just need the emotional support to DO the right thing, I know what that is but it's gonna be as hard as it was giving birth to Jackie to get moved out and adjusted. BUt I have to do it...what choice do I have?

Quote:

I KNOW THIS IS WHEN I LOST CONTROL TO JACK...

Dear Pammy,
Did you mean jackie or control of Jack?

It sounds like you have made your mind made up.
Do you have a therapist to help you sort this out?
Jack is jackies father right?
So he would have to pay some child support right?
If you moved in with your mother would the assistance still be available, how does your mother handle jackie, could she help support you ?
Is it really an all or nothing sort of solution?
I am jsut throwing some of these things out at you....
It sounds unbearable what you are putting up with.
What about having a respite?
Is there a place that he could be placed on occasion, a group home just to give you a break? Could you be able to get a part time job with the caregivers watching him to give you an outlet/finacial assistance, you would be wonderful as an office assistant. You are still allowed to earn some income and be on ssdi I believe. I think it is less than $700 a month here is the limit.
I know that you are a writer and him being off of school puts greater demands on you so that is really worrysome/abusive to you and does not allow you to do wht you love to do.
And I hear your resentment.
I hear your frustration.
This is multifaceted.
again do you have a therapist to help you sort thru all of this, maybe there are other choices/options available to you that you are unaware of.
I am feeling for you today and want to help....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

This brings tears to my eyes what you have been through and are going through again.

I know you must be feeling helpless, but there has to be options out there for you, that you don't even know about. You can't live like this anymore.

All I can say is start with your p-doc/therapist and they will help you seek out options for you.

Please take care, go to your mom's for now, if you feel that is best for the time being.

Please keep posting and vent all you want. Thinking of you and sending prayers.

Hugs,NIkko

Pam,

It almost doesn't matter what happened to put the chain of events in place -- I say this so that you can release the blame you are doing. It is not your fault.

Please protect yourself.
I'm a little angry right now that Jack wants to blame you instead of trying to protect you. (It's really darn close to abuse. A DV counselor would tell you this I imagine.)

I guess he doesn't want any changes.

You will be fine. So will Jackie.

Mari

Pam,

It is horrible that you have to go through this. I think the others gave some good advice. Think of yourself 1st cause it doesn't appear that Jack or Jackie are. I know it's got to hurt and I feel for you.

befuddled2

Well the behavior analyst has some good ideas and I think it might actually work in time, question remains, will it work fast enough to prevent another flipping incident. If things get bad like that again I won't hesitate to pack a bag and move in with mother. We talked about it today since she came over and met both the B-have Asst. And B-Analyst. They both are young and enthusiastic, with lots of ideas for what we can do. We're going to put a stop sign on the back of my chair and we started a new way for him to help me get around, instead of being behind me, he stands to the side and pushes on one side while holding my hand with his other.

THis is to prevent the choking from behind thing. So we'll see how it goes. ALso they talked more about giving him some replacement activities and we currently have two bins, one is now set up with group game like activites and the other is one set up for him to do alone. Ideally and what we're aiming for is to be able to tell him to get what he wants he'll have to do his bin first, while I am doing something else. We talked about more but we'll see, I have more hope then when I posted this morning. THey came right after I posted too.

The B-Asst will be coming almost daily for like 3 hours-5 days a week, and that will help me a lot. I can't wait for TOmorrow's turkey, JAck makes a great turkey, even if he can be one, he knows how to cook them. LOL. ANyway, I talked with mom and she said the next time he gets like that (Talking about Jack) to tell him that I can call her up and leave anytime, "Is that what you want?" and then to DO it...So she's ready to take in me and Mr. T both. Though I may have to fight Jack on taking Turtlini, I WILL fight for it...

We went out today after Mom met both B-havior people and we had a nice time. I hope that things work out but if they don't and I have to leave to feel safe I am out of here. I would hate to leave, but I think Jack is wrong, it won't destroy me, I think it will make me stronger in the end because I will be getting a new career going, either way, writing or going back to school for COmputers. I will not waste the rest of my life.

Thank you all for the advice and kind words, it's just what I needed to hear and I am glad to report that I DO have a glimmer of hope, that they are going to be real in helping us, we'll see in time, but right now I am of the mindset to not take any ***** anymore. Instead of writing actively, because after the flipping incident I couldn't go any further, it was just a dead end emotionally, so I started from the beginning and am editing to tighten it up.

Part of this up and down emotional garbage is the effects of no more paxil, I know it is, but when I asked the B-Analyst if I was right, she said yes, but when I asked if there was any hope of regaining that lost parental control, she said absolutely, not Yes, or maybe, but ABSOLUTELY...And she went on to talk, asking about the things he can do and can't do verbally and about his comprehension on expressions. It gives me SOME hope, but I recognize even with their help it might not be possible for ME to remain here. We've got six months left on the lease and I am shooting for that because that is the time frame of this course of ABA that we have to go through to see if it helps or fails again before the state will even consider placement for him.

So much is up in the air, it's just awful, but I am smiling through it all. With friends like you guys I know I CAN make it no matter what. I got five garbage bags full of Jackie's and My clothes that are getting donated to the thrift store I like to go to. THat is just a start because I still have over three full dressers of clothing that I have to go through again and try to thin out some more for when the time comes and I have to move in at Mom's. I know its coming, but we'll see when, she's ready now and has been so it's good.

This all sounds very healthy with options....
and your mothers support.
thank you for posting.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Pam,
Your mother and you are preparing for the future.
You are both wise.
M.

Thank you so much for being such good friends, you DO understand. I am thinking that I need that MRI next week rather then waiting longer, it hurts pretty freaking bad and I have promised myself that IF I am injured badly (like fully herniated now instead of partially or two discs or the link injured) I will move out by New YEar's...If not sooner. I knew you were worried so that was why I wanted to post about how I DO have some hope now, but if I am hurt worse I can't justify being here in danger any longer. So Mom is on call and that makes me feel better.

Edited to add: I just got off the phone with my mother and told her of this decision and she agrees. So we'll see what the MRI shows.

Pam

You did a great job. Getting everyone on board.

Keep up the optimistic attitude.

Donna