NeuroTalk Support Groups

NeuroTalk Support Groups (https://www.neurotalk.org/)

- Bipolar Disorder (https://www.neurotalk.org/bipolar-disorder/)

- - Co-dependant? (https://www.neurotalk.org/bipolar-disorder/62466-co-dependant.html)

Quote:

Originally Posted by tritone (Post 418638)

I think you've been *wonderfully* supportive to us here...

thank you tritone,
I think that the support at the co-dependant support group is different than the support here on the forums if that makes sense, I said in a prior thread that I want to be more like my on line self in real life.
I freeze most of the time unable to participate in conversations due to many fears....I am just starting this process again.
no quick fixes here. The group is very supportive in its own way, it is more thoughtful and internal work, that is where I can improve my self esteem, it is an internal job no one can do this work for me.
thanks again for your support.
bizi

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi (Post 418691)

thank you tritone,
I want to be more like my on line self in real life.

-

Me too...

As for the person crying, your reaction and this allowing the person to grieve comment - I'm not sure.

It reminds me of the idea that parents shouldn't "spoil" their kids when they are little by giving them too much attention, or not picking them up when they cry, etc... I don't agree with that idea.

I think it is human nature, healthy human nature. You felt uncomfortable because you were identifying with her pain. I don't think that is bad. I certainly don't think it is inhibiting her.

If she were trying to manipulate the group with her crying I might understand it a little bit more, the same way I'd understand a parent trying to push a slightly older child into being more independent. But even still - I don't see how your feelings or comforting her were wrong or not helpful.

It would be the therapist's job to steer the group back on course - then maybe force her to work out those feelings with the group that would allow you all collectively to see it for what it was - an attempt to manipulate, or just a release of emotion...

Yes, it is easy to sit here and make comments or analyses... But its what we do and I think it is really helpful. I've carried these online conversations into my "real" life many, many times... It does take time. The beauty of these online forums is that we can process things with other people, over a period of time, and with an anonymity we don't have in the real world... Its like practicing an instrument or studying... At some point the learning becomes practical knowledge and we incorporate into our real lives.

At least it seems to work that way to me...

Wish I could just hook myself up to that machine they have in the Matrix and download it :D That was deep...

I can see what the therapist is trying to do; but when it comes to the woman crying I'm with you. There is no way I could sit there and watch someone's heart breaking and do nothing while they cry. The little pat was an act of kindness and empathy, not co dependancy. You didn't try to talk for her, you didn't try to interfere with her grieving...you just offered a kind hand.

I am glad that you have goals for these groups! You will be able to take what you need, and use those parts to your advantage!

You are right tritone, I don't know her reasons for crying I never thought that she might be manipulating the group to get attention...These are her friends. I guess people cry in public for many reasons.
I rarely cry... I cried more in the past few weeks but have been hypomanic...is that the only way that I can express myself allow myself to have feelings and express them is when I am hypomanic?

Do you cry in front of other people?
Is crying linked somehow to being vulnerable?
bizi

I cry at movies, when they light the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, and begin the Macy's Parade... I very, very rarely cry at real things. I cried at my Dad's funeral. I only cry at the most traumatic things - other than the movies/etc...

I thought about this quite a bit. The theory I came up with is that the real stuff is just too overwhelming - whereas the lighting of the tree or whatever just touches itty bitty little pieces of things that I can have feelings about without falling apart in a bigger way. Does that make any sense?

I grew up with that thing that men aren't supposed to cry - and that strong/accomplished/successful people don't cry. I guess I realized that was pretty much false, but I still felt embarrassed. Not so much vulnerable as embarrassed. The last time I cried in front of anyone was that doctor in that nasty place back in May.

Maybe being hypomanic you give yourself the ok to express those things. Or maybe being hypomanic they just have a little more power and presence.

Sometimes I wish I could just have a good cry about things. I find it hard. On the other hand, playing music or working on some creative/fun project can sometimes be as cathartic.

I of course don't know anything about the woman in your group. I know that some of us have issues where we crave attention from other people and I read into this that perhaps your leader was saying not to comfort her because you were feeding that habit or something... Regardless of whether she was sincere or not sincere I still think that you should be allowed to act on your feelings to reach out... If she were truly not sincere, then it would be the therapist's job to gently place focus on her, why she was crying, how other people reacted, etc... Of course I don't know any of this for sure, that was just the picture I formed.

What really bothered me is that you felt bad about reaching out. That's just wrong.

PS - when I say "some of us crave attention" I mean I sometimes do. I wasn't meaning this in reference to anyone in particular.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi (Post 418991)

I am having a hard time understanding how vulnerabilty plays into relationships in general.
This is required for true intimacy.
How do you learn to be truely vulnerable?????
bizi

Hi,
I think that being vulnerable has to be with trusting another enough to accept commitment, . . opening your heart . .
Also about being comfortable about accepting help from others. Here are some things that I found.
Mari

The Power of Vulnerability (in the work place)

http://organicleadership.wordpress.c...vulnerability/

Quote:

The greatest collaborations are based on shared vulnerability. Opening your mind and heart to others enables you to match your challenges and ambitions with theirs — and find the common ground needed to do great things together.

Keep yourself guarded, and others will respond in kind — which hinders all but superficial success. Leadership requires the courage to make yourself vulnerable before others you want to inspire or guide, and anyone with whom you intend to create something of lasting value

Vulnerability.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-s..._b_112448.html

Quote:

It's okay to take off that armor, Lancelot. It's too heavy and hot, anyway. Vulnerability is when you are open to letting things in. Want more money? You need to be vulnerable.
Need help from others? Vulnerability. Learning about your blind spots, or something new about marketing ... yup, vulnerability.

It's the ability to say "I don't know." It's the willingness to risk falling in love, and opening your heart. It's when you say: "I can't do it on my own. Can you help me?"

On this entire list, I rate vulnerability as the single most important success indicator for small business owners. Without it, you're alone in the world, and can't receive what you need. And, it's hard to access the other four qualities without it.

Enhancing Vulnerability To Master Perfectionism

http://www.streetdirectory.com/trave...ectionism.html

Quote:

One of the ways a person must advance past perfectionism is to deal with and gradually become more and more vulnerable. Every good perfectionist knows that this is VERY scary.

• Vulnerability involves allowing oneself to be open to feedback—both positive and negative from others.

• Vulnerability also involves the real risk that a perfectionist will have to experience moments of fragility, weakness, and pain.

• Vulnerability means risking feeling trapped in a situation—either by circumstance, or emotion, or mental blocks.

• Vulnerability takes one through the unknown waters of life on life’s terms.

• With vulnerability, one is able to look backwards and glean all the lessons, compile their history, learn and become a much stronger individual!!

• Yet being vulnerable, even with one trusted ally, allows the former perfectionist to slowly evolve: to slowly see themselves, their life, their history… and to be ok.

Some suggestions:

Quote:

* First you will need to enlist the help of at least one outside person for accurate feedback. This can be a trusted friend, a pastor, chaplain, sponsor, or coach. You are to seek out someone that you can develop closeness to, someone that you feel safe with: someone that will verifiably love and support you while you take these risks in opening up.

* Second, take one significant area of your life and open up yourself to this person. Choose an area where you know you struggle with other peoples perceptions of how you look in that area. Begin to share about a current or former situation.

Share your joys, share your struggles, share your doubts. Ask questions. Listen to feedback. Be willing to accept insight, help, and accurate views about yourself. And take note of how this response in no way negates their high opinion of you already. To the other person—you will begin to become a real person, someone human and able to be related to.

* Lastly, begin to slowly extend this new adventure of trust to other people around you. It is important that in the beginning you become vulnerable to trustworthy people. If you open up to someone you respect and value. Inappropriate people will always give you feedback that you discount. Your goal is to realize you don’t have to be superhuman to be loved, accepted, and fit in. So choose wisely.

I'm not actually advocating these actions because I don't know about this stuff.
In the spirit of sharing, I'm showing you what I found.
Maybe it helps a little.

thank you for posting this Mari,
I appreciate you coming up with interesting and helpful links posts.
bizi
Enhancing Vulnerability To Master Perfectionism

I tried to go to this site the link is not right.
Do you still have that link by chance?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi (Post 419610)

Hi,
I made a change and I think I fixed the link.

M