Hi Bizi!

I have some strong feelings about this. First let me say I don't know the group or anything, so maybe this is all hot air... but:

For some of us being able to identify and reach out (uh, I think it is called empathy...) IS the therapeutic process. Some of us never thought we had anything to offer. Some of us never realized anyone else had the same feelings. Learning how it feels to share, and then see this help someone else is nothing less than extraordinary. As for narcissism or "co-dependence" - it is the group leader/facillitator/therapist's role to keep things moving in healthy directions. I've seen good and bad group therapists alike. Taking an interest in wanting to help someone, or share your solution to a similar problem is never a bad thing.

So I just don't get this really...

I think you've been *wonderfully* supportive to us here...

thank you all and nice to see you tritone.
I went again tonight....
there was a young woman there who shared and was crying after she was done sharing...she was jsut crying sitting there I felt so helpless sitting there watching her cry that I leaned over and patted her shoulder...which I know was wrong but could not help myself.
They explained to me that I was interferring in her ability to cry, grieve over an issue...her cousin was involved in an accidental shooting. I learned this later.
one of the other members then scooted over there to give her a hug which I was thankful for.
But to be honest...I was feeling very uncomfortable with her crying...I wanted her to stop crying.
It is hard watching someone suffer, she is a stranger to me. I was trying to control the situation....She is allowed to safely cry in the group with out my interferance.....sigh
After the meeting closed she got all sorts of hugs and support from the others and I never even said anything to her.
I realized that I reacted to my discomfort.
That doesn't make me feel very good.
I am uncomfortable with strong emotions, I feel numb....I try to do the right thing, say the right thing, act how I am supposed to act,
but having feelings...this is foreign to me....
~sigh
bizi
I am going to keep going, they are kind people, I think I can learn alot from them....and not take charge which is my first inclination...
I said no when the leader asked me to participate in something,
out reach stuff.

I can see what the therapist is trying to do; but when it comes to the woman crying I'm with you. There is no way I could sit there and watch someone's heart breaking and do nothing while they cry. The little pat was an act of kindness and empathy, not co dependancy. You didn't try to talk for her, you didn't try to interfere with her grieving...you just offered a kind hand.

I am glad that you have goals for these groups! You will be able to take what you need, and use those parts to your advantage!

You are right tritone, I don't know her reasons for crying I never thought that she might be manipulating the group to get attention...These are her friends. I guess people cry in public for many reasons.
I rarely cry... I cried more in the past few weeks but have been hypomanic...is that the only way that I can express myself allow myself to have feelings and express them is when I am hypomanic?

Do you cry in front of other people?
Is crying linked somehow to being vulnerable?
bizi

I cry at movies, when they light the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, and begin the Macy's Parade... I very, very rarely cry at real things. I cried at my Dad's funeral. I only cry at the most traumatic things - other than the movies/etc...

I thought about this quite a bit. The theory I came up with is that the real stuff is just too overwhelming - whereas the lighting of the tree or whatever just touches itty bitty little pieces of things that I can have feelings about without falling apart in a bigger way. Does that make any sense?

I grew up with that thing that men aren't supposed to cry - and that strong/accomplished/successful people don't cry. I guess I realized that was pretty much false, but I still felt embarrassed. Not so much vulnerable as embarrassed. The last time I cried in front of anyone was that doctor in that nasty place back in May.


Maybe being hypomanic you give yourself the ok to express those things. Or maybe being hypomanic they just have a little more power and presence.

Sometimes I wish I could just have a good cry about things. I find it hard. On the other hand, playing music or working on some creative/fun project can sometimes be as cathartic.

I of course don't know anything about the woman in your group. I know that some of us have issues where we crave attention from other people and I read into this that perhaps your leader was saying not to comfort her because you were feeding that habit or something... Regardless of whether she was sincere or not sincere I still think that you should be allowed to act on your feelings to reach out... If she were truly not sincere, then it would be the therapist's job to gently place focus on her, why she was crying, how other people reacted, etc... Of course I don't know any of this for sure, that was just the picture I formed.

What really bothered me is that you felt bad about reaching out. That's just wrong.

PS - when I say "some of us crave attention" I mean I sometimes do. I wasn't meaning this in reference to anyone in particular.

I am having a hard time understanding how vulnerabilty plays into relationships in general.
This is required for true intimacy.
How do you learn to be truely vulnerable?????
bizi

Hi,
I think that being vulnerable has to be with trusting another enough to accept commitment, . . opening your heart . .
Also about being comfortable about accepting help from others. Here are some things that I found.
Mari



The Power of Vulnerability (in the work place)

http://organicleadership.wordpress.c...vulnerability/



Vulnerability.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-s..._b_112448.html

Enhancing Vulnerability To Master Perfectionism

http://www.streetdirectory.com/trave...ectionism.html

Some suggestions:


I'm not actually advocating these actions because I don't know about this stuff.
In the spirit of sharing, I'm showing you what I found.
Maybe it helps a little.

thank you tritone,
I think that the support at the co-dependant support group is different than the support here on the forums if that makes sense, I said in a prior thread that I want to be more like my on line self in real life.
I freeze most of the time unable to participate in conversations due to many fears....I am just starting this process again.
no quick fixes here. The group is very supportive in its own way, it is more thoughtful and internal work, that is where I can improve my self esteem, it is an internal job no one can do this work for me.
thanks again for your support.
bizi

-

Me too...

As for the person crying, your reaction and this allowing the person to grieve comment - I'm not sure.

It reminds me of the idea that parents shouldn't "spoil" their kids when they are little by giving them too much attention, or not picking them up when they cry, etc... I don't agree with that idea.

I think it is human nature, healthy human nature. You felt uncomfortable because you were identifying with her pain. I don't think that is bad. I certainly don't think it is inhibiting her.

If she were trying to manipulate the group with her crying I might understand it a little bit more, the same way I'd understand a parent trying to push a slightly older child into being more independent. But even still - I don't see how your feelings or comforting her were wrong or not helpful.

It would be the therapist's job to steer the group back on course - then maybe force her to work out those feelings with the group that would allow you all collectively to see it for what it was - an attempt to manipulate, or just a release of emotion...

Yes, it is easy to sit here and make comments or analyses... But its what we do and I think it is really helpful. I've carried these online conversations into my "real" life many, many times... It does take time. The beauty of these online forums is that we can process things with other people, over a period of time, and with an anonymity we don't have in the real world... Its like practicing an instrument or studying... At some point the learning becomes practical knowledge and we incorporate into our real lives.

At least it seems to work that way to me...

Wish I could just hook myself up to that machine they have in the Matrix and download it That was deep...