[Pamster]

Went out with Mother today, and Walmart was too busy to go in. It was a madhouse I tell ya. I kinda hate the holidays for how crazy things get. Anyway, I am not doing so hot. I know I have to move out before things get too much worse. I really don't know why it hurts so much, but it does. Emotionally I am pretty fragile right now. My second Counselor, is gone now. I saw her for the last time this week and we wished each other well and that was about it. I am going to miss her support.

My new T-doc though is great, and I know with her help I CAN do this. I just don't want to yet. I know my mother is tired of hearing about it and wants me to just DO it already, but I can't yet. I don't really wanna break a lease, though I am willing to if it gets bad. I just feel like this is going to be so lonely for me, and I also don't have full confidence that my new memoir will sell for me, I think I need to sell it and then move out. That might be bad, but I plan on spending themoney on a car and my teeth, so it's not like it would impact either of them.

Why do I feel so darn guilty for wanting my own life again? For needing to feel safe again? It's so frustrating. I do not want to back down again when it comes time. I need to be strong and I feel so darn weak it's not funny.

Anyway, I hope that you all are having a nice weekend. Would love to hear from you all so check in okay?

[Mari]

Dear Pam,

Of course it hurts to make a big move like the one you are contemplating, esp. since it will effect other people.
Also, it is natural and ok to have conflicting feelings.
Try to take it easy on yourself.

I started a thread about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
I don't know how highly regarded he is in psychology now but I remember reading him in school. He is concerned about how we get our needs met. He talks about how important it is to feel safe.

I hope you can feel safe in your living environment.

Mari

[befuddled2]

Pam, as you know I left my ex and am making it on my own. It gets lonely now at times like Christmas but I am so much more happier than when I was with my ex. I use to take Klnopin every single day and now I only take that type of medicine once in a blue moon. The angry enviroment I was in when married had affected my physical health to the point of having to take drugs for it. Sure, it was a rough road to get where I am today but I am so much better off now. If you believe in God rely on him as that is what has pulled me through.

befuddled2

[Pamster]

Thanks Mari, thank you befuddled2. I know God is looking out for me and I believe he wants me to write so that is why I keep at it. Because I think he gave me the talent to USE and develop to help other people in the world. I really have hope that this memoir might help get me out of here and into a nice new place.

Thank you both for posting I feel so darn insecure right now it's just terrible.

[Mari]

Hi,

Pam, I admire your strong drive and ability to focus on getting what you want.


I got some things done earlier tonight. I went walking tonight with my friend. It was late but her neighborhood is safe.
Earlier we went to Target and bought junk like holiday paper plates and napkins I need to take to a little party.
And then I picked up my meds on the way home.

I wish I were better about renewing my meds and picking them up. I know I have to renew my meds. I keep writing notes to myself but I don't like making the phone call.
What is that about?

Mari

[Pamster]

Thanks Mari.

Is it maybe something like you subconsciously don't want to continue taking meds you think? Or is it something to do with them more directly like they are making your memory and motivation less efficient? I have been on abilify for five years now I think, at least and I am finding my memory isn't perfect, I seem to forget things even if I wrote them down. Can you set them up to auto-fill? Walgreen's has that and I don't use it but I bet it might be useful to you in this situation since you don't like to make the phone call.