[Pamster]

Went out with Mother today, and Walmart was too busy to go in. It was a madhouse I tell ya. I kinda hate the holidays for how crazy things get. Anyway, I am not doing so hot. I know I have to move out before things get too much worse. I really don't know why it hurts so much, but it does. Emotionally I am pretty fragile right now. My second Counselor, is gone now. I saw her for the last time this week and we wished each other well and that was about it. I am going to miss her support.

My new T-doc though is great, and I know with her help I CAN do this. I just don't want to yet. I know my mother is tired of hearing about it and wants me to just DO it already, but I can't yet. I don't really wanna break a lease, though I am willing to if it gets bad. I just feel like this is going to be so lonely for me, and I also don't have full confidence that my new memoir will sell for me, I think I need to sell it and then move out. That might be bad, but I plan on spending themoney on a car and my teeth, so it's not like it would impact either of them.

Why do I feel so darn guilty for wanting my own life again? For needing to feel safe again? It's so frustrating. I do not want to back down again when it comes time. I need to be strong and I feel so darn weak it's not funny.

Anyway, I hope that you all are having a nice weekend. Would love to hear from you all so check in okay?