[bizi]

Forgiveness, the healing power

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The Healing Power of Forgiveness
From Nancy Schimelpfening,

A Definition of Forgiveness That We Can All Live With
Forgiveness. It's such a hard thing to do, but it can be so liberating to the soul. What makes it difficult for most of us to do is the way we define it. We think of forgiveness as meaning that we should say all is forgotten and things will go back to what they were. This Biblical definition of forgiveness is very hard for most of us to swallow. How can you forget the unforgettable? How can you forgive the unforgivable? To enjoy the benefits of forgiveness, however, we needn't go that far. All that's really required is that we make the decision to move forward, to let go of the old hurts. We don't have to condone what's been done. What's wrong is still wrong. We don't have to invite the person back into our lives or even be friendly with them. What we do have to do is allow ourselves to release all the negative emotions associated with that person.


As long as we hold onto the pain, we are choosing to allow that person's past actions to continue to hurt us. We can also choose to stop letting them hurt us. That's a definition of forgiveness that's more doable for those of us who are less than saintly.

Here is an exercise you can do right now to let go of pain and begin to regain your life:

Make a list of those who have hurt you and how:

________________ hurt me by___________________________________________.

Now, go to a quiet place where you can be alone and think of each of these painful situations. Think of these in detail, allow yourself to feel the hurt. Then place yourself in the other person's shoes. What do you think motivated them to behave the way they did? Were they abused themselves? Do they suffer from a mental illness? What fears and insecurities motivated their behavior? Now, think of how they are stealing your personal power. Does this make you angry? Do you want that to stop? Yes! Now, fill out this part of the exercise for each person on your list. Speak the words out loud as if you are speaking directly to them.

________________, I now understand why you behaved the way you did and I am sorry that you are so filled with pain that feel you must inflict it on others in order to regain your own power. I refuse, however, to let you hurt me anymore. I am choosing to let go of the pain you have caused me, for my own sake. I realize that letting go of this pain does not minimize or condone your bad behavior. It does, however, validate my own worth as a person and my right to finally be free of your abuse. I am choosing to take back my personal power so that I may heal. I now release all the hurtful emotions I feel regarding your behavior. I am now free to heal and move on.

Updated: June 12, 2006
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Suggested Reading
Forgiveness is Essential in Successful Relationships

[Nikko]

Excellent post. I think I need to say that many times before I can forgive my husband.

Although, it would help, I am sure, but then again it could make me vunarble to him. I suppose it is what I should do - forgive him, in a way I have.

I do feel bad for him, and it all makes me very sad. Yet, I have no control over what happened. I feel the justice system worked in his favor, yet I was the victim.

I really don't know, when or if I can get past all that has transpired. He is even in my dreams, ugh......If I talk about it, I re-live it and cry.

With the holidays approaching makes it even more difficult.

I feel l extremely violated, sad, lonely, so many mixed emotions. I guess the Order of Protection is a good thing. It stops the interaction between us that could be disasterous.

I need to work on so many emotions right now. I need to start my life over also, which is very hard right now.

Hugs, Nikko

[BJ]

Nikko this is something that will take time just like I told Billie about losing her husband. I'm sure you have many emotions, love, hate, anger all rolled into one. It's very confusing I'm sure but you've done the right thing. You couldn't have gone on like you did. You need to take baby steps.

Yes, the holidays are hard for a lot of people. It's supposed to be a happy joyous time so why are so many people sad?

[Nikko]

Baby Steps.......the only way. You are right all the emotions rolled into one, and stepping out whenever they do, getting through each emotion and getting past it, just onto another emotion. I pray that I will get over this, but can I really?

I don't know why the Holidays are so depressing for so many people. I suppose it is because of their life's events, that has turned the Holidays into something they don't want to celebrate. I can certainly relate.

I am just going to focus on getting past them, how? I really don't know yet.

Hugs, Nikko

[BJ]

I am just going to focus on getting past them, how? I really don't know yet.

I don't know either. You've lost a big part of your life and it will take time to feel "right" about things again. This is the first Christmas without my mom, my soul mate, my friend. I don't know how I'm going to get through it either. I love the holidays, usually, but this one is sooo different. So alone, so empty.

[Nikko]

We will get through them somehow. I guess we need to think more positive, it isn't easy, I know.

I feel for your loss too.

As they say, time to make new memories, not sure how to do that yet.

Hang in there.

Hugs, Nikko

[bizi]

Baby steps both you guys.
((((HUGS))))
know that you are never alone..you have all of us here to help you along if you need us.
Remember that this is november and the sun is setting earlier and it is getting a bit cooler and "winter" will be here soon...sooner for some than others....
THis is a natural time for introspection...where we do more things indoors.
Our yearly internal calanders tick away where we are emotionally whether we keep up with it or not is another issue.
So see if you can forgive yourself for this seasonal struggle and just take it in baby steps...limp along as you are able and know that we care about you.
And remember you are worthy and deserving of a happier life...
you may be experiencing pain right now...this will get better.
In fact you guys are grieving...it is very important to go thru these emotions...this is the path to feeling better.
Many hugs to you both and for those who are hurting....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Nikko]

Thanks Bizi, Time will heal all. Forgiving for me is an issue I need to deal with.
Like he even cares or will ever know.

He should be saying to me "Will you forgive me?" but that isn't going to happen.

So onward I go, baby steps, making the most of everyday, although I only have mini accomplishments lately, hopefully that will change too.

Boy, do I sound screwed up, huh I wish I had the money for giving gifts, I wish I felt like decorating, I wish I had someplace to go or do for the holidays, I need to deal with all this too.

Overwhelmed, but I do have things to be thankful for, maybe him abusing me in front of people, was a blessing in disquise. My head being hard and not having any serious damage, a bruised brain and post concussion was enough. I got lucky. When he strangled me back East, I had no witness's, so it was harder to prove, yet he fled, so that showed his guilt. They got him, and a slap on a wrist. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

My mom is doing as well as can be expected, I worry though everyday about her. Being a sort of caregiver is sometimes not as easy as it sounds, especially when the person is close to you. Sometimes is frustrating.

Oh well, I am just in a not so good place right now, but it sure has been worse, so that I am thankful for.


Hugs, Nikko

[BJ]

I'm glad that you are seeing something positive come out of all this Nikko. I know it's going to be a long haul but there is light at the end. And that's what you need...closure.

I'm glad your mom is feeling somewhat better too.

[Nikko]

I don't think in the past situation there will ever be real closure, so I have to deal with that too.

I like to have real closure, but what can I say. That bother's me a lot.

Nikko