Dear BJ,
This might sound weird, but I have no artifacts / no stuff from my past -- except for one box of letters from my childhood / teenager years that I received from my father when he was in the military and a best friend that I had moved away from.

If you looked around my apt, you would see nothing older than about 9 years old --except for some college books and some journals.

I have no photos, no mementos.

I have forgotten the details of the past except the overall arc. The arc is painful enough. I try not to think about it.


I have plenty to think about in the present and I have to think somewhat in the future in order to take care of basic planning (like preparing for hurricane season).

It is freeing to live in the present.
I am trying to work on that.

We each learn the best ways to cope.
And sometimes as the years go and as we make progress, we re-examine our coping ways and modify them.

You are doing well.
Maybe you don't have to completely drop the past.
But maybe you could lighten the grip on it a little.

And maybe you can find ways to embrace the present and make the present very real and important to you.

M.

The problem with me Mari I do have my past all around me and I don’t want to let go. How could you let go of the people you love? How can I let go of the memories, whether good or bad?

She told me I can deal with my pain or it will slowly destroy me. I need the courage to move on and be the whole person I know I can be. She told me that I can never truly feel the joy of today as long as I continue to process or make sense of the past.

I also have to let go of the anger. A lot of times I am so filled with anger that I feel helpless to do anything about it. When this happens I feel the anger turn inwards and that’s when I SI.

I know this won’t happen overnight. After years of having the hurt and anger bottled up inside, it’s hard to let these emotions go and allow the good positive feelings to take their place. I just have to keep forgiving and keep letting go. These emotions are terribly painful but there’s no way to heal except to go through it and feel the emotions. And I’m afraid to do that. This is when my tdoc gets so disappointed in me. This is where I’m stuck.

Dear BJ,

These are big changes you are asking of yourself.
I don't think you have to complete them all at once. Maybe take one little step. The other steps will follow.
Do you feel that you have already taken some little steps?

M.

BJ

I think you are doing them slowly. Changing the things to put them
in the past. And not near as important. When that happens sometimes
they are there but not a part of everyday life.

I think its what you are needing.

Donna

I honestly think I've made tremendous progress. Gosh I'm not where near like I was a while back. But there's these "things" inside that come and go. Maybe it's just stress. This is a terrible time period for me with Mother's Day, Father's Day and June 12th, the day I lost my brother. :(

I long for being able to get comfort from someone/something. I struggle really hard with this and most of my pain is about no comfort coming and inability to let comfort in. I just don’t know how to do it. It's all the self-loathing coming out.

I want what I hear others verbalize and I do try, I know the self comfort things to say to others but they don’t work with me. I know the fault is within me but I don’t know how to change it.

I know that wanting to change is the first step of changing, but what is the second? I do try to do comforting things - but they don’t work. The nearest I have come to comfort (I think) is when I have been in real bad emotional pain and someone here has heard me and written back almost immediately. I don’t even know what comfort would feel like. What does it feel like?

I think the ultimate comfort is having faith that everything will be okay in the end.
This takes some time...thought and experience.
I have found over the years, that a Higher Power, will bring to me individual (s) to help me, when I'm unable to help myself.
As I come to understand, that ultimately, it will all work out, I am supremely comforted.
Comfort is really all around us...we just don't see it. Sometimes we want more and aren't willing to wait for it. Sometimes it is right in front of us and we don't see it....but it is there.
Just look at some of the great written responses here.
Great books at the libraries and book stores.
Friends, doctors, religious people, teachers...people wanting to help.
And of course, inner guidance/intuition...all there to be used for our comfort and for our betterment.

Learning how to trust ourselves is the hardest act.
knowing that " I can handle what comes about" helps to build up your self esteem. Look what all you have had to handle in your life.
YOU CAN HANDLE ANYTHING...it's true.



(((HUGS))))
beth
p.s.
A friend of mine told me to hug myself.
to take my arms around my shoulders and give myself a big hug.
To do this as long as you can....it feels good.
try it.

Dear BJ,
These are good questions.
I don't know if I could define COMFORT.
Maybe comfort for some people is about feeling SAFE.
That's the best I can come up with for now.

Do you feel safe?
Do certain situations make you feel safe?
M.

comfort free association
 

comfort
flannel sheets
a cat in my lap
squooshy pillow
sweatshirt
a warm close hug
a friend's loving smile
peace
french bread
smoothness
caressing my hair
purring
breathing low
stillness
beige and brown
a real bed
a stuffed armchair
velour

it is amazing how many of those came out about "texture" and the sense of touch, huh?

the sense of touch is the very first sense developed in the womb, did you know that?

it is also THE sense, par excellence, that i use for regrounding when i start to detach from reality go numb - depersonalize - derealize whatever... as opposed to visual auditive olfactory or taste.

i don't know if this was useful BJ. it was just an idea to do a word association and then afterwards i realized this peculiarity about texture/touch being so close to "comfort" for me, apparently.

maybe you can try your own word association or someone else can do it, and see what falls out. this of course only reflects my psyche... but perhaps others have a similar... oh dear i hate to use the word... "feel" for what "comfort" means.

okkk, well... whatever... :o:rolleyes:

~ waves ~